Too Many Husbands Page #2

on my hip and I can't stand turnips.

And you said your daughter would wind up

in the bughouse when she married me.

Now, where is my wife?

Vicky's out.

We all thought you were drowned.

No. I was washed up on an island

nobody ever heard of.

I was picked up by a little tub

without any wireless.

Hey look, I've got to get a shave

and a haircut and catch a plane.

Tell Vicky to meet me

at the New York airport at 8:00.

- I'll see you later. So long.

- Oh, Bill... Wait, Bill!

Gentlemen, this is a wonderful world.

Yes, sir, a wonderful world.

Oh, Bill, you can't come home. Your wife...

Hello, Dad.

- What's the matter?

- Nothing. Is there?

You sure look as though

you'd seen a ghost.

Seen him? No. Where were you?

Henry's office.

Then to lunch, then some shopping. Why?

Nothing. Anything unusual?

No, except Henry's taken Bill's name

from the firm.

- That's funny.

- What's funny about it?

I always thought it would be sort of a nice

memorial to Bill to keep his name in the firm.

- Yes, I think Bill would like that.

- You know, Dad,

I had the strangest feeling today

after I left Henry's office.

I... I felt as though Bill were watching

his name being taken off that door,

and he didn't like it a bit.

I could see him just as plain up there.

- You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Dad?

- No.

These things always happen when I eat veal.

You don't think I'm crazy, either,

do you, dear?

- Of course not.

- Well, that helps a lot.

And it helps a lot, too,

about your eating veal at luncheon,

seeing Bill up there,

because he's coming down tonight.

- What?

- 8:
00 at the airport. You're to meet him.

- Dad, you're crazy!

- See? I knew it. I'm crazy.

You can't tell a woman

to meet her dead husband at 8:00.

You just can't!

You mean, he's alive?

He's not drowned?

But, Dad, he's dead.

He showed no signs of it over the telephone.

- Lf this is a joke...

- That's what I said. But it isn't.

I don't know whether I'm asleep

or out of my mind, or what.

You... You talked to him?

He called up from Norfolk.

He said something about being rescued

from an island by a boat,

and he was just about to catch a plane.

Does he know about Henry?

- I don't think so. He asked for his wife.

- Oh, this is awful.

- Well, aren't you glad he's alive?

- Of course I am.

But what am I going to do?

I have two husbands.

Well, don't look at me. I didn't marry them.

Oh, Dad, you've got to help me figure

out something before Henry...

- I'm early.

- Yeah.

Vicky, will you tell Peter to have dinner

at 6:
00 so I can get back to the office?

Linotypers' strike.

Throws our whole schedule

into a cocked hat.

Well, aren't you going to tell Peter?

What's ailing you?

Do you begrudge me

one evening at the office in a crisis?

No.

Well, then, what is it?

- Listen, Vicky, if it's about lunch...

- No.

Or taking Bill's name off the door...

Well, there's something wrong.

You both act as if I were repulsive.

I can't stand this. What have I done?

I know. It's because I tore up

that photograph of you and Bill.

You've told your father. You hate me.

Vicky, I only did it because I love you.

There was nothing vicious about it.

Gosh, he was my best friend.

Vicky, I swear that I loved Bill

like my own brother.

May I drop dead right here on this spot

if I wouldn't sacrifice even my love for you

to have Bill alive.

- Henry, don't say that!

- Why not?

Because Bill is alive!

- Get some brandy.

- Yes, yes.

Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry. Say something.

Say something. Talk.

- Henry. Hello? Hello, Henry?

- Here.

You see what this sort of thing does

to grown men?

We can't tell Bill. What will we do?

How should I know?

Take some brandy to the airport with you.

- Vicky, I love you.

- You mean I have to go to the airport alone?

- Oh, no.

- Well, do as you want.

- Vicky, I love you.

- Henry. Henry, pull yourself together.

You've got to go to the airport

and meet Bill.

- Airport?

- Yes.

You've got to meet him

and tell him about us.

- Let me lie down.

- No, Dad, don't let him.

Now, Henry. Henry, there's nothing to it.

You go to the airport alone.

You take Bill by the arm and you say,

"Look, old man, while you were drowned

a funny thing happened."

- "A funny thing"?

- Well, I don't mean funny.

Now, it'll be easy, dear.

You do it, won't you, please?

- No.

- Henry!

- Dad, make him do it.

- No.

Here I am, a helpless woman.

You mean I have to tell him?

- Yes.

- Yes.

- And I thought I married a man.

- Two men.

All right. I'll go alone.

No, no, no, don't do that.

You're my wife and I have to be with you.

We'll go to the airport together.

We'll face him together while you tell him.

There he is.

Vicky! Darling!

Gosh, you feel good.

A whole year on that island

and all I could think of was you.

But you sure are worth waiting for, honey.

- Hello!

- And Hank, good old Hank.

- How are you, Bill?

- I knew my old pal would be here.

Oh, Vicky.

- Bill.

- Yes, honey?

- My, you look fine.

- You look beautiful yourself.

Hey, let's get home

before somebody spots me.

I got past the reporters

as Bill Smith, fisherman.

Things will be found out soon enough.

- Yes.

- You got your car, Hank?

- Yes.

- Well, what are we waiting for?

Well...

Oh, Vicky.

- Isn't somebody going to say something?

- Say something about what?

I think Henry wants to hear

about your experiences.

Oh. Well, I sure thought I was a goner.

Then I came to on this little island.

I'd show you on the map,

except it isn't there.

- The things I ate.

- Bill, I was all broken up.

Henry was so kind, Bill.

Henry was wonderful.

Oh, sure he was. I always told you.

And to think, Hank,

the first time she met you she said

you made her sick to her stomach.

Bill.

- Did you say that?

- No, I didn't.

But for whatever you've done

while I've been away, Hank,

I don't have to thank you.

A man doesn't have to thank his best friend.

- Bill. Bill, I...

- That's all that's kept me going, Vicky,

just thinking of this moment.

Bill, didn't you ever consider that

a woman might give you up as dead?

Oh, I knew you'd wait.

Say, I had the craziest idea

when I first got to Norfolk.

I thought maybe I wouldn't call you,

just fly to New York and break in on you

in the middle of the night.

Wouldn't that have been something?

Wouldn't that have been something, Hank?

Well, thanks, old man, for meeting me.

Well, that's all right. But, Bill, there's

something we'd better talk about.

- Yes.

- Oh, business can wait.

You understand, Hank,

my first night at home in a year?

Why don't you come over for dinner

tomorrow? Good night.

- Hey!

- Henry, why don't you come in, too,

- for a drink?

- Well, I should think so.

Sure, I guess the least I can do is

ask an old friend in for a drink.

I don't know what's come over me.

Come on in, for a minute.

Well, Poppadaddy!

- How are you, Bill?

- Never felt better in my life.

- Well, that's fine.

- You look great. A little older.

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