Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip 2 Page #4

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I'm a bit scared.

- I've got many things to set up.

- Yes.

In drive gearbox.

Violent settings.

Okay, Jag,

I need you to behave.

Steering comfort.

Lovely.

Oh, God, I can actually see him.

This is it. Here we go! Oop!

Struggling for traction.

Oh, deary me, I've made

a mess of all that.

HAMMOND:
This is the most powerful car.

I stand a very real

chance of doing this.

CLARKSON:
Hammond got a better start.

He also has,

let's be brutally honest about this,

about 130 more horsepower than I do.

HAMMOND:
I must be neat and crisp.

Think like a racing driver, Richard.

The problem is, I'm not

very good at doing that and the car,

I don't think wants to.

What I need now is precision.

That'll all have to come from me.

Which means I have had it,

because I don't have any precision.

Right, turn in. Just focus on

tightly clean lines.

Not sliding all the way round like this.

This isn't helping anything.

Sliding's not good.

Sliding won't help.

CLARKSON:
That Jag is fast.

But it is waggling its tail

all over the shop.

Damn, damn, damn.

He's on the grass.

I've got him here, surely.

Ha-ha!

God, that BMW's got some go.

Sliding will not help.

Mustn't do it.

Just concentrate on the job in hand

which is catching The Stig.

And then passing him. Some say that

if he's ever overtaken,

he will actually lay an egg.

Still no sign of the little Fiat.

I can scarcely believe my eyes.

It's just not anywhere to be seen!

Where the hell is The Stig?

There he is!

There he is in his little Fiat.

Jeremy's on it! There is The Stig!

CLARKSON:
165 horsepower, he's got.

I've got 425.

He's in range!

HAMMOND:
Jeremy's trying to get past!

He is blocking him.

He's not having it, is he?

CLARKSON:
Now he's weaving around.

He's being Maldonado!

Now I can't get past Jeremy.

No, not sideways. I have

to stop Hammond.

It means I can't get past The Stig

if I'm doing that!

Oh, Richard, that's not helping.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Oh, I've spun. Oh, sh*t.

(GRUNTING) Sh*t!

Oh, dear, I've done a bad thing.

I'll not deny it. I've crashed.

Yes, we know. I saw you go off.

I broke the car.

It's always me.

It's always me!

Right, no need to worry

about Hammond any more.

HAMMOND:
Go get him!

Yeah, I'd like to think that Jeremy

is doing that for the team now.

Right. Go get him.

CLARKSON:
Here I come!

Fake right, go left.

Yes!

What you gonna do now, Stiglet?

Yes, I've got you.

I've got you stuffed out there.

Rage emanating from every

fibre of his being,

because he knows he's history.

Victory is mine!

Right. When I see Hammond...

When I see Hammond, practise my face.

HAMMOND:
All right. But come on,

what's it like?

Actually overtaking The Stig.

What did it...

CLARKSON:
Well, it's strange 'cause

it's like a Doctor Who special effect.

It's like space and time,

they move.

Yeah, but was it like a tunnel?

CLARKSON:
You can hear... Oop.

(CAR APPROACHING)

- CLARKSON:
Here he comes now.

- Here he is.

- He's...

- 'Cause this has never happened.

No, it's never happened.

In his entire life.

He's never been overtaken.

(TYRES SCREECHING)

CLARKSON:
I think he's probably

in a bad mood.

HAMMOND:
He won't be in a... I mean,

he doesn't get in moods.

He's The Stig. It's just...

It's body language...

No, his body language is bad.

- We're not looking like a...

- No, he's all right, he's okay.

CLARKSON:
No, he's... Ooh, he's...

(METAL CLANKING)

HAMMOND:
I'm surprised! That's...

CLARKSON:
He's...

- Let's... Let's look at this.

- Oh, I don't wanna... Please.

Probably having me nose rubbed

in the carpet.

- CLARKSON:
So you've done this panel.

- Yes.

And you've also done...

I notice you've done this panel.

- Yeah.

- CLARKSON:
This panel here.

HAMMOND:
And a door.

- So, it's time to move on now. Um...

- It is.

- Yes, please. I'd like a lift... Yes.

- You'd like a ride in the BMW.

Yes, please.

CLARKSON:
Oh, for God's sake.

That's childish, isn't it?

CLARKSON:
The next morning

over breakfast,

we decided not to do the next leg

of ourjourney

in a car with a gentleman sausage

painted on the side.

This is Tuscany.

I'm trying to think what car

we should be using here.

Because it's the sort of New Labour,

lovey, spiritual home, you know,

Tony Blair,

- Polly Toynbee, Melvyn Bragg, Sting...

- What'll fit?

Yeah...

Hybrid?

We gotta blend in, we gotta

use something that's eco-friendly.

- Yeah, we'll drive a hybrid.

- Okay.

We'll eat organic vegetables. And mud.

We won't use soap while we're here.

We'lljust use leaves.

I'm looking forward

to trying a new lifestyle.

CLARKSON:
This would be the hybrid

we'd be driving.

The tree hugging McLaren P1.

We're actually on the motorway...

- In the car of the future.

- ...in electro-drive.

CLARKSON:
That's 80 miles an hour.

HAMMOND:
It's really not trying.

People go on about, "Oh, what are you

gonna do when electric cars come along?"

Drive like maniacs in silence.

CLARKSON:
Oh, it's quicker than a

Golf GTI just using its batteries.

And when you get bored

with the sound of silence...

(ENGINE ROARS)

...you just turn on the V8 soundtrack.

Oh, it makes some good noises.

- You feel the torque then?

- It is properly fast.

Most cars you can use full throttle

pretty much whenever you want.

But this, you just can't.

If you use full throttle in this,

you need to be

pretty certain...

- There's a big run-off.

- Yeah.

There's run-offs everywhere.

- God, the steering in this...

- Yeah, I can feel it dance.

- Absolutely...

- Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

- It must feel amazing at the wheel.

- It does.

Also, the way... You know the way

bumps can often upset a super car.

But because of the suspension in this,

they just don't.

I'm glad it feels good to drive. Good.

Really, really pleased to hear that.

Why aren't I driving?

Well, I've never driven it! It's my go.

Well, yesterday, you had 540 horsepower

and you crashed. This has 904.

Yeah, but I won't crash it.

- Shall I tell you what.

- What?

CLARKSON:
It's really good.

It doesn't feel like

any other super car.

- Does it not?

- No.

I don't know how it feels

because I've never driven it.

CLARKSON:
To try and put an end

to Hammond's moaning...

You're gonna let me drive,

is that why you're slowing?

No.

...I decided to stop off at a vineyard

for some blind wine tasting.

(GARGLES)

Mmm. Mmm.

- Red.

- No! It's white!

- Oh, damn it.

- I'm sorry, mate.

Right, let's try this one, hang on.

(GARGLES LOUDLY)

Ooh, that got it.

- Beer.

- No, it's red.

- Is it? Oh!

- Right, one more. One more.

Hmm?

What are you getting?

- Red.

- No.

Well, nearly. Red Bull.

It was diet though. You see?

I threw you a blind one.

(LAUGHS) Really? Red Bull?

- Hey!

- What?

- You swallowed the wine?

- Yeah.

You can't drive!

I haven't had anything.

I've been pouring.

You've been drinking.

You cannot drive.

You did that on purpose.

No.

Get in the car. Come on, get in.

CLARKSON:
There was, however,

a small problem

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