Top Gear Page #9

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and I don't have any money.

Erm...

I've got biscuits.

More biscuits, more sweets.

One second.

OK, this is becoming alarming.

Erm...

I've got crisps.

'With my lunch all gone,

I rejoined my colleagues.'

With hindsight, offering up

biscuits was a mistake.

Yes,

when you have 40 mouths to feed,

unless you're Jesus,

starting with two biscuits

isn't brilliant.

Well, that arrival

was very happy and glorious

and we're excellent

ambassadors for Britain

and her long tradition

of exploration.

In other news,

I've fitted a fan.

'We then broke out the map and went

off to find the mouth of our river.

'The beautiful and majestic

Grumeti.'

In my mind, it was prettier. Yes.

This is quiet, though.

It's not quiet.

I admit, it's not picturesque

and it's not peaceful,

but if we find the source of this...

We've done it.

You can't argue,

we're in the history books.

It flows through Lake Victoria,

into the Nile,

along the Nile,

through the Med

and into the Atlantic.

And as far as I can work out,

it's there.

That's about 70 miles.

We only have 70 miles to do.

The good news is, look, some of it,

you can follow the river

on that road.

But that bit, the last bit,

it's off-road. Yeah.

Look, there's no tracks or anything.

Well... So, that's it.

It can only get prettier.

'And it did, because soon

we were in the Serengeti.

'A vast plain teaming with animals,

all of which, as usual,

'were way beyond the reach

of our camera teams.'

Wildebeest! Wildebeest!

A zebra.

I've seen more already here

on the Serengeti

than I saw in

Sir Richard Hammondborough's

Planet Earth Live programme.

'Why didn't you show us

all of these animals, Hammond,

'on your Planet Earth Live

programme?

'There's millions of them

we could have looked at!'

Shut up!

'Soon, we stopped to check on the

course of our "beautiful" river.

'And here we saw the most

amazing wildlife yet.'

They are the funniest creatures

on earth, aren't they?

Why are they so funny?

This one's been to

the Daktari shop in Florida,

hasn't he, for his outfit?

Every single piece of kit,

he's got the lot.

I don't know why,

but American tourists -

and I know we're watched in America,

I'm not saying you're all like this,

but when you travel,

you're hysterical.

'Sadly, the Americans departed,

leaving us with nothing to look at

'except some hippos.

'So we got back on the road

for the last few miles

'of our epic journey.'

I'm going to put my hand

on my heart and say this

is the best Top Gear adventure

we've ever had.

It's a noble quest in a truly

stunningly beautiful country

full of utterly hospitable people.

'And then, of course,

there were our cars.

'A trio of 1,500-quid high-milers.

'All had been presumably sold

'because their owners thought

they were on their last legs,

'but they'd come here and

taken on the worst

'that Africa could throw at them,

and they'd survived.

'But which had been the most

impressive?

'Well, at the next river check,

we had a chat about that.'

Normally we pick one car

that's best.

Mm. I think on this occasion,

I can't be convinced mine

isn't the best,

But I'm sure you're in the same...

I wouldn't allow anybody to

convince me mine isn't the best.

So, in other words,

let's, on this occasion,

just agree to disagree

and say they're all the best. Yes.

Like one of those primary school

sports days.

Yes. Everybody gets a prize.

You've all won.

There are no losers at St Barnabas'.

Let's go with that,

they are all the best.

That's fair.

They've all done well together.

Let us now find the source of

this disgusting, scummy river. OK.

Rubbish!

If this WERE a school sports day,

here's how it's worked out.

Everyone's got all excited

because the BMW, the fat kid,

and the Volvo, the geeky,

specky, nerdy kid,

have finished the cross-country

course.

"Oh, well done,

we're so amazed you did it!"

But let's not forget

the fact that the genuinely

sporty kid, the Subaru,

who's actually good at this stuff,

also finished and finished well.

Because it's the best. Fact.

Ten minutes after this

show's finished,

you won't be able to describe

what Jeremy was driving,

but you'll be able to describe

this...

because it's got personality,

character,

something about it.

I'm going to miss it.

Now we're alone, viewers,

I can tell you that the Volvo

is the best car here.

Because, let's not forget,

this is a family estate.

It's a family estate pretending

to be a BTCC racing car.

So it's compromised, as well.

It shouldn't be here,

it shouldn't have got this far,

but it is and it has,

and that's why I love it!

It has the biggest heart.

How can May possibly say

that his Volvo's better than this?

It's been like a seal

on the entire journey,

endlessly dragging its stomach

along the floor.

And it broke his back.

He'd have been better off

doing this journey

on a space hopper.

Then we have Hammond's "Tubaru,"

which is as needlessly complicated

as those idiotic trousers

he insists on wearing

with all their special pockets

and clips for mossie spray

and a hunting knife

with a special compass.

What's the point?

I've done the entire journey

in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.

And that's what the 5 Series is,

it's the familiarity of home...

here.

You're a car, you're a sitting-room,

you're a bedroom, you're a fridge,

you're a power station that charges

up my phone every night,

but most of all what you are,

what you've become -

is a mate.

And that is what makes

a car special.

That's what makes a car great.

You start to think of it

as a person.

You start to love it.

'What our cars deserved now was

a relaxing cruise to the finish.

'But that wasn't going to happen.'

Aaaagh! Aaaagh! No!

Whoa! Geez!

'The road was a rutted nightmare,

'and it was peppered

with sharp stones.

'It was a car killer.'

This is absolute

puncture alley, this.

Bloody Nora!

What the BLEEP was that?

Now, Jez has stopped at the side of

the road, hang on, something is up.

Jezza's been hit, I think,

probably by a stone into his window.

Stone in through your window?

Something has just blown up

in there.

What the BLEEP was it?

That... Is it an airbag?

The airbag has gone off.

Look, the smoke's still pouring

out of it. Is that the airbag?

Yes, the airbag just went off.

There was a massive flash...

That is really weird! My ear.

I was saying this road

is so rough it's going

to set the airbags off,

I said that just a few miles back.

Well, I have never seen that.

No, me neither.

Phwoar!

Now I'm worried about this one.

'By now we'd had enough

and wanted to stop for the night,

'but this was dusk on the Serengeti.

'Feeding time for the wildlife.

'So we had to reach a safe camp

that was 30 miles away -

'30 miles that

turned into a massacre.'

Oh, dear. Shot to bits.

Have you got any more fronts?

Yes, I've got one more.

That was new three minutes ago.

Three minutes later I've

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