Too Many Husbands Page #3

- I am older.

- Well, here it is. It sure looks good to me.

My favorite chair.

The piano I was going to learn to play.

Yeah, home sweet home.

- Bill, I...

- Your hat, sir.

- Peter, this is Mr. Cardew.

- Mr. Cardew, sir.

- What happened to Ernest?

- He joined the army.

Well, we'll get along fine, Peter.

Just see that the laundry doesn't starch

my collars, boil my eggs four minutes,

toast dry, coffee black

and don't knock on the bathroom door.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, and bring in some ice

and soda and glasses.

Yes, sir.

What's the matter with him? Feebleminded?

- Bill, I...

- Oh, Vicky.

Gosh, it's good to be back.

Sit down, Hank, make yourself at home.

- Bill, dear...

- Say it again.

- Bill, dear...

- Again.

Oh, tell him, Henry, will you, please?

- I'm married.

- Yes!

No! Well, congratulations.

I thought you'd been looking kind of silly.

Married, huh? Who's the girl?

Do I know her?

Very well.

- Bill, Henry is living here.

- With his wife?

- Yes.

- Yes.

You see, it was so lonely here

after you drowned.

- After I drowned?

- Well, after they said you did,

the coast guard and everybody.

It was so lonely.

Well, so long as his wife was here with him.

But now that I'm back, Hank,

naturally, you'll find

an apartment somewhere right away.

- Oh, no.

- No.

- What do you mean, "Oh, no"?

- Bill, I've been trying to tell you

that while you were drowned,

lost at sea, there I was, a widow.

Now remember that,

a widow, a lonely widow.

So...

Well...

Well?

So I married Henry.

You're not frightening me, Bill Cardew.

I'm only her father. Good night.

My best friend.

My own wife.

- But you were dead!

- Oh, was I?

Why isn't there a law in this state

to protect women from vultures like you?

There is. I was supposed to wait five years

because they couldn't locate your body.

I mean, your remains.

But Henry found evidence.

- Found evidence? He made it.

- I did not.

The coast guard made a formal report

that you were drowned.

- Yes.

- It was filed

and accepted in court

that you were legally dead.

- Yes.

- Not only that...

Shut up, you blonde!

Bill... Bill, if Henry and I did wrong

we didn't do it intentionally.

How long have you been married to that?

- Six months.

- Six months!

Vicky, how can you even face me?

Don't you understand, dear?

I loved you so much. When they told me

you were dead, I went all to pieces.

I suppose that is why you married me?

No, darling. You were so good to me.

- You helped me so much.

- Are you trying to tell me

that you don't love me, that you married me

just because I was so kind?

She's telling me what kind of rat you were,

taking advantage of a helpless widow.

There! You said it yourself.

If you call her a widow, that proves

that even you thought you were dead!

- I'll show you how dead I am.

- Now, stop arguing, both of you!

What are you two worrying about?

I'm the one with the two husbands.

- That's against the law.

- Then let me do the worrying.

It's late. We're all upset, tired.

The only thing to do is to go to bed

and get a good night's sleep so we can face

this problem tomorrow with clear minds.

- There's no problem.

- Why isn't there?

What's happened is plain enough.

I'm out of your life, drowned, forgotten.

You've found a new love.

That makes me an unwanted corpse

at a party.

- I'll go.

- No, no, dear. We don't feel that way at all.

- Do we, Henry?

- I think he described himself perfectly.

Oh, Henry, you're just joking

to try to make Bill feel good.

Bill, you have to stay here.

This is where you belong.

It is not!

Darling, this is out of your hands now.

Would you mind leaving us alone?

- Why?

- Yes, why?

Because there are some things

that men must settle themselves.

- About me?

- Yes, about you.

Well, I guess we'll have to do something

about my two husbands.

Two husbands.

Naturally we're all anxious to do

what's right about this.

If you two men want to talk things over,

why, all right.

Buck up, Bill.

I'll be waiting

in my room.

Now, look here, Bill Cardew,

there's something I want you to understand.

- Lf you have any intentions of...

- Oh, don't worry about me.

I know she was just trying to be nice to me.

I've lost her.

Well, it's decent of you to realize that.

Can I take you to a hotel?

A little drink before we go?

Why, sure.

The drink I was going to offer you.

That's a wonderful wife you have.

Thanks.

- Well...

- You can thank me, too.

It's my own fault that I lost her.

Leaving her alone, taking those crazy trips.

Well, one man's mistake

is another man's chance.

Say, you couldn't be hinting that she

married me on an emotional bounce-back?

I'm not hinting anything. Use your head.

- What do you mean by that?

- What am I hinting, what do I mean?

Forget it. Here's to her, anyway.

- Bill Cardew, I don't like your attitude.

- Sit down.

- I said I didn't like your attitude.

- What's the matter with you?

Vicky married me because she loves me.

It had nothing whatsoever to do with you.

- Good.

- Yes, good.

It would have been the same thing

if we'd both met her at the same time.

She'd still be my wife.

- Oh, would she?

- You're darned right she would.

I was only kidding. Don't take it seriously.

If you've finished your drink, old man,

I'll take you to the hotel.

So you think you'd have won her

from the start, huh?

- You think you're the head man around here.

- Are you ready to leave?

- I'm not leaving.

- You're not?

I'm married to Vicky as much as you are.

Why don't you drive yourself to the hotel?

Are you crazy?

You heard her ask me to stay.

What are you waiting for?

Are you stupid enough to believe

that I'd leave you here with my wife?

- Your wife?

- Or anybody's wife.

Now, then, if you're through

ordering me around,

you can get out yourself.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Well, go ahead, start something.

You're the loud one.

Start something yourself.

For the last time, are you leaving?

- Are you?

- No!

No!

- Who is it?

- It's us!

Come in.

- Have you decided anything?

- Yes.

My former friend here claimed

I wouldn't have a chance even if I stayed.

So I'm staying.

And I'm going to do everything possible

to make you decide you love me

and want me for your only husband.

- Why, darling.

- Vicky, remember the law.

- What law?

- Any law. He can't stay here!

- Why can't he? We have a guest room.

- I won't have him in the same house.

You're going to have him in the same room.

- What?

- What?

Since you men haven't reached a decision,

the only proper thing for me to do is

to put both my husbands in the guest room.

- Bill Cardew, I won't stand for this.

- Why don't you leave?

Vicky, as your legal husband, I'm asking

you to order this cad out of the house.

As her legal husband, I'm asking you

to shut your mouth before I slit your throat!

Now, boys.

Henry, dear, where is the robe you used

before we bought you the new one?

I won't tell.

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