Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip 2 Page #5

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that I'd just thought of.

- Ooh, my back! I can't get in! I can't!

- Get in the car.

- Just get in the car.

- I can't.

- Get in.

- I'm not... Look.

CLARKSON:
Ow! My back again.

(ENGINE REVS)

CLARKSON:
Luckily though, I'd chosen

the safest route

to the hotel.

You're a lot slower than

I thought you'd be. It's quite good.

Is it like this all the way

this afternoon?

- I'm just saying.

- Is it?

CLARKSON:
Happily, the answer was... yes.

HAMMOND:
Oh, come on! I've been

desperate to have a go in this!

You'll be able to say that

you've driven a McLaren P1.

Think of that.

CLARKSON:
Well, well done.

Well, just think,

no, you didn't crash once.

Yes, all right.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna celebrate that

with a big plate of spaghetti Bolognese.

- Oh, good luck with that.

- Yes, in here.

- CLARKSON:
Is it in there?

- Yeah, I think so.

HAMMOND:
The next morning,

Jeremy had planned a visit

to see some more old buildings.

But I'd come up with something

much, much better.

If this involves rallying,

- I'm going to kill you.

- It doesn't. It isn't.

No, but, Hammond,

this is a loose surface.

And that smells of rallying to me.

Fear not, this is something else.

- What?

- Well, you will have heard

- of the Mille Miglia.

- Yup.

A thousand miles through Italy

in something like a

1952 Alfa Romeo?

- That is what we're gonna do.

- Really?

- Well, I've had to change a few things.

- What things?

The distance.

I've brought it down a bit.

How far is it?

It's four miles.

So it's the Quattro Miglia.

Snappy title, I like that.

Yeah, it's that.

- Is it in 1952 Alfa Romeos?

- No.

We are doing it

in Ferraris.

- Really?

- Yeah. Come with me. Come have a look.

- What Ferraris?

- Have a look. Come with me.

Your car. Ferrari 355. There it is.

I know.

CLARKSON:
Immediately, I could see

something was wrong.

- What is it?

- It's a Fiero underneath.

Buried deep under the Ferrari styling.

It's a Pontiac.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's a Pontiac

that is

styled by someone in a garage

whose wife's left him

to look a bit like a Ferrari 355.

- Yes.

- A car I used to own.

Oh, for God's sake.

Right, we're gonna fire it up?

- HAMMOND:
Yeah.

- (ENGINE SQUEAKS)

Listen to that. The belt's slipping.

- CLARKSON:
That's a V6.

- Yeah, it is.

So from memory,

it's a Fiero engine, yeah?

It is, yeah.

V6. I think 140 horsepower

those engines had?

Thereabouts.

CLARKSON:
Just 'cause it says

F355 Berlinetta on the back,

doesn't make it.

If I stencil the words "Brad" and "Pitt"

on the back of you,

it doesn't make you Brad Pitt.

No, but for a moment,

it might fool someone.

- Do you want to see mine?

- What is it?

Come and have a look.

- A Testarossa. Yeah?

- (LAUGHS)

It's got the streaks on the side.

HAMMOND:
All the styling cues

are there! Look!

Look at the overhang.

Yeah, well, it was big on the original

and it's even bigger on this one.

- Hammond?

- Yeah?

Forgive me, okay, this is obviously

plastic, because all kit cars are.

Have you seen the framework?

- It's made from...

- It's 4x2.

- Yeah, it's...

- 4x2. It's wood.

Well, it's like it's a Morgan, isn't it?

Coach build that.

It's a fence. With some plastic on it.

- What is that?

- That's the original...

The original Fiero had

a four-cylinder engine in it.

- 2.5-litre?

- Yeah.

How many horsepower is that?

So it's a 92-horsepower Testarossa?

Yep.

- (ENGINE STARTS)

- HAMMOND:
Ah!

Testarossa. Four cylinder.

- CLARKSON:
Headlamps.

- One works!

CLARKSON:
I then decided to see

how far away you'd have to stand

for it to look like a real Testarossa.

So not, mate, that's still

not a Testarossa.

HAMMOND:
No, it's not quite there.

I think further.

Another couple of steps back.

Come on!

From here, that could be a Testarossa.

Yes, but it could also be a phone box.

- But...

- I'm sorry, so long as it's occupying

a pixel, it couldn't be

a Ferrari Testarossa.

Yeah.

Here we go. The inaugural Richard

Hammond four-mile-on-gravel,

plastic-Pontiac-Ferrari

kit car challenge is about to begin.

Tre, due, uno... Vai!

And we are off.

Yes! The mighty V6

is off to an amazing start.

And the four-cylinder Testarossa

has been left far behind.

Thing is, I have always wanted

to do the Mille Miglia.

But I've never been invited

because I'm a Brummie yob.

But even if I had been invited,

I haven't got the time.

It's 1,000 miles. Takes ages.

This. Quattro Miglia. I've got time.

And for spectators,

they get to see Ferraris

racing in ways

they never normally would.

That was a bit skiddy.

No anti-lock brakes,

no traction control.

No driver aids of any kind, just

pure push-rod technology.

Why can't Richard Hammond ever dream up

a motorsport that I might like?

Jeremy's lost a piece of car.

Expecting this to last

four miles is like expecting

a fake Rolex

that you bought for a fiver at

a market stall in Hong Kong to last

four trips to the shower.

It won't. It'll break.

Oh. Another piece of car.

Oh, no. Losing power.

(CAR SPUTTERS)

Many bangs. Big bangs there.

(CAR SPUTTERS AND MISFIRES)

Clear your throat, car!

Clear your throat and go!

(CAR CONTINUES MISFIRING)

And we've locked up the rear wheels.

Yeah, that's not good.

And there's nothing at all now.

Fortunately, the 355 was

in a terrible state.

The engine had cooked itself

and the alternator

had stopped alternating.

Unfortunately, however,

it was all fixable,

and many hours later

I was able to finish Hammond's

stupid little race.

- CLARKSON:
Yes!

- Well done!

- Four miles!

- Oh, yeah!

CLARKSON:
Four miles completed.

- Feat of endurance.

- My misery is at an end.

Yes!

You have made it to stage two!

- What?

- Well, while you were finishing

the massive endurance feat,

you and car, stage one,

this is stage two!

- What is stage two?

- Well, while you were gone,

I've worked out a lap

around these buildings in this

- beautiful old Tuscan town.

- Well, how many laps?

As many as you can manage.

What, so the last one still running

is the winner?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna drive it into a wall.

HAMMOND:
This was the stage

I had lined up.

It was around a stunning, deserted

Tuscan village.

(GRUNTING)

Okay, this is it.

Thing is, you wouldn't do this

in a normal Ferrari

but you'd do it in this one.

It's better.

How in the name of Zeus' butthole

have I ended up doing this?

Right. Scan flick.

Never been done in a Ferrari before.

Oh, can't see anything now.

Blind! And hot and miserable!

I can't see a thing!

Yeah, the dust is a problem

on this stage.

That's what makes it a unique event.

CLARKSON:
Then, I had an idea.

If I catch up to him

and ram him off the track,

then he will lose

and the misery will be over.

That's not helping.

It's not supposed

to be stock car racing.

It's the city stage.

I'm ramming him! I'm ramming him!

No! No! No!

Clarkson, it's not a demolition derby.

I'm in a Ferrari.

CLARKSON:
Mercifully, as we racked up

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