Top Gear Page #4

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it's got a telescope, it's got maps,

it's got music.

It's a library, James. Yeah.

Things you don't need when you're

looking for the source of the Nile.

Number one, library.

Well, if you look carefully, you'll

see some of the books are about

exploring, plus there's a selection

of English poets to read in bed.

Do any of the books contain the

exact location of the true source

of the Nile, in which case it's

a rather wasted exercise anyway?

No, but it's inspiration.

So there's a library in the front. Yes.

And I'm guessing, in the back,

some kind of dungeon.

Whoa! That's not a dungeon, is it?

It's a living quarters

combined with a workshop.

That's... I'm genuinely astonished.

Would you like me to run through

what's in there? Not really.

May I just sneak in, do you mind? Yes.

That doesn't look terribly comfortable.

It's been good enough for the Army

for several hundred years.

And this will just make you itch.

It's an itchy blanket. It's designed

to remind you how lucky you are.

So you can cook food for us, you can

mend mechanical things that go wrong.

Keep us going. What have you done?

What have I done? Yes.

You might want to come and have a look.

I should warn you, there are two

electronic things on this car.

The throttle, which is broken,

and the electronic boot release,

which is broken,

so I've fitted a manual replacement.

And there you are.

What I've done is I've filled it with

Egyptian cotton and duck down.

Erm...

Is that a coffin? Yeah.

Who knew a coffin was dual purpose?

But it is.

It could be used for bodies, or I've

used it as a chest of drawers.

Washing things, clean clothes,

dirty clothes and shoes.

Can I just say, it's all very nice,

but you haven't

considered your colleagues' needs.

Well, there are two features on this

car that you might be interested in.

In the front, gentlemen, we find

here, instead of a passenger seat...

So you have thought

of sustenance, a fridge.

That's good, that's good.

And it runs off the cigarette

lighter in the car.

That's a tradable commodity

you've got there.

It is, but something even more

useful than beer.

No, actually, no.

Nearly as useful as beer is

what I've fitted over here.

A shower.

And if we peel back the curtain...

It's a complete bathroom in there.

Yeah. So, you lower this window...

It lowers it automatically?

Hang on. Yes, it does, but...

It's not going.

There are three electrical components

on this car, as it turns out.

I get it. The window goes down, and

that lowers the bog seat,

is that right? Yes, exactly.

That's quite theatrical.

It doesn't work, but it's very...

Well, the battery's somehow gone flat.

I suspect the fridge is drawing

quite a lot of power. Mmm.

Can I have a jump? No.

'With the BMW re-energised,

we set off once more for the lakes.'

'So, here we are now,

Livingstone, Burton and Speke

'in full explorer mode.'

James, with those modifications,

will have added,

got to be getting on for a tonne,

which will have reduced his ground

clearance

from one inch to much less than one inch.

What an idiot.

I have made it quite heavy.

'Still, could be worse.'

I've uncovered one design

feature in here that I don't like.

The driver?

No. Every time I brake, my curtain closes.

Braking.

'Despite my terrible hardship,

we carried on,

'and soon we turned off the road

'where the speed humps were frequent...

'..and onto a road where

they were continuous.'

God!

Nice. Washboard gravel. My favourite.

'Once again,

though, the agri-yob was unfazed.'

More like it.

Finally, I get to do some Subaru-ing.

Woo-hoo!

Ha-ha-ha!

Because we were now off the beaten

track, we started to encounter

more animals, but sadly,

as we saw in Botswana,

the Top Gear cameramen do struggle

when they're not filming cars.

No, there!

Did you see that, Hammond? It was a monkey.

Did you get it?

Elephant!

What elephant?

Elephant on the right-hand

side of the road.

This is strangely familiar,

you telling me about animals that

you've just seen that I haven't.

Ha-ha-ha!

You evil sod!

That reminds me of a television programme.

James, can you think what that

television programme was?

Shut up, shut up!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Was it Richard Hammond coming to

you from a tent in the dark?

Was it that one?

Hammond, there was a little man,

and he kept saying,

"I've had an amazing day,

I've seen lots of animals,"

"but sadly, this is live

and it's dark now."

Shut up!

'Eventually, we arrived at Lake Edward.'

Whoa, that's a beautiful lake.

'So beautiful, in fact, we decided

to stop on its shoreline

'for a night in our new accommodation.'

Right, let's pitch the tents. Done.

Beer? It's already chilled.

That would be lovely. I'll put dinner on.

God! What?

My bed's gone out of alignment.

You've got problems. There we go.

What's your problem? Nothing.

No, what's your problem?

Nothing. I think the chair,

the fringe has just slightly...

What is your problem? Dear!

Is this every single thing?

I'm just going to tidy up.

It's Hammond's kitchen nightmare.

'We sat and watched the sun go down,

'looking forward to Heston Hammond's

delicious dinner.'

I'm enjoying the bean course. Yeah, good.

What's next? Beans.

Can you honestly not cook anything

other than beans? No.

What's that? Fly paper.

Do you still not like insects?

You know, they've got their place.

In the world, or something.

Is it in your car?

No.

'Then, it was time for bed.'

Nobody in the history of Africa has

ever been more comfortable than this.

I'm under a layer of duck down and

Egyptian cotton,

I'm watching Kristin Scott

Thomas in a film where

she's bound to do

lesbionics at some point.

I've had some beans.

This is just heaven.

What's for breakfast?

Beans.

'Today, our exploring would

begin in earnest,

'but first, we had to mend

Jeremy's car, again.'

What you need under here is an M8 screw,

and a home-made little clip made

out of tin, which I've got in there.

Easy.

'While I was doing this,

'Jeremy had time to develop

one of his theories.'

Gentlemen, this is a map, OK,

of what all these famous explorers

told the Victorian English was Africa.

Now, look at the Sahara Desert.

Which is really tough and difficult,

we've been there, it's horrible.

All done, every nook and cranny explored.

This is really tough.

Sudan, impossible.

Awful. All done.

But, here, in this pleasant

garden of Eden where we are now,

unexplored territories.

What was holding them up?

Here?

Yes.

It's not mountainous, every tree

has got food growing out of it.

It's a good point, when you think about it.

There's nothing here that would

stop you. Gentle wooded hills.

Temperature? Lovely.

Yet they kept coming out here and saying,

"Very difficult,

I must go out there for five years."

"I shall probably be lost."

It all stinks a bit, doesn't it? Yeah.

So let's just work it out.

England, go home.

"Would you like to go to Mrs

Simpson's piano recital"

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