Too Many Husbands

- The mail, Mr. Lowndes.

- Oh, wait, Miss Houlihan,

- I have a notice for the staff.

- Yes, sir.

Has the sign painter finished

changing the firm's name?

Only on the lobby door, sir.

Be sure to have him remove Mr. Cardew's

name from his entrance door, also.

- I've already attended to that, Mr. Lowndes.

- All right. This goes to everybody.

Mark it "Official notice to the staff."

No, no, cross out "official."

- That's childish.

- Yes, sir.

"Effective today, the firm previously known

as Lowndes and Cardew, Publishers,

"shall be known as

Henry Lowndes, Publisher." New paragraph.

"Although my late, lamented friend

and partner, Bill Cardew,

"Mr. William Cardew, passes thus officially

from the business scene,

"it need hardly be said that his memory will

linger with us always in our heart of hearts."

- That's awful, isn't it?

- Yes, sir.

Cross it out and use just the first paragraph.

It's been a year since Mr. Cardew drowned,

and that sort of thing might be in bad taste.

Have it mimeographed for the staff,

the printer and the complete mailing list.

- Pardon me, Mr. Lowndes.

- What?

I know it's none of my business, but...

- What is it? What is it?

- Have you told Mrs. Lowndes about this?

I mean, dropping Mr. Cardew's name

from the firm?

- Why?

- Because...

Well, she spoke to me about it once,

while she was Mr. Cardew's widow.

Before she was married to you.

- What did she say?

- Not much.

Just how happy she was about

you keeping Mr. Cardew's name in the firm

even though he had passed on.

Miss Houlihan, may I suggest that you

confine yourself to your secretarial duties?

May I not only suggest it, may I demand it?

I'm sorry, sir. I was only trying to help.

All right, if you're so anxious to help,

come here.

Look at this mess. Is there any reason

why the staff should use Mr. Cardew's

old office for a dumping ground?

I've told them, Mr. Lowndes.

Have it stopped immediately.

Tell Vincent to clean out this junk.

We can put two or three

of our readers in here.

Yes, sir.

A lady wants to take her husband to lunch.

Are you in?

Hello, darling.

I was just seeing about

getting rid of some things.

I see by the door

you're also getting rid of Bill.

Vicky, please.

You were tearing up his picture,

weren't you?

The one he and I had taken

on our honeymoon in California.

- Yes.

- Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I mean, because I love you.

I should be angry.

It was silly.

All right, we'll forget it. Let's go to lunch?

Well, I guess everything is...

Yes?

All right, have them come into my office.

No, wait. Hadley's office.

- I'll be there in a minute.

- Well, lunch?

- The linotypers are on strike.

- Lunch?

It will take a few minutes. I'll hurry.

- Hello, Gertrude.

- Hello, Mrs. Lowndes.

Isn't that office a mess?

Mr. Lowndes' office. For you, Mrs. Lowndes.

Thank you. Yes?

Hours? You can't possibly...

Yes, dear. All right. Goodbye.

- There is a linotypers' strike.

- Mr. Lowndes told me.

Mrs. Lowndes, I'm getting married.

- Well, congratulations.

- For what?

Well, if that's the way you feel, I don't know.

Oh, he's nice, all right, and I'm not

getting any prettier, but I don't love him.

May I ask why you're marrying him?

Because you married

the only two men I ever loved.

- You?

- Yes, me.

But what chance did I have against you?

I ask you, what chance?

Well, any woman might...

You know as well as I do. None.

But I managed all right, in my own way.

- You managed all right?

- I mean, in my mind.

Do you know what I did

when you married Bill, I mean, Mr. Cardew?

I kidded myself into thinking

that I had married him, that I was you.

- Well, there's no harm in that.

- Thank you.

- What are you thinking about?

- Our honeymoon.

I mean, your honeymoon. But...

But I... You know.

- Yes, I... But you...

- It was a grand honeymoon, wasn't it?

- Wonderful.

- And Bill was so... May I call him Bill?

- Surely.

- Bill was so sweet.

That's the way I always want

to remember him, on our honeymoon.

Me, too.

I've always kept the favorite

little spot in my heart for Bill,

even after we married Henry.

But the honeymoon with Bill was so short.

He began to get restless,

wanted to get moving, go places,

and then he went on that last trip

in that silly little boat.

It was awful

when they told me he was drowned.

That's when Henry was so wonderful.

Helping in a million little ways,

- taking care of the business affairs...

- He's the kindest man I ever knew.

...and all at once,

you realized you were in love with him.

And then we were married.

And another grand honeymoon.

But too short again.

This time I was losing Henry to his business.

Mrs. Lowndes, what was wrong?

Why couldn't we make

those honeymoons last?

Oh, I wish I knew. I...

- Excuse me, Mrs. Lowndes.

- That's all right.

It's only that you asked me

why I was marrying a man I didn't love.

And after what you've been through,

marrying the men I did love,

I wanted you to tell me that maybe

the honeymoon part isn't important.

Oh, but it is, Gertrude.

It's the spirit of marriage.

It should be there at the start

and it should never die!

That doesn't mean that I'm not happy now

with Mr. Lowndes. I am very happy.

Yes, Mrs. Lowndes.

I was happy with Mr. Cardew, too.

Very happy.

Yes, Mrs. Lowndes.

And,

although we were speaking

of my first husband rather affectionately,

please remember, Gertrude,

that we were discussing only a memory.

Attention please. Pennsylvania Central

Airlines for Washington and New York City.

Flight Number 9 may be delayed

20 or 25 minutes

awaiting local mail and express.

- Hey, porter, how are you doing?

- I don't know.

Everybody keeps telling me

to wait one moment, please,

and that's what I'm triple doing.

- Have you got New York yet?

- There's a... humming noise. Is that good?

Not the way you tell it.

I'd better take over.

What was the last thing anybody said?

- Something about something.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Yeah, I'm still here.

- Anything else, sir?

Yeah, go out to the desk and tell them not to

let the New York plane get away without me.

And take this four bits and put it in the

Shoeshine's Ever Loving Fund for the

Restitution of Restitutionality. You got that?

- Yes, sir.

- What did I say?

- Hurry.

- Right.

Hello. Hello, Vicky!

A long distance call from Norfolk, sir.

There seems to be some difficulty

at the other end.

Norfolk?

I'll take it.

- Do I know anybody in Norfolk?

- Not since I started here, sir.

Well, it's probably somebody

for Mr. Lowndes, or my daughter.

You can go, Peter.

Hello?

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Well, Poppadaddy.

- Poppadaddy?

- This is Bill.

I said, this is Bill, your son-in-law.

Remember? Hello! Hello, operator!

- Hello.

- I guess we were cut off or something.

How are you? This is Bill.

- But Bill is dead!

- Who's dead? I said this is Bill.

- Lf this is somebody's idea of a joke...

- Joke?

Listen, Poppadaddy. I've got a mole

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