Top Gear: The Perfect Road Trip 2 Page #7

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three-quarter length trousers

all day tomorrow, okay?

Three, two, one...

Go!

Right. Hammond has gone wrong.

HAMMOND:
So, I am looking for

a cobbled horse track

in a square that isn't square

and if I lose,

I have to wear white three-quarter

length trousers for a day.

My life is weird.

CLARKSON:
Right.

First things first. I just put

everything in dynamic mode.

There we are.

That firms up... (STUTTERING) Oh, no.

That doesn't firm everything up.

It solidifies the suspension...

They should call it bounce-matic.

Back into auto.

And now we've lost the sharpness.

Also, it isn't as accelerative

as a Golf R. And I don't know how

that can be. I mean, it's smaller.

Why isn't it faster?

So, the Mini was too big,

the Audi was all wrong,

and we'd both entered

Siena from completely

different directions.

I think it's right in

towards the centre.

Looking on my big satnav here,

which can take into account the weather.

What it can't do is find

the Campo de... Whatever it's called.

We've established then,

that the S1 is bouncy in dynamic mode

and bland in auto mode.

But, at 25,000, it is

at least expensive.

And it's not like you're paying

for four-wheel drive,

'cause most of

the time it's front-wheel drive.

Only in dire emergencies is

half the power sent to the back.

Meanwhile, Hammond

was having some issues as well.

What I should have done

is bring a small car

rather than a Mini. Oh...

I can't do it. Uh...

- (BRAKES SCREECHING)

- Ooh! Crikey, Moses!

Sorry. I've gotten slightly distracted.

Oh... Right.

Okay.

Cars are, of course, banned from Siena

apart from these ones.

You can have as many

laws as you like in Italy,

just so long as they are not enforced.

HAMMOND:
I can see what the producers

were thinking here,

knowing we were around Siena,

"Small car. Mini. ItalianJob."

Couple of points there. If

The ItalianJob had been done in this,

they would've ended in the first scene

because the cars would've

been stuck in a tunnel.

It's big!

CLARKSON:
Ten minutes in, and it had

become less about a race

and more about survival.

No. Right. I've definitely been

there before.

I am going round in circles!

What if you lived there? How would you

tell anyone it was there?

"It's the tall, brown building,

opposite the tall, brown building.

Next to some tall, brown buildings."

Well, that's everywhere!

Lost...

HAMMOND:
Some of these people

are quite aged.

I suspect they've been looking

for a way out all their lives.

This isn't the Campo.

It's a square but it's not

the square I'm looking for.

Oh, dead end. Not good.

Using the handbrake.

Yes! It works!

And it's a proper handbrake,

not an electronic button.

HAMMOND:
Oh! Cars!

People. Everything. Really dangerous.

Scusi, coming through.

This is hopeless, I'm gonna...

Hang on, that's a big building.

This is it.

The signs are all right.

One, it's not square.

Two, it's cobbled,

three, it's got

a Jeremy bloody Clarkson in it.

Where is he?

Mmm! Hammond...

- Hello.

- Just thinking... Tomorrow,

I am going to wear blue trousers that

go all the way to the ground.

Yeah, whatever. Never mind all that.

'Cause you... What's the word? I know!

- Lost.

- Whatever. Never mind all that.

Is that a spaghetti Bolognese?

Yes, it is!

- Yes, it is. Delicious! Mmm!

- Well, I want some.

But it's not called

spaghetti Bolognese here.

- What's it called?

- It's called...

Ya-yam-a-balenda.

- Ya-yam...

- Ya-yam-a-balenda.

Ya-yam... Hello, yes,

um, ya-yam-a-balenda...

Please...

Ya-yam...

A-balenda.

- (CLARKSON LAUGHING)

- Oh, you total plum sack.

You childish...

You're a grown man!

CLARKSON:
As neither of us had

particularly enjoyed our cars,

we left them in the Campo

and went off to find a hotel on foot.

Do you know it took them

300 years to build that?

Not interested.

But if you imagine,

starting a cathedral,

in 1714 and then finishing it today,

it would be all different as it went up.

- Not interested!

- Glass roof...

CLARKSON:
The next morning,

Hammond emerged from

the hotel looking ridiculous.

But not as ridiculous as he looked when

he got into the car he'd chosen.

The new Chevrolet Corvette Stingray.

So, let's just get this straight.

You're gonna drive from here in Siena...

- Mmm-hmm.

- ...to Rome.

In a Chevrolet Corvette while wearing

white three-quarter length trousers?

Yes. Well, the trousers are your fault.

And it's 150 miles,

this is a brilliant car. 150 miles

in a Corvette with the roof down

really doesn't worry me.

I'm perfectly happy.

Goodbye!

(ENGINE REVS)

Oh! This is perfection!

6.2 litres of American V8 grunt.

Apart from my strides,

I am a very happy boy today.

No, no, no, I'm the happy boy today

because I'm in an Alpha Romeo 4C.

The sun is shining.

And I am on my way to Rome.

Everything about this car,

every single detail,

was designed to be light.

The chassis, for example,

is a carbon fibre tub,

same as you get on a Formula One car or

a McLaren P1.

It weighs 65 kilograms.

The whole car only weighs 900 kilograms.

And that means it doesn't need

a big engine.

Which is why,

mounted just behind the driver

is a small

1 .7-litre, turbo-charged engine

which develops just

237 brake horsepower.

Doesn't sound like much,

but in a feather, trust me,

it is.

This is so much better

than the Corvette.

Hammond?

Yes?

Do you own a gun?

- Why?

- Have you found the little cubbyhole

behind the satnav screen in there?

Here it is.

Yes, I've found it.

That's where you put your

pistol and your Bible.

(LAUGHING)

(IN SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT)

Support the troops, God bless America.

I know he's going to be laughing at me.

Look at that idiot.

Brummie redneck,

with his V8

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) motor...

(NORMAL ACCENT)

But he knows as well as I do

this is not some crude,

primitive Yank tank.

This is a modern car, it's all new.

The only two parts

carried forward from the old Corvette

are an air vent in the filter system

and on the convertible version,

the roof latch,

that's it.

Otherwise, this is an entirely new car.

From the people

who put a man on the moon.

It's fast, too.

The V8 now delivers a whopping

460 brake horsepower

and a top speed

of 190 miles an hour.

CLARKSON:
Keen to show Hammond

that he knows nothing,

I pulled over here,

in the centre of Rome,

to teach him a lesson.

- So this is Rome?

- Yeah.

I thought it was all full of old stuff.

No, no, the Colosseum and

those steps, they're in a

sort of suburb, where tourists go.

This is the actual city centre here.

This is the centre of Rome?

Yes, it's why it wasn't built in a day,

'cause they had to do this place,

it took forever.

- Have you ever driven round it?

- HAMMOND:
No.

- So you've never crashed here then?

- Well, no, I've never driven it.

Why don't you see if you can do a lap

of the centre of Rome

without crashing?

- I'll give it a shot.

- Give it a shot.

I will give that a go.

- Give it a shot.

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