Top Gear Page #6

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his theories of off-road driving.'

Now, I believe in speed. Power.

Power and speed solves many things.

Right... James, how far?

Middle of the puddle.

Speed and power!

Go faster! Speed and power doesn't

work. It was doing quite well.

To be honest,

I was surprised you got that far.

Do you think you could push it out?

Yeah. Yes? OK.

Which way...? I've got to get out of the way.

These guys are immensely strong.

Drive back, drive back. OK.

Good going!

There you go.

'Having freed Jeremy, the men

started to build him a new road.'

I wouldn't do that bare

feet, I can't watch.

I am assuming he has never got it wrong

because he still has an entire right foot.

OK. Three, two, one!

Yes! Well done, that

was amazing. Well done.

Thank you, guys, that is amazing.

'With my dues paid...'

Thank you, thank you.

'..We were back on our way.'

It is amazing, those guys actually

turned out to be Ugandan army.

Up here training. God, they are strong.

'We hoped that that would be

the last of the mud,

'but as the day went on it got even worse.'

No, I have no steering. No, no, no!

Go! Thank you.

It is beached.

Bloody hell.

Thank you. Hit it.

Cock.

We are just going to blow the clutches to pieces.

Going to have to pull it out.

Go on, go on, go on,

you son of a... Ha-ha-ha!

That was so damn close.

'And then, to add to the misery, I

discovered there had been treachery.'

How long has that been there?

Good grief! You must have...

Hammond, I know what your panto face

is. Hammond, where is that?

What are those really big things?

They could rip steel.

I know exactly where it is.

I have no idea and you will never

get it out of me. May!

Is that thing on the front

of your car made out of my door?

Is that my door? What?

It is from my door,

I know it is from my door.

You're not using that bit

and it was more useful on my car.

You didn't even notice. That's it,

that's it. Can you give me a tow? No!

As evening drew in,

conditions started to improve.

This is all feeling a bit Gorillas

In The Mist. It's a bit mystical.

It is kinda wonderful.

'Thanks to my door,

the Volvo had survived the ordeal.

'But in the BMW,

my throttle problem was even worse

'and my handbrake had broken.'

Hammond, keep moving, I can't stop, I can't

do hill starts any more. Keep going.

This has to be one of the toughest

days we have ever had on Top Gear.

There hasn't been a single moment

when one of us wasn't stuck.

No car is built to survive

conditions like this. None.

Not one.

'And there were still more

than 500 miles to go.'

'As dawn broke, the peace

and serenity of this beautiful

'Ugandan morning was shattered

by the bellow of a wild animal.'

CLARKSON!

Last night, while Hammond

and May were round the campfire

discussing Uganda, I made an

interesting modification to my car.

Yesterday, I discovered hill starts

were very difficult.

I can't ride the clutch because of

the throttle problem and I can't use

the handbrake because it's broken,

so what I've done is fitted

this log at the back.

You tow it along normally, but then

when you want to start on a hill,

you let the car roll back onto it,

use it as a wedge

and set off easily.

It's simple, it's elegant,

it's brilliant.

'As we set off on our long drive,

the mood was a little fractious.'

If I know James May at all,

and I'm sorry to have to say I do,

he won't be so cross about the theft

of part of his bonnet as

he will be about the shoddiness

of the execution of the theft.

It's not a neat job.

That will rankle.

Look at it!

I mean, that looks like

it was done

with a knife and fork

by the council.

It's not square, it's not neat,

he's wasted material,

he's left sharp edges,

it's all bent.

I cannot conceive of the mind

of a man who would look at that

and think that was

the right way to do it.

'I don't mind you taking a bit

of my bonnet, that's fair.

'I do mind you doing such

an appalling bloody job of it,

'you ham-fisted oaf!'

Honestly, I could do a better

job than that

with the end of a bulldozer!

Well, I... I couldn't find any tools.

'The back of the car is full

of bloody tools!

'The biggest tool in this

operation was you!'

A pair of tin snips looks

like a pair of robust scissors

and their function is obvious.

They are obviously not a hammer!

This could go on.

'Obviously not a screwdriver!

'They are obviously not a spanner!

They are obviously designed...'

There we go, that's got rid of him.

'Soon we came to an uphill stretch,

'so I decided to test

my new handbrake.'

Simply pop it off the back,

roll it out.

Watch this.

Roll back.

The wooden handbrake is holding me,

I simply set off.

Here we go.

Oh, yes! So there we are,

hill starting solved!

Sometimes my genius is...

It's almost frightening!

Well, fair dos, that works.

You do have to tow a log about,

but it works. I am a happy man today.

Chaps? Yes? Are we likely to see a

gorilla? I hope we do see a gorilla.

I'd show them my bonnet and say,

"Could you do a better job

than that?"

But look on the bright side, James,

it's going to be a scorcher today.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Did that...? Oh, dear!

The handbrake bounced up and has

broken my hotel viewing platform.

You've got glass in your duvet!

Stupidest idea in history!

Jeremy,

people walk around here barefoot.

You've got to sweep all this stuff.

We have.

But look - God gave us a tool

for just such a moment as this.

Would you not agree this is

the ideal tool, James, for this job?

Yes, hammers do have their uses.

I can think of one right now.

'After cleaning up my mess,

'we carried on through yet more

breathtaking countryside.'

Look at the state of that view.

Wait a minute.

Does the world get any

prettier than this?

'In fact the only blot

on the landscape was our hideous

'Ford Scorpio back-up car.'

I've just realised I forgot to eat

anything this morning. I'm starving.

Well, Hammond made me a lovely plate

of beans. Beans? What sort of beans?

Do you know, they were baked?!

'Soon, the dirt track gave way to

some perfect Chinese-built roads,

'a blessed relief

for our battered cars.

'And after a simple 50-mile cruise,

'we reached the border.'

Goodbye, Uganda, and thank you. That

was an education. And now, Rwanda.

I don't know anything about Rwanda.

'As it turned out,

James knew even less.'

James? What? Apparently they drive on

the other side of the road in Rwanda.

Do they really? James, really,

we're not fooling you! Yeah, yeah.

'Mercifully, there was more Chinese

tarmac, so we were able to surge

'through a country where,

actually, none of us

'had really known what to expect.'

In 1994, this country witnessed

the worst genocide

in the history of humankind.

A million people

died in around about three months.

A million people in three months!

With machetes and garden tools.

And that was only 18 years ago,

and now look.

It's incredible how quickly things,

on the surface at least...

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