Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip 2 Page #3

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What racetrack?

Can't remember what it's called,

but there's a big red helmet

- at the entrance.

- Let me guess.

Is there only room for one car

on the racetrack?

- No.

- And you're on it first.

No, honestly...

I think we should go there.

No, we should.

- It's a proper racetrack.

- Yes, it is.

- It is.

- All right.

Just have to look for a red helmet.

And so the search began.

(SPEAKING BROKEN ITALIAN)

You don't know. Okay.

(SPEAKING BROKEN ITALIAN)

Grazie.

They don't seem to know, Hammond.

Well, what are you asking?

(SPEAKING BROKEN ITALIAN)

Um, does that mean you're asking them

where their red helmet is?

Oh, yeah.

That might be a bit rude actually.

Eventually, after fine-tuning

our Italian, we found it.

Think you will agree, Hammond,

that is a red helmet.

HAMMOND:
It's a very big

red helmet, yes.

CLARKSON:
This is Mugello.

It's not the fastest racetrack

in the world,

or the most technical,

but it's sure as hell

the prettiest.

And these are the cars

we'd be driving round it.

I had gone for the new BMW M4.

And Hammond had chosen the V8

Jaguar F-Type Coup R.

A car he doesn't like very much.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Why don't you like it?

Well, I don't think it's as pretty

as everyone says it is.

- It is.

- I don't think it is.

And I don't like the noises it makes.

All those crackles and bangs.

They're artificial.

They're there because a man with

a laptop told it to sound like that.

The V6 isn't as bad,

but this V8, it's...

(STAMMERING) It's false.

So... Okay, you had a choice.

You could have any car you like here.

Why have you brought something

you don't like?

You shall see.

CLARKSON:
And with that, he was gone.

Listen to that.

Sounds like it's got indigestion.

And then when you lift off...

(CRACKLING)

Most people hear a car

making noises like that,

they'll think it's broken.

Don't like the interior,

I think the dials are boring.

Putting the light control

on the end of the indicator stalk,

fine in a Nissan Micra,

but in a 95,000 sports car,

it suggests they're too lazy or too mean

to develop a separate switch for it.

And I think it's too expensive.

Best part of 95,000

when you've specced it up

to anything acceptable.

Not so long ago, that was

super car money. It's too much.

It should be altogether cheaper.

So why then have I chosen this car

for my day at Mugello?

Simple.

Because it's more powerful than the BMW

and it can do this.

Some cars can be made to over-steer,

to drift and slide.

This wants to. It's all it wants to do.

(LAUGHING)

Even I can drift this and I'm an idiot!

It's just a hooligan machine.

It might be a Jaguar,

but

it ain't no stuffed shirt.

There are all of two things

I don't like about the BMW

and not just the colour

which, of course, is hideous.

See, the thing is, in essence,

this is a two-door M3,

what used to be called the M3 Coup.

But they've now called it an M4

and they've thought, "Right,

"we must make it different."

And look how much styling there is

in that bit of car.

And then look at the bonnet.

It goes up there,

then up again, then up again

and the door mirror...

Why is it so fussy?

You get the impression that

if the man who'd styled this

were given the job of styling

Angelina Jolie,

"She's got lovely eyes

so I'll give her six of those,

and 14 noses and 23 lips."

And it wouldn't have worked.

And there's more.

Richard's Jag, that has a V8.

The old M3 had a V8.

This has a 3-litre turbo-charge 6,

and I'm sorry, but

turbo charging is for the weak.

I know it's very good for emissions

and polar bears and so on,

but there has to be lag.

There has to be a gap

between when you put your foot down

and the car moving forward.

There has to be.

You can't feel it but it must be there.

It... It must.

Loser!

Very good.

There's another eco issue as well.

They fitted electric power steering.

Whatever you do,

if you have one of these,

never, ever, ever put the steering

in sport plus,

'cause then it's like a switch.

Over-steer on, off. On, off.

Right. I've now got it set up.

Gearbox in maximum attack mode.

Suspension, maximum attack.

Steering, maximum comfort.

'Cause then it'll work. See?

Easy now. Much easier.

(LAUGHS)

And loser!

Yes, very good, Hammond. Very good.

But behind all the little niggles,

there is one inescapable truth.

The old M3 did

the standing kilometre in 24 seconds.

This does it in 22.

But it's not the speed

that impresses most of all with the M4.

It's the precision of the handling.

(ENGINE REVVING)

The obvious thing about this is that

it's all held together with

a latticework of aluminium

and carbon fibre. It's incredibly stiff.

And you can feel that.

(TYRES SQUEALING)

Just a wonderful sense

of just the back starting to go

and it's all communicated beautifully.

If you set it up right.

Hey! Loser!

I've had enough of this.

As I was becoming weary

with cheery Hammond,

I invited him into the pits for lunch...

And an argument.

Why are you eating biscuits?

They haven't got spaghetti

Bolognese, have they?

Well, have rag.

- I don't want rag.

- It's lovely.

- (MUTTERING)

- You'll like it.

- I don't like it.

- That's... Quick...

Uh, yeah... But...

It's a bit

boring compared with that, mate.

This is a different animal to previous

M3 coups. It...

It's definitely different. You know,

the turbo charging and

the electric steering have really

made it very different.

But it is still a serious player.

It's properly quick.

You get... You get it right.

And what was that word you just used?

- What?

- Serious.

- Yeah.

- It is a bit serious. There is a whiff

of serious. It's taking

it all seriously. That

might be a Jag,

but it's mental. It's complete...

It's lunatic.

Even I can slither about in that

and sort it out. It's...

- It's...

- It's got a sticky front

and a loose back end.

- And who doesn't like that?

- Yeah, exactly.

Not a phrase for

a first date, obviously.

No, exactly. But I do like...

- I thought we were...

- I wasn't expecting that.

...freed from that sort of thing.

"As this argument is getting boring..."

- Well, not really.

- I was enjoying it.

"...we've devised a challenge to

see which of your cars is best.

You'll now race The Stig."

Really?

Yeah. "He will be driving

a Fiat 500 Abarth." Oh...

It's a little hatchback.

"He will be given a two minute,

30 second..."

Two and a half minutes start?

"First one to pass him wins."

Pass him?

What, as in when he's there,

overtake him?

You mean we've got to overtake The Stig?

Is that technically,

physically possible?

Stepping into the unknown.

It's like going through a wormhole.

Right.

So, with heavy hearts and wide eyes,

we lined our cars up on the start line,

next to The Stig.

- On the green.

- Okay.

- (LAUGHING)

- It's rubbish.

That was his best shot?

Two and a half minutes.

You see it's been raining.

Yes, I am aware of this. Jeremy.

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