Tommy Boy Page #2

It's called reading. Top to bottom,

left to right.

Group words

together as a sentence.

Take Tylenol for any headaches.

Midol for any cramps.

Shut up!

Can i open my eyes now dad?

For God's sake son, will you quit

covering your damned eyes?

Holy shnikees!

- Is that for me?

- No, son, that's for me.

Dad, she's like a ten.

Hi, honey.

This must be Tommy.

- Are you Tommy?

- I'm Tommy.

I'm Beverly,

and you're just adorable.

Nah...

Son, i got an announcement to make.

Tom, i've asked Beverly

to be my wife.

Wow, man!

What did she say?

It's so cool that you're getting married

Saturday. So where did you guys meet?

Here you go, sweetie.

We met at the fat farm

spa resort thing.

Beverly was one of the trainers. In fact

she was the only one of the trainers

i didn't wanna

plant six feet under a lettuce patch.

Wait 'til you hear this! She's got a son.

He worked at the spa too.

I met him. He's a terrific guy.

You're really gonna like him.

He's coming here today,

for the wedding.

Tommy, it sounds funny saying this, but

my son is going to be your new brother.

Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?

I've always dreamed about having a brother.

Speak of the devil.

A brother!

- Brother?

- I'm Paul, you must be Tommy.

Brothers don't shake hands.

Brothers gotta hug.

I can't believe i have a whole

new family. This is awesome!

Yeah. Great.

No offense, but if i showed a picture of

your mom to some of my buddies at school

she'd definitely be

boner of the month.

I'm honoured.

So is there anything to

do in this town besides eat?

Tons of stuff.

Late night pitch and putt.

We go to the livestock auction

and cruise the 4-H babes.

Throw stuff off the bridge.

What do you feel like doing?

I don't know. Something

a little more dangerous.

Sure. All you can handle bro.

Look at 'em there!

Pretty maids all in a row.

I want the one on the left.

She's perfect. Which one d'you want?

- Does it make a difference?

- Oh, yeah.

- Wait a second. Is this your first time?

- Yeah, Tommy, it is.

You're gonna remember this

the rest of your life.

Can't believe you've

never been cow tipping before.

Get ready to live!

She's sleeping. What you do is put

your shoulder into her and you push.

- And?

- They fall over.

And this doesn't strike

you as kinda' dumb?

We're family. We're gonna be doing

lots of dumb stuff together.

Wait 'til Christmas.

You keep your feet

shoulder-width apart.

Stay between the udder

and the hock, it's a...

Ready! Hut!

Holy Shnikees!

Hey, get off my property!

Run for it!

- I'll save you brother!

- I'm ok. Get away from me!

Get up!

- Come on!

- I love you.

Hey, get me! My turn!

Over here!

These shoes are Italian.

They're worth more than your life.

Man! Did i get dooshed with mud!

Hey Chucko, that

doesn't smell like mud.

Oh, man, that's cold!

I'm a maniac. Maniac...

...on the floor. And i'm dancing

like i never danced before.

Did you eat a lot

of paint chips when you were a kid?

Why?

- Mornin', Richard.

- Hi.

Luke, I am your father.

I've interrupted "happy

time". Look, your father wants

you to check out the

delay problems we're having

at the loading dock. Now, i know you'd

love to just sit there and keep being...

not slim, but we gotta

work a little today, okay.

- That was from Star Wars".

- I know.

R.T. I think i figured out the problem.

This order's going to Columbus.

That's a one day delivery,

but you've got it

marked down for two.

That's because it's going to Columbus,

Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio.

You see these letters by the city?

That's called a state.

- What else you got, Wonder Boy?

- That's pretty much it for now.

Tommy, maybe you should go back

to college for another 7 years

and study a globe.

Tommy Callahan?

Michelle Brock. Chaparrall High.

Remember?

Yeah, i remember!

I sat next to you in History.

You work here?

It's so bizarre that you work here.

Come on in!

Oh, and forget about R.T.!

He's pissed off 'cause he recently

found out what a loser he is.

A loser he is!

Nice. How come you don't put

the files in the file cabinets?

I don't like file cabinets.

- Why not?

- You have to open them.

I've got my own system.

Hasn't failed me yet.

All the shipping

orders go through me,

which means i spend about half of my

pathetically anal life in here.

So if i couldn't do

things my own way,

i'd probably freak out and

blow up the whole town.

Cool!

Hey, remember your brother, Duane?

Whatever happened to him?

We used to go to "Safeway" all the time

and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.

He's a cop. He had to get

a real job when my parents

moved to Cuyahoga Falls.

- Want one?

- I'd better not.

I have what doctors call

a little bit of a weight problem.

I used to grab bear claws

as a kid, two at a time

and i'd get 'em lodged

right in this region here.

- How about some coffee?

- I'd love some.

- Man, i bet half the town's here.

- Yeah...

- You look great dad.

- You look good too, Tommy Boy.

Listen, this marriage thing, i know

it's a big step... but you know...

Ever since your mom died...

Something about getting old

and being alone.

You know... it's something...

Dad... It's cool, you know.

I just want you to be happy.

Yeah, i know you do.

And i am, kid!

I am, Tommy boy.

- They're ready for you sir.

- Good. We're ready too.

- How do we look?

- Chubby?

I think that's the champagne talking.

And so these vows are held sacred from

now until eternity.

If there's any person

who finds a reason these

two should not be wed,

speak now or forever hold your peace.

You kiddin'?

Go get her, Tom!

Now by the power invested in

me by the state of Ohio,

i now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Say something for the bride and groom!

Hey dad and Beverly, this is Michelle Brock,

the prettiest gal in Sandusky.

- Michelle, say a little something into the camera!

- A little something into the camera.

Sounds good, Tom, but i'd like to take

a look at your operation before i commit.

Fair enough, Doug. 'Course i can get a

hell of a good look at a t-bone steak

by sticking my head up a bulls ass,

but i'd rather take

a butcher's word for it.

Bull's ass, that's great.

And you guarantee everything you sell?

You know i could guarantee you all day

long, but we both know a guarantee is

only as good as the man who writes it.

Sounds good, Tom.

I'll send the contract next week.

Good man!

You're still the best, Tom.

Eight whisky-sours and i still sell

the son of a b*tch. Damn i'm good.

I just wanna tell you you really

look dynamite today, Beverly.

Yeah, Tom, you're a lucky man.

Boy, would I like to get some of that!

Good Lord!

Oh no! Listen, Richard, you got

a edit button on that thing?

- It'll cost ya.

- Come here, you little prick!

All right, all right,

hold it a second folks!

Wait a minute...

Yeah, yeah, workin'.

Listen, i wanna thank you

all for coming today

to welcome two new Callahans

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