Tootsie Page #3

- I can't put you up for that.

- Why not?

Because no one will hire you.

I bust my ass to get a part right!

And you bust everybody else's ass too!

Who wants to argue about

whether Tolstoy can...

...walk when he's dying

or walk when he's talking..?

That was two years ago,

and that guy's an idiot!

They can't all be idiots.

You argue with everybody!

You've got one of the worst

reputations in this town.

Nobody will hire you.

Are you saying that nobody

in New York will work with me?

Nobody in Hollywood will either.

I can't even get you a commercial.

You played a tomato, and they went over

schedule because you wouldn't sit.

Yes, it wasn't logical.

You were a tomato! A tomato

doesn't have logic. It can't move!

So if he can't move,

how's he going to sit down?

I was a stand-up tomato.

A juicy, sexy, beefsteak tomato!

Nobody does vegetables like me!

I did vegetables off-Broadway!

I did the best tomato,

the best cucumber!

I did an endive salad that knocked

the critics on their ass!

I'm trying to stay calm here.

You are a wonderful actor.

Thank you.

But you're too much trouble.

Get some therapy.

Okay, thanks. I'm gonna raise

$8,000 to do Jeff's play.

Michael, you're not

gonna raise 25 cents.

No one will hire you.

Oh, yeah?

Dorothy Michaels?

- Yes.

- George Fields is your agent?

- Yes.

- Okay, ladies.

Please bring your pages

and follow me.

I hate this line,

"You have every right to happiness."

This is Dorothy Michaels.

Our director, Ron Carlysle.

That's our producer, Rita Marshall.

George Fields is Dorothy's agent.

That's impressive.

I'm afraid you're not right for

this role. Thanks for coming by.

Page 205, you want camera one or two?

- Camera two, and tell Art.

- Why am I not right?

I'm trying to make

a certain statement...

...and I'm looking for

a specific physical type.

Mr. Carlysle, I'm a character actress.

I can play it any way you want.

I'm sure you're a very good actress.

It's just that you're not

threatening enough.

Not threatening enough?

Take your hands off me or

I'll knee you in the balls!

- Is that enough of a threat?

- It's a start.

I think I know what you want.

You want a caricature of a woman.

To prove some point like

power makes a woman masculine...

...or masculine women are ugly.

Well, shame on any woman

that lets you do that.

And that means you, Miss Marshall.

Shame on you, you macho shithead.

Jesus!

What is idiotic about power

making a woman masculine?

Not that that was my point.

Miss Michaels, just a minute.

Was that for real

or were you auditioning?

Which answer will get me

a reading, Miss Marshall?

Well, good for you.

Come.

- Miss Michaels.

- Yes. Oh, thank you.

You really think she's worth testing?

She told me no director had ever

communicated a part to her so fast.

She said that?

I like her...

...accent.

- I gotta get these back in order.

- They won't know the difference.

I'm a little nervous.

Just think of them

as something friendly.

Like a firing squad.

Miss Michaels, we're going to

do a camera test now.

Let me have a right profile, camera 1.

Camera 3, a left profile.

What side?

Left side.

Which way for your left?

- What?

- Is that my left or your left?

Wait. What are you talking about?

My left.

Your left.

Miss Michaels, nobody's talking to you.

I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted my profile.

- Not so close on camera 3.

- Camera 3, back off.

Make her look a little more attractive.

How far can you pull back?

- How do you feel about Cleveland?

- Knock it off.

That's good right there, Herbie.

Dorothy, honey, we're going

to try one. Okay?

Let me see exactly

what you showed us a while ago.

Cue her, Jo.

"I know the kind of woman

you are, Emily.

You're getting older. You don't have

a man, so you want to act like one."

Shut your mouth right now. When you

talk to me, talk professionally.

You don't get personal.

That is inappropriate behavior.

I'm proud of being a woman,

Dr. Brewster.

I'm proud of this hospital,

and you should be too.

And I must tell you, before I let it

be destroyed by your petty tyrannies...

...by your callous inhumanities, sir...

...I'm going to recommend

you be turned out into the street.

Good day, Dr. Brewster.

I said good day, sir.

Thank you.

Hold it a minute.

Tough cookie.

I gave her that direction.

Something more, though.

I don't know. It's your decision,

but something about her bothers me.

I like it.

We'll send the contracts to George.

Excuse me. Could you help me?

I'm looking for the Russian Tea Room.

This is the Russian Tea Room.

You're in front of it.

Oh, well, my stars! So it is.

Well, this is very embarrassing.

Yeah, well, this is it.

Thanks very much.

Good afternoon, Mr. Fields.

Nice to see you. Please sit down.

- The waiter will be just a minute.

- George, how are you?

Hey, Ronnie. How are you?

- Hi.

- Wait a minute...

I'm new in town, and I'm lonely.

Would you buy me lunch?

You can't come...

Gregory, this woman...

Don't. It's okay.

George. George. George.

It's Michael Dorsey, okay?

Your favorite client. How are you?

Last job you got me was a tomato.

- Oh, no, no, no...

- Yeah.

- Swear to God.

- Michael?

Oh, God! I begged you to get therapy.

- You also said no one would hire me.

- And this'll make a difference?

I got a soap.

I'm the new woman administrator on

Southwest General.

Congratulate me! They thought

I almost looked too feminine.

- Something from the bar?

- A double vodka right away, please.

For the lady?

How about a Dubonnet with a twist?

- Thank you. Lovely blouse.

- Thank you.

- Welcome.

- You won't get away with this.

- I got away with it. Look around.

- I don't believe this.

I mean, I just don't

believe anybody else will.

- You want to bet?

- Don't sit...

- You know Joel Spector.

- Hello, Joel. How are you?

I talked to Stuart yesterday.

He'll be one more week in London.

Then he definitely...

- I missed you!

- Then he definitely...

You're such a tickly-wickly. You

never were before. We go back years.

- We haven't been introduced.

- Joel Spector.

- I'm sorry.

- Phil Weintraub.

- Sorry. This is Michael...

- Dorothy Michaels. Nice to meet you.

May I say that you are

the best director...

- Producer.

- Sorry. Producer...

...on the Broadway scene today.

Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Michaels.

- Hope to see you again.

- Let's have lunch.

- Fine.

- Call you.

He's handsome.

You should represent him.

- You are psychotic!

- No, I'm employed.

- I got the whole world...

- Don't!

- I won't make fun of you.

- Don't get close to me!

- Loan me $1000 till payday.

- For what?

For what? I gotta have something

to wear besides this.

I won't let you not buy it.

It's the best dress you've had on.

I think it makes me look dumpy.

Because you're wearing ankle straps.

With a few alterations...

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Thank you, thank you.

What are you doing?

I was here first!

Thank you.

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