Tonight She Comes

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1

Your call

could not be completed.

Do you wanna f***ing die?

Oh my God, oh my God.

Look, look, look, look, look, look.

Clean fingers.

Yeah, you're f***ing disgusting, God.

It's just a little bit of

blood, don't cry about it.

Oh a little bit of

blood on day three, okay.

I'm the one who should be hysterical.

Right.

I'm a good friend.

Are you?

Yeah.

So I'm gonna dry your tears.

No, do not.

Stop!

That is so f***ing gross!

Goddamn you!

Day three, complete.

God I am calling Kristy.

Wait, seriously?

You're calling Kristy.

You're gonna tattle on me.

To Kristy.

Your call has been forwarded

to an automated voice messaging system.

Kristy is not available.

She's not answering.

Oh my God.

That's 'cause Kristy doesn't care.

She didn't answer

your phone call either.

Well,

yeah.

Do you think she's okay?

Kristy?

Do not worry about Kristy.

Kristy's fine.

What?

Dude.

You suck at your job.

It doesn't exist.

This house doesn't exist.

Penis!

Goddammit!

When are you gonna get

your own mailman truck?

I don't know, not till

I'm full time I guess.

Wait, they don't trust you,

with a mail man truck?

Son of a b*tch.

It literally does not exist on my phone.

Dude, I give up.

This is ridiculous.

Let me see.

What are you doing?

Why?

The house doesn't exist.

The letter doesn't exist.

Food exists.

Let's go eat...

Oh sh*t dude.

It does exist.

Oh my gosh, that really hurt.

You know what Pete?

Thank you man.

You actually helped me out with that one.

Let's go.

There's your stuff.

Let's do it.

I gotta pee.

All right, well hurry up.

You know I said I gotta pee?

Yes?

I lied.

Why?

Just pick me up on the way back!

What, dude!

Pete!

What the hell man!

Don't forget about me!

You dick!

When she said

Don't let it all go to your head

Get away

Get away away from here

Get away

Get away away from here

F*** me.

Kristy?

Is there a Kristy Jordan here?

Kristy?

This is a

cellular telephone mailbox,

please speak your words at the beep.

This is a cellular telephone mailbox,

please speak your words at the beep.

This is a cellular

telephone, f*** you James.

This is a

cellular telephone mailbox,

please speak your words at the beep.

Beep you James.

Kristy!

Come out to play!

Holy sh*t.

Kristy!

Holy f***.

Oh my God.

Ashley.

- Ashley!

' OW! What!

Did I just see his dick?

Okay yeah, this is not cool.

Ashley?

What?

Ashley?

What?

Ashley!

What!

What the f***?

Sh*t.

Goddammit.

Is he dead?

Hi.

Where am I?

Why are there so many

creepy fucks out there today?

I don't know.

Do you live here?

Are you Kristy?

What do you know about Kristy?

What?

Kristy!

You're not Kristy?

Are you Kristy?

No.

Then who are you?

Who are you?

I'm the mailman.

What are you doing all the way out here?

Delivering the mail?

Don't be an ass!

I don't like him.

I don't like him either.

What the f***?

Oh sh*t!

I'm sorry.

What the f***!

I'm so sorry.

What the f***!

Did you see his face?

Oh wow.

I literally pissed my pants.

Holy sh*t!

You f***in' pissed yourself!

This is a

cellular telephone mailbox.

F***!

F***!

Oh sh*t.

That was not easy.

That's not as easy as it looks.

Well done.

Yeah, you should the three way.

There's a three way?

Wait, where the f*** is Kristy?

I don't know.

I'm gonna call her.

Oh sh*t, can I use your

phone real quick first please?

Why, are you trying to get away from us?

No no no no, I just left my

friend on the side of the road

like a freakin' idiot.

He's probably flipping

out wondering where I am.

Oh my God,

What?

Green jacket, beanie,

beard, little penis?

Yeah, you've seen him?

Hey, oh,

hey.

Are you okay?

Stay right there, I'm

gonna get your friends.

I'm gonna get help.

I'm so sorry.

So you're like, like a real mailman?

Like a real live mailman?

Yeah.

That like takes my and

then puts it in the box,

and then drives away in the truck.

Yeah, basically.

That is so cool.

Thank you.

Someone drank way too much.

Oh no, it's shark week.

It's what?

Shark week.

That's cool.

Day four.

The revenge.

She has the ugliest

vomit face in the world.

Yeah she really does.

I know, oh my God.

That's really disgusting.

Oh God.

Hey-

I'm wet.

Hey, Ashley, you're probably confused

that this isn't Kristy's voice

talking to you right now,

but the reason I'm calling

you with her phone is

I'm with her right now,

and I don't know where we are exactly,

but yeah, Kristy,

she's alive but she's not moving.

I don't know what happened,

but I'll let you know as soon as I can.

Just call me back, please.

Oh, and I'm Pete.

Also I think you're the girls who saw me

in the woods a few hours ago, so...

I hope you enjoyed the show.

Call me, just, call me.

Goddammit.

Kristy holy...

F***!

F***, on...

Dammit!

Sh*t!

F*** it.

We're gonna do it right here.

Right here?

Yeah.

Okay.

Go get my sleeping bag.

It's there in...

Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah by the fire, yeah.

And then your beer, 'cause we need that.

Of course, okay.

Sleeping bag and beer.

Yes, then we're gonna

just f***.

- Two things, okay.

Okay.

And you're gonna hurry.

'Cause we need those things.

Obviously, yeah.

So beer and sleeping bag.

Yeah.

Okay.

And then we're gonna f*** so...

Awesome, yep.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. hey!

That's mine.

Oh.

Oh sh*t.

I'm sorry about that.

Oh!

They're both mine.

Could I borrow one?

Shut the f*** up!

James!

Hurry UP!

Okay look, I will owe you so much.

Just please, just one

of 'em, doesn't matter.

James!

Please,

I promise, I have to pee!

I'll owe you.

Please?

Okay yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Fine, whatever.

F*** yes, okay, thank you.

Oh but, James.

What?

There's something you

should know about Lyndsey.

James!

She's a virgin.

No.

Virgin.

What?

Virgin.

James!

F***.

Who the f*** is that?

That a girl?

Oh, is that a naked girl?

Oh sh*t, I don't have my phone.

Someone take a picture for me.

Oh.

Kristy called me.

What'd she say?

Did she leave a message?

I don't know I'm gonna find out.

What the hell is she doing?

Hey!

You can come join us if you want!

Right?

Do you need help?

'Cause...

Lyndsey.

There's a canoe if you

think that, if you...

What the f*** is wrong with her?

Lyndsey.

What?

What'd she say?

Hey, Ashley,

you're probably confused

that this isn't Kristy's voice

talking to you right now,

but the reasons I'm calling

you with her phone is

I'm with her right now,

and I don't know where we are exactly,

but...

I think that's Pete.

Yeah, Kristy,

she's alive but she's not moving.

I don't know what happened,

but I'll let you know as soon as I can.

Just call me back, please.

Oh, and I'm Pete.

F***.

Also I think

you're the girls who saw me

in the woods a few hours ago, so...

I hope you enjoyed the show.

Call me, just, call me.

Hope you enjoyed the...

Oh sh*t I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it's just that's f***ing funny.

No, yeah, okay.

Let's find your friend.

Let's do that.

Knock that out.

Then we can find Pete.

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