Top Gear Page #7

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mend themselves.

Hello!

Hello! Hello, hello!

It's constant.

All the roads,

even out here in the sticks,

are just absolutely

three-deep in people,

and they all wave when you go by

and you have to wave back.

Hello! Hello! Hello, hello.

Hello. Hello.

Hello! Hello.

'After many more miles of waving,

smooth tarmac

'and stunning scenery...

'..we arrived on the other side of

Rwanda at its border with Tanzania.'

That was a long drive,

but we've done it - all of Rwanda.

Now for an interminably long wait.

'The paperwork did indeed

take an age,

'but, happily, Jeremy

and I found a way to pass the time.'

Funny! Ha-ha-ha!

'And then, finally,

we crossed over into Tanzania.'

Shall we make camp here, gentlemen?

It's been a long drive with a long

border crossing of 900 hours.

'Despite the calm

stillness of the evening,

'James plainly still had a bee

in his bonnet about his bonnet.'

This evening

I am going to need... these.

And I'm going to need these

and this.

And I'm going to need

these tin snips,

which are like scissors but much

stronger. I'm going to need those.

I'm going to need all these

things for this evening.

Right, I'm up to 18 million

pieces of glass.

Look in another fold, there you go -

18 million and two, three...

Why do they call this stuff

safety glass? I mean, it isn't!

Why can't it just

break into four pieces?

Why does it have to

break into 19 million pieces?

And it goes everywhere!

You could be in bed

and it's outside your house

and it goes in your pyjamas!

18 million and ten.

No.

No.

No.

Yes.

No.

Good morning, viewers.

I'm afraid things may have got

a little out of hand in camp

last night, but it's good news!

I found another piece of scrap metal

and I managed to mend my bonnet!

I'll admit, I was FURIOUS when James

stole my bonnet scoop, but then

on Jeremy's car, I found something

that does the job just as well.

I'm calling it the poop scoop.

I was a bit cross about losing

my lavatory, but then, staggeringly,

in the middle of a remote field

in Tanzania, I found

a rear window that fitted

into the back of my car!

I mean,

it looks like it's meant to be here!

It's uncanny!

'Unfortunately, the modifications to

Hammond's now half-timbered Subaru

'seem to have

impaired his visibility.'

Oh!

Oh, no!

Bad!

Anyway, we've woken up,

slightly thick heads.

We're all mates again,

which is just as well, because

we've got an extremely long day...

Oh.

That is a river. Yes, it is. Well,

there must be a bridge somewhere.

Why MUST there be a bridge? Well,

there must be! Well, there isn't!

Look! Well, there isn't one THERE,

but there'll be a bridge.

I know what.

It's time to deploy the ARU. What?

The ARU -

Aerial Reconnaissance Unit.

I knew this sort of thing would

happen. Where did that come from?

I've been working on it for

the last couple of weeks at home

for just such an eventuality.

Have you? Have you really?

Did you build it? Yeah. Really? Well,

you've got a helicopter license.

You fly it. Right.

I operate the camera underneath

that swivels about and you tell us

what it's seeing, James.

Right, are we ready?

Yes, I've got a picture.

Hammond? Yes... Begin!

Yes! There she goes!

There you go. That's good.

Right, that height is good.

Now head that way, down the river.

Point it down. You're not pointing

it at the river. Point it down.

Well, you'll need to point it down.

No, you fly level,

you point the camera down. Yeah.

Got it. River turns left...

That's good.

There's no bridge, though.

Keep going.

Pivot right a bit.

Swivel left, camera.

Oh, hang on a minute. What?

There's like a big weir thing.

It's not a weir, James!

That's the biggest waterfall

I've ever seen!

Right, that's relevant!

Right, good. No bridge.

'And it was the same story

when we looked upstream.'

Bring it back, Hammond.

'With the ARU back at base...

'..we had to work out how

we could cross this river

'that was full of killer waterfalls,

bilharzia and many teeth.'

Why don't we build... a car ferry?

What, with like a bar and everything?

No, no!

Like that thing we saw in Albania!

Like a raft? Why don't WE build one?

Look, I used to build them when I

was a kid! I fell in a lot, but...

Wood... What else do you need?

Rope. Oil drums.

You need to lash the rope together.

Maybe some nails and a hammer.

Probably a hammer, yeah.

Oil drums, oil drums underneath.

This sounds like the worst

management course ever!

You know those Outward Bound courses

where you've got a chicken and...

OK, then. Thanks to Hammond,

it's back to the studio.

All we need is a platform

big enough to take a car that

will take its weight and floats.

Then we pull it across on ropes

like the Albanian one.

We drove through a village,

did we not,

about... just behind those

banana trees?

Yes, but do you think

they sell rafts for cars?

They might sell car ferries. No,

but they've always got...

Don't want a banana, don't want

a headscarf, I'd like a car ferry.

"Oh, we've got one in the back, sir."

Look, I'm going to divide this up.

I'm going to find some rope. You go

and find some oil drums. You go...

I'll get some wood. And some wood.

Right, off you go. Have you got

the hammer and stake? Yeah.

Oh!

Your rope's come off!

You're getting nearer, James!

I'm not!

Oh.

Would you say you were nearer,

James? No.

'With HMS Wobbly in the water,

'Hammond and May decided that

my car should go first.'

Good. A tiny, tiny bit left.

Straight, that's good.

Hold on.

You need to go... Oh, BLEEP.

It's close. Tiny bit right.

OK, your back wheels are on.

I am now boarding our ferry.

That's good. 'As I inched forwards,

a hungry audience gathered.'

You'll feel when you're on

cos you'll hit the chock.

Two and a half feet. Feet?! Yeah.

Good, a bit more. You're just

about to... There you go, you're on!

Put it in gear and turn off.

These have got to come with us

for the other side.

'With the ramps on board,

we set off.'

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What did you just do? Cast off.

Are we now underway? Yes.

Pull on the rope. I am.

I'm Geoff Capes!

I am pulling a BMW 528i Touring

across a crocodile-infested river!

And the impressive thing is, you're

not making a fuss about it either.

No, I'm not showing off, but I am...

James, wait! James, James, James!

What? It doesn't make any

difference.

Stay at the back!

James, please stay at the back!

Stop being such an old woman -

it doesn't make any difference!

Oh, really? So that barrel's just

come back above the water again...

But it's not going to go

all the way down, is it?

I feel like an explorer now.

Right... So if I get on the bank

and James throws me a yellow rope...

Good idea.

Can you get on the bank from there?

These logs get really slippery! Yes.

Right, you're on the bank...

Good catch!

The throw wasn't brilliant.

I'll go to the back. Whey!

Well...

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