Top Gear Page #10

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got a flat on the front.

We've lost another one.

This road is beyond belief

for killing cars.

'It was inevitable, really,

that eventually one of us

'would suffer some damage

that was slightly more serious

'than a puncture.'

Oh, my God. You are in big trouble.

That one is straight, and

if you come around the other side,

that's on full-left.

You've broken a track rod

steering... Oh, my God.

You can see the wishbone... there.

If you look in there you'll see

the end of it, where it's... gone.

Is it sheared? Yes. It is

completely sheared off.

That might have killed my car.

What's up? He's got a puncture.

He's also got a sheared wishbone.

You're kidding. I'm not.

That's a game over, isn't it?

'The next morning, in our safe camp,

'we counted up the toll

from Death Road.'

I had three punctures,

one of which I have still got.

Two airbags went off,

both of which deafened me

and gave me heart attacks.

What else - oh, all four shock

absorbers are completely ruined.

Yours any better?

Well, I had two punctures,

the fuel line came off,

the front bumper collapsed,

I am not even bothering

to look at my shocks,

because I know they were

absolutely shot, shot absorbers,

but on the plus side, all

the bits that attach the wheels

to the car are intact.

Speaking of which...

actually, where is he?

These are the remnants of the point

at which the track control arm went,

and you can see it was just

rotten from the inside out.

It was going to go at some point,

and when it did collapse,

it took the anti-roll bar

out on the way past.

So, the only option is,

and it is quite a long shot -

this is all useless -

is to use the remainder of the

track control arm that's under

there attached to the hub,

and use this to fabricate and weld

on replacement bits for that.

'At times like this,

the procedure is clear.

'We do leave a man behind.

'But, because we'd come

so far together, and because

'we hadn't had breakfast yet, James

and I decided to bend the rules.'

We'll give him till 11 o'clock.

Fair enough.

That's an hour and ten minutes.

Fair enough.

What time did we get in last night,

about two?

Something like that,

it went on for ever.

Look at what I just slept in,

look at it!

I mean look at the... Thank you!

'At exactly three minutes past 11,

'James and I were parked on the main

road by the camp, waiting to see

'whether we would finish

this journey as a twosome,

'or a threesome.'

Hammond is making a bit of a habit

of this on these adventures, now.

Bolivia, his leg fell off. Oliver.

Oliver? Didn't it make it?

Can't remember.

It did, but we had to wait for

it... Oh, yes, for days and days.

While he put it back together.

Oh, hang on!

Do you hear that? I can, just.

Is that soundtrack of

an approaching moron,

or is it our support truck?

With his silly little face

at the wheel.

What is coming over the hill?

Please let it be a lorry,

please let it be a lorry. Oh!

We can't be... No. Pretend to be

pleased, pretend to be pleased!

Pleased face!

Oh, great, we're all back together

as a team,

oh, right, good, here we go.

Well done, mate. Yes, well done!

Ha-ha-ha! Are you impressed? Yes.

We're impressed that

you're impressed. That's nice.

That looks tremendous. Anyway,

Hammond, while you've been gone,

James and I have made

a bit of a decision. What?

The source of our river

is somewhere up there, OK?

Now, only one of us

can technically get there first -

they'll be the one

who's remembered, the other two

will be forgotten, because nobody

remembers who comes second.

So, we propose a race. Yes.

Three, two, one - go!

And whoever finds the source first -

into the history books,

buried in Westminster Abbey.

They dig up Livingstone,

throw him away,

"You got it wrong..."

You don't have to be buried

immediately?

No, no, when you die.

So, are we ready? The producers are

on the other side of that river.

You can shout "Go!"

I'll do it on my tannoy system.

Are we ready, gentlemen? I am ready.

This is for everything.

The greatest race in the history

of mankind is about to begin.

Three, two, one - GO!

Power, etc.

Where is Jeremy? What was he doing?

Have they learned nothing from

last night? Because I did!

Speed causes punctures.

17 miles an hour,

that's what you need.

I don't want a puncture,

I want to win this,

because this is a race for glory.

The winner will go

in the history books,

the losers will be quietly

forgotten,

and they will end up opening

a shoe shop, probably, in Durham.

'Top Gear's ARU had found an area

of hilly terrain 12 miles to

'the east, where we believed we

would find the source of the Nile.

'Getting there first mattered.'

Richard Hammond hot on my tail,

in the quest for the source

of the Nile,

with his repaired suspension.

This is as fast as I dare go.

Ooooh!

Ow!

The car has just undergone major

surgery, I have just closed

the patient's chest, and

I'm forcing him to play rugby.

If Richard Hammond beats me

in this race,

he will be knighted by the Queen.

She will say, "Arise, Sir Richard."

Oh, you already have.

Where the hell is Jeremy?

This James May-Christian motoring

isn't working,

they're not getting punctures.

I'm going to revert to type.

POWER!

I am a one-man dust machine.

Hammond is going for it,

he's making a move!

Ha-ha-ha!

'For the next few miles,

we jostled for the lead.'

Urgh, it's neck and neck.

Oh, no!

I'm going left,

I'm going to do it. Ooooh!

Ha-ha-ha!

Ooh! Agh!

This!

There they are, I'm catching.

A warning light has come on

to say my car needs a service.

Oooh! Oooh! This is just...

killing my car.

'We were now in the area

where the source should be,

'so we needed to go

off-road to find it.'

We're going to have to go

right somewhere.

Oh, hold on, hold on, what's this?

There!

Come on!

Bugger Clarkson!

Yeaaah! What do you think

of that? Ha-ha!

Westminster Abbey is mine.

'As the plain opened out,

we realised that in normal racing,

'people tend to know where

the finish line is.'

Which way, which way?

'But we had to rely on

intelligence and cunning.'

Right, trees, trees all

growing along a little valley,

that can only mean river.

That is a valley,

I'm not heading down into there,

the source of the Nile isn't going

to be in a valley.

Ah-ha! Uphill, you see.

Uphill is good.

I've totally lost my bearings here,

totally lost.

Hang on a minute! Oh!

This looks...

This looks like a stream.

It's going downhill that way.

So I follow it up...

and the source is in those rocks.

It has to be. Oh, yeah!

Rocks. Many rocks.

That is the sort of magical place

I anticipate finding

the source of the Nile.

There's a bit there moving, so

it's that way. Right, here we go.

It's got to be this way,

and Clarkson clearly has

the same idea.

'And so did Hammond.'

Ow, ow!

Can you imagine children

of the future learning in history

lessons about Sir Richard Hammond?

Nobody wants to think of that.

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