Top Five

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1

I'm telling you,

everything means something.

No, everything does not

mean something, okay?

Sometimes a movie is just a movie.

Sometimes a song is just a song,

sometimes a joke is just a joke.

- Remember those, jokes?

- Yeah, I remember 'em.

Okay. So lighten up.

We have a black President now.

- Be excited.

- Half black.

- A little bit. Just a little excited.

- Half black! Half black!

And whenever something goes well

in the country,

the white people go, "The President's

doing such a great job."

And then whenever there's a problem,

it's like,

"That nigga's ruining everything!"

Nope. We are going to have

a woman president next

- and she is going to be Latina.

- Yeah? Okay.

And she might even be gay.

- And we'll have an Asian president.

- A balanced budget.

And we will have

another handicapped president.

Okay, hold on. We're not gonna

have a handicapped president.

Yes. Yes, we will. We already had one.

- We already had one.

- No, no. I'm talking about

out-the-closet handicapped president.

He was out of the closet.

What is wrong...

- Okay. That...

- Hey, hey. Don't get me wrong.

People knew that he was handicapped.

No, I got nothing

against the handicapped,

but everybody's not as liberal as me,

okay?

The media wasn't better then.

I mean, you "run" for president,

you don't "roll" for president.

Like, you'll "run" a campaign,

you don't "roll" a campaign.

- You are horrible.

- I'm not horrible.

That is sick. What is wrong with you?

- I'm sick?

- Yes.

I'm the one voting for the Mexican

lesbian handicapped president.

Oh, my God. You know what?

People are more accepting now.

And thank God for that because

it is literally rough for women, okay?

Yeah.

But I am hopeful,

because people are changing, okay?

- Really?

- Things are changing.

You need to wake up

and smell the progress.

No, no, no, no.

You need to wake up, okay?

Wake up and smell the progress.

- Nothing's changed.

- Yes!

Some things never change.

- Thank God things change!

- Hey, look at this.

Black man trying to get a cab

in New York City.

- Watch this bullshit.

- What's up, Hammy!

Black man trying to get a cab.

Look at this! Taxi, taxi!

Taxi, taxi! Yeah.

Thank you for joining me

at this special edition of my program

at this great university.

In 2005, Time magazine

voted today's guest

"The Funniest Man in America."

By 2010,

the former stand-up had hit it big

with a string of blockbuster movies,

including Hammy the Bear 1, 2 and 3.

All right, Sanchez, here's the plan.

I need you to get that box

of guns across the street.

We don't got time for that.

Sanchez, you got plenty of time.

You got Hammy Time! Now go!

It's Hammy Time! It's Hammy Time!

It's Hammy Time!

It's Hammy Time!

When you were in school,

were you the class clown?

When's the next Hammy movie?

And after some run-ins with the law

due to a battle with alcoholism...

I mean, I was at this restaurant

the other day,

and I saw this guy drink half a beer.

And I was like, wow,

how the hell he do that?

Do you think you're ever

gonna go back to stand-up?

I am past stand-up.

I've done it. I had fun with it.

Here's the thing.

To me, there's nothing better

than the first day your movie comes out,

and sneaking into the back of a theater,

and just watching people

enjoy themselves.

Did you lose your taste though

for comedy?

I want to make uplifting entertainment.

- I wanna make...

- Like Uprize?

Like Uprize. I want to make

thought-provoking entertainment.

This weekend is big.

Opening today, you can see him

play the Haitian revolutionary

Dutty Boukman in his new movie, Uprize.

And you can also see him getting married

to reality star Erica Long

on Bravo.

Hi!

Look who's here.

- Hi, doll.

- Hey, beautiful.

Dre, my man.

Hey, would you mind getting in

on the other side of the car

and then exiting this side?

Please, it's for the show.

F*** you, Benny. I'm not on your show.

No, you are on the show,

you're just not getting paid.

Guys, play nice, please.

I always play nice.

It's not me.

Mr. Groom, baby, we are almost there.

We've got three more days

and then we're married.

You happy?

I'm happy. I'm just a little stressed out

from this movie. That's all.

Why are you stressed?

Baby, you did great work.

- I know. I know.

- You murdered that role.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Okay?

Where's my kiss?

Do we have to do this on camera?

Let's just get off camera.

Let's go back in the car.

If it's not on camera, it doesn't exist.

Our thanks to Andre Allen!

Hammy! Hammy!

You know, today's one of those days

I feel like having a drink.

Not funny. Don't talk like that.

I don't want to hear about you drinking

and I don't feel like

getting you out of jail.

Don't worry, no slip-ups.

- Hey.

- Thanks.

You know, I can't wait to see the movie

play in a theater later!

It's gonna be packed.

It's gonna be something else.

I can't wait.

I love me a big girl.

You moving with confidence.

By the way,

Erica wants you to

wear a red shirt on the plane,

and when you get off, she will have

a camera crew waiting for you.

Camera crew, red shirt.

What, are they scared

they're not gonna be able to find me

amongst the sea of niggas

getting off of private jets?

I'm not wearing the shirt.

Okay, whatever, man.

Let's move on to the next interview.

Next interview? I thought I was done

until XM and the junket.

Well, Charles just texted me this one.

They need you for a few hours.

A Wyclef movie is hard to sell.

Everybody in the barber shop

wants to see you in that bear costume.

They love you in that bear costume.

You gotta wear it, baby.

Yeah, but they can't even see my face.

But they feeling you, son.

That's who you are! You Hammy!

I told you, I don't feel like

doing funny movies anymore.

I don't feel funny.

We talked about this.

Save some of that stuff

for your Times interview.

Times? F*** the Times.

You act like you've never

had a bad review before.

I could take one, but every one?

"Every one," really?

Come on, man. Look at this sh*t.

"Andre Allen is the most

pathetic character in cinema today.

"If he ever put out another movie,

"I would not see it

if it was playing in my glasses."

Why the f*** would somebody

say some sh*t like that?

That's James Nielson.

That's what he does.

He's a critic.

And he won't show his face.

No, f*** James Nielson.

He's been ripping my sh*t apart

for years.

The next one's a chick.

She just wants to do

a profile piece on you.

And I think she's a big fan of yours.

F*** the Times.

You're gonna do this, okay?

I'm not going to go

back and forth with you about this.

We talked about it.

It's The New York Times.

Do you hear me? The New York Times!

Let me ask you a question.

When you told me that you wanted to do

that movie Crossbusters,

what'd I say to you, Andre?

"Not a good idea."

When you tell me that you wanted to do

that little baseball movie,

what I say to you, Andre?

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