Top Gear Page #3

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We've come into Jezza.

No, we haven't come into Jezza.

Even though we were

on an important mission,

I decided we should pull over

and have a look around.

Jezza church.

They've actually had a church

where they worship me.

Protect and serve?

I've never seen that and those close.

That doesn't make any sense at all.

My name is Jezza.

Your name is Jezza?

My name is Jezza.

What do you think of that?

You'll like this, James.

There is Jezza's back alley. Well found.

At this point, to demonstrate that

Hammond's car was too small,

James and I bought him a present.

Do you like it?

We like it, because it's really

the dralon. Yeah.

Because we know you like dralon

because you're from Birmingham.

And we know that you like

the peacock and cheetah blend

which gives an African and

yet Birmingham flavour. Yes.

And I've put it in my car

and we know it fits.

We know it fits, and mine.

It fits in both our cars.

Does it? Yes, it does.

Does it really? Yes.

Precisely into your car?

It's snug.

Snug.

Anyway, Hammond. There are plenty

of people here who can help you.

Good. Let's pop it in the back of my car.

OK, now, maybe I could...

I think he's started to dye his hair.

Do you?

Have a look. He's 45 and

there isn't a grey hair.

You know Paul McCartney? Yeah.

Have a look at that.

I think if I maybe...

Easy, yeah. That'll fit.

Yeah.

Erm...

Is it nearly in? Let's have a look.

Pretty close.

What you've got now is a big rear spoiler.

That's how it runs.

Right, I think it's time to

pull out of Jezza.

I just hope no-one sees me doing it.

'As we headed further West,

we discovered that rural Uganda

'is the world capital of the speed hump.'

God!

Ya-ya!

James is now regretting selecting the R.

If they get any bigger,

I've had it, if I'm honest.

'Annoyingly, though, the speed mountains

'didn't seem to worry the agri-yob.'

Easy. No problem, goodbye.

'But Jeremy and I suffered,

for mile after graunching mile.'

That's it, no more.

Apart from that one.

But that really was the absolute last one.

Whoa!

My God!

Relax.

Not yet.

'As night started to fall,

it was time to look for a hotel.'

'And Hammond thought we'd stand

a better chance of finding one

'if we switched to the side roads.'

'Which was a great idea'

Whoa!

Whoa!

I can't stop!

You idiot!

I can't stop it!

Well, I can't stop it, either!

I'm enjoying the sounds

of disaster behind me.

Hammond, there had better

be a really good hotel

at the end of this.

These buildings down here,

there'll be a very nice hotel.

One of those with a posh book in it.

So, in your mind, because

there's tea being grown,

there's a sort of plantation house

with a veranda and somebody saying,

"Would you like a gin sling?"

People in white linen suits with

hats on have to come to tea

plantations to test and buy tea

for supermarkets.

I've seen it on the television.

They will need hotels to stay in,

there will be one near the tea

plantation, if not in it.

Fact.

Hammond.

'What?'

If we're about to rejoin that main road,

I'm going to have to get out and

kill you very slowly, I'm afraid.

I believe that is what has happened, yeah.

Still, at least it's a lovely evening.

There you go. I told you there

would be a hotel, and there it is.

I don't see anybody coming out to

help with our luggage.

So, let's go and check in.

Jesus.

That is characterful, isn't it? No.

Have you heard of those boutique hotels?

Small, with a style all of their own?

You're getting that room.

This one's got a chair and a table.

I don't think you'd even notice

the smell after a while.

My God.

Hammond!

The next morning,

desperate to redeem himself,

Hammond called an emergency

breakfast meeting.

Let's just face reality here.

We're in Africa, and we're not in a

big, touristy bit of Africa, are we?

No.

All the hotels are going to be like

that or worse, and I've had an idea.

If you suggest camping,

there will be a live

and celebrated television death.

Your love affair with tenting...

No, I'm not camping.

It's not, I...

Let me finish. I haven't said tents.

We've all three got estate cars, yeah? Yes.

Why don't we sleep in the cars?

We can control it, it's ours,

they're dry, warm...

Just get in the car.

Actually, that's not a bad idea.

Get a sleeping bag, sleep in your car.

I could get a mattress that hasn't

got excrement all over it.

But seriously, you could get

a mattress in your car, easy.

I could easily get one.

I'm not sure about you.

Did you have that as an idea?

He sort of did, yeah.

Come on, it's like camping,

but it's not camping,

because there's no tents.

No, you're right, it's a good idea,

but don't do that, "Come on,"

as if we're supposed to go,

"Hammond, you're brilliant,

"you've redeemed yourself with quite

a good idea." He hasn't.

And this is where you've brought

me for breakfast.

No breakfast, then, obviously,

because Christ The King,

as it turns out, is shut.

Which means that Christ The King

hasn't risen yet.

That's the problem.

Right, come on. It's a plan,

it's stuff to do.

'We split up,

'and set about getting the stuff

we'd need to convert our cars.'

The best hotel room I ever stayed in

was in South Beach, in Miami,

and what I'm going to try and do

is replicate the decor there

in the back of my Beemer.

Morning. Morning.

Do you have any white cotton?

And it's got a cockerel on it.

Yeah, I'll have one of them

and the kettle. Thank you.

Nails? Yeah.

Deal.

There we go.

And this is half inch? Perfect.

That's quite a lot, isn't it?

That's more than I expected.

I didn't think it was this long,

I'll be honest.

Erm...

Sorry!

Yes.

This kind of size, for me. Small.

Standard size.

"5' 7" is enough.

"Well, 5' 7" and a half.

'With all our materials bought,

we set to work.'

This is epic!

'And then met up to reveal our creations.'

Gentlemen, behold the future of exploring.

I've given this some thought.

It'll be a mouse cage.

No. Look! Wow!

Let me talk you through it.

I'm just going to climb into

the sitting area at the back,

but it's not just a sitting area -

note the footwell for the feet.

Where the spare wheel was? Yeah.

Where's that now?

It's gone. There's a bin in here.

But you can't fail to notice the kitchen.

Burners, gas, taps,

running water, cold and cold.

Do these work? Yes, yes.

So you've got a gas bottle in here?

Yes.

OK. No, that's fine.

And a storage cupboard,

full of useful things for me.

Along here, everything

I need for cooking and eating.

And where do you sleep? There.

There's the bed. You see? Let me get out.

Leopardskin sheets.

We are in Africa.

Come and have a look, see.

You can go in by the side entrance.

Question.

Yes? Our gift.

Well, there wasn't room for it.

Actually, that is

now my upstairs sitting room.

Is it?

Well, let's move on to have a

look at May's car, shall we?

You will see a gentleman

explorer's quarters.

It's got a globe,

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