Top Gear Page #5

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"this evening?"

Or they come out here,

dusky maidens, lovely temperature,

very pleasant views, great food, get a tan.

Write home, tell them it's awful.

Yes, exactly.

Send a letter. "Dear Mrs Hammond."

"It is with a heavy heart that

I write to say"

"we have not seen Richard for three years."

"He's in the vice-like grip of,

what's that name? Fever?"

"I'll put that in. Malaria, yeah."

Basically, our conclusion is that

Victorian explorers were just

a bunch of hoorays on a very long gap year.

Yes. Yes.

Is that right? Well-funded gap year here.

With all that cleared up,

we set off to do exploring.

Our task was to scour the

perimeter of Lake Edward to see

if any of the rivers we crossed were

flowing into it from the lake below.

If it turned out these lakes were joined,

we would head south to find the

true source of the River Nile.

Follow me. River this way, gentlemen.

Right, this is actual off-road,

and it's starting to rain.

That's more like it.

Feeling confident about your choices

of car now, chaps?

Are we moving, Hammond, or not?

Yes. The question is for how long,

and James, you've gone very quiet.

Yeah, yeah.

This car is just masterful.

Whoa!

'James's masterful Volvo was now

minus its protective skid plate.'

Dear.

Look, it's all under the car.

"They laboured for six long months

to cut off the plastic spoiler."

You do that, I'll go

and write to your loved ones.

Would you, would you?

Make it sound a bit better.

Put a lion in it, some fever.

Build it from there. Exactly.

'With the Volvo mostly mended,

we got back to exploring,

'and unlike the Victorian hoorays,

we decided not to shilly-shally.'

This is Top Gear exploring.

High-speed exploring!

This is good.

We will cover some ground.

'In the racing Volvo, though,

life was not so good.'

This is going to be bad.

I'm going to have to stop for a minute.

'Our colleague was in considerable pain.'

'So we left him behind.'

"Dear Mrs May."

"James has suffered a terrible

back injury wrestling a lion."

"He will be home, in maybe five

years. Please send money."

River, Hammond, river.

Hello, exploring to be done!

'We needed for it to be flowing north.'

I've got 68 degrees east.

Yeah.

It's no good to us.

Here we go. More exploring.

Yes, now I've got a siren.

It's going that way, east.

River.

That's the angle I want you to tell me.

East. It's no good.

'When Captain Backache caught up...'

Whoa!

'We still hadn't found a river

flowing in the right direction.'

I think this is our final bridge.

I think it's the last river.

We don't need to throw

a stick in that to see

which way it is flowing, do we?

Not really.

It is going that way.

Sort of southeast. Southeast? Yeah.

'Our theory about the two lakes being

connected was in tatters.

'Our expedition seemed to be at an end.

'So that night in camp,

the mood was despondent.

'But then, while poring over

the maps, I noticed something.'

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

Hammond! May! What? Come here,

come here, come here.

You see it says here, "source du

Nile"? Yes. Source of the Nile.

That is Joanna Lumley's, and that is

the furthest the water has to

fall down a very wiggly river yes? Yes.

This one is in Burundi,

this is the furthest the crow

flies from the exit of the Nile.

OK? Yes. Yes.

I believe they are both wrong. Right.

Where is the exit of the Nile?

Alexandria,

which you can see on this. There.

So their rivers flow through Lake Victoria

and then go there to another sea,

inland sea, effectively.

The Mediterranean isn't even

tidal, just like Lake Victoria.

The actual exit of the Nile is Gibraltar,

because that is where it goes into

the ocean. The ocean is here.

Their sources are both to

the west of Lake Victoria.

I see what you mean.

We are looking for a river

on the east side of Lake Victoria.

Do you see what I mean?

Because it is further...

It is further from Gibraltar.

And I have found it.

Gentleman, the actual source of

the Nile is around there.

Southeast of Lake Victoria.

That is as far from Gibraltar

as you can get. You follow a river

called the Grumeti, or it's a

tributary of the Grumeti,

which I have traced back.

I can't work out exactly where

it is but it is about here.

That is the furthest as the crow flies

and it is the furthest the water flows.

That is extremely good.

We are here, we have to get from where

we are on completely the wrong side

of Lake Victoria to the other side,

that is going through

Rwanda, Tanzania, to there.

It is such a long way. It is a long way.

It's worth it though, isn't it?

'The next morning,

'the Top Gear crew prepared for the

long journey that lay ahead.

'Hammond, meanwhile, cooked

breakfast.' Careless.

'And I fitted a new skid plate to

protect the underside of my Volvo.'

'Nobody is allowed to

use my car as a lavatory any more.'

You can hear my improvised

guard working there,

protecting my vital intercooler

from mud and sharp points.

To be honest it is

a bit of an improvisation,

it's not the thickest steel there is.

You have to work with what you've

got out in the bush.

I had a cold shower this morning,

my penis was like a press stud.

Again.

Out into the wilderness, in my

little mobile house. Hello, chaps.

Are you both stuck? 'Are you stuck, James?'

'I have gone into a bit of a soft

bit, are you stuck?'

I tell you what, let's find out.

Come on! Ha-ha-ha!

I've improved

the style of the Subaru no end!

I'm free as well. Ha-ha-ha!

Thank you, guys, that was a trap,

wasn't it? A bit, yes.

You evil sods.

We pointed our cars at the border

with Rwanda and set off on

a 600-mile journey to what we now

knew was the true source of the Nile.

I wonder if we are heading towards

that massive rain cloud.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

"Africa" by Toto.

As the miles rolled by, we started to

climb into the mountains.

Wow, this is very, very pretty, here.

'But, we couldn't really admire the

view, because the road was starting

'to be a bit of a test for two

of the 1,500 quid second-hand cars.'

My bash plate is earning its keep today.

Cock.

We are both in the same boat

here, James and I.

It is called the HMS Careful.

Meanwhile, far ahead,

my four-wheel-drive Subaru was

scampering along.

Come on, come on!

I am king of the forest.

Bloody hell, look at this one.

Come on, beemer! Come on!

How is it doing this?

Ooh...

Absolutely no chance.

'Annoyingly, I had to ask the

agri-yob to come back and help.'

What is the expression about pig

in... It's Hammond in mud?

Yeah, it'll pull out.

Give him a tug. I'm going to.

Did it hit you? Yes, it did What was that?

It was a huge chunk of

tree just bounced off...

And smashed my windscreen.

Has it? Yeah.

We probably should get a move on.

I will back it up.

James, get your tow rope out. Go, go, go.

'As I pulled James free...'

Yes! Bloody brilliant, Hammond.

'..Some locals arrived and Jeremy decided

'to give them a quick lecture on

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