Topper Page #2

Why, you'll never grow

old, Mr. Topper. No?

I think you grow younger

every year.

I'd rather grow younger every

day. Anything special this morning?

No, but Mrs. Topper phoned me to be sure

that you go to lunch promptly at 12:00.

Did she tell you what I was to

eat? It's all right, I'll remember.

The directors are all waiting

in the board room. All of them?

All except Mr. Kerby.

He promised me faithfully-

He's not here. I phoned his

penthouse and their Long Island place.

Neither of them had been

home all night. I suppose not.

We'll probably have to get a detective

to... locate him the way we did last year.

If he should turn up, ask him please to

come in and sign the minutes at least.

My word! Fine place to sleep, isn't it?

Gentlemen, we will as usual

conduct our annual meeting...

without the presence of our

largest stockholder, Mr. Kerby.

Weather clear, track fast!

I made it!

The meeting will please

come to order.

Very gratifying to have you

with us, Mr. Kerby.

I will read the annual statement

that is ready for publication...

if approved by this board...

and you, Mr. Kerby.

Okay, shoot.

Shoot, huh? "Cash on hand

in federal reserve bank...

"and due from banks

and bankers:
$660,220,262...

"and 99 cents.

Bullion abroad and in transit:

$13,202,854 and no cents. "

- No cents.

- I just said that, Mr. Kerby.

So did I.

Yes. To continue.

"Acceptances:

$47,501,324and 36 cents.

"Less own acceptances held

for investments:

"$7,986,449 and 39 cents.

Which totals for

$39,514,874 and 97 cents. "

Just goes to sleep from going

to those wild parties.

Then you come here

to sleep.

Just hold the car, please. I'll

be back in a couple of days.

Get a load of

the fur-bearing blond.

Good morning, Mrs. Kerby.

Good morning.

If you're looking for your husband

- I know where he is.

In there dummying up

the directors' meeting.

But if you happen to see him looking for

someone, remind him that it's me, will you?

And tell him where I am.

Oh, my goodness. She's gone

into his private office.

"Lobbies and endorsements and

acceptances and foreign bills:

"$3,014,142

and no cents.

"Deposits:

"$1,709,643,127

and 39 cents.

"Liabilities and endorsements...

dddd

"and outstanding checks:

"35,166,883

and 36 cents.

dddd

"Total:

1,744,910,010 and 75 cents. "

dd The old oaken bucket dd

Yeah!

dd The iron-bound bucket dd

"Balance:

$2,086,978,810 and 17 cents. " dddd

Now, if you gentlemen will agree this

report is satisfactory for publication-

- It can't be done!

- I beg your pardon. I don't understand why.

Look, try it.

You try writing your name upside

down and backwards without stopping.

Here.

I move we adjourn.

I second the motion.

Aye.

Carried. Now, if you gentlemen will excuse

me, I have a great deal of business...

that I wish to attend to

at once.

Whew!

"Moss-covered bucket!"

"Write your name backwards.

It can't be done. "

No sense. George Kerby's a nitwit

if ever I saw one. Confound him.

Psst!

Don't "psst" at me.

Go ahead and "psst" at him.

I think it's cute. Why, I-I

didn't know you were here.

Oh, don't apologize.

If you're confounding George,

I think you're absolutely right.

But you only have to put up with him once a

year. Think of me. I have to live with him.

I like it so, but

- Please don't misunderstand. I like George.

I- I'm very fond of him.

And he's fond of you too.

In fact, we both are.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

No, please, no.

Uh, uh, that'll be all,

Miss Johnson.

You know, Topper, you were awfully silly

not to come to our anniversary party.

It was a swell one.

Laughter for days.

In fact, I think it's-

it might be still going on.

I bet it was fun, yeah.

But-But Mrs. -

Mrs. Topper... doesn't approve.

She- We had

another engagement.

You understand, don't you?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Why don't you stop being a mummy

for a few minutes and come to life?

There's nothing wrong in being a mummy

if you had any fun in getting that way-

But I- I didn't, you see.

No, I can tell that by the

way you're staring at my knees.

Why, I-I never stared

at a knee in my life.

That's probably just

what's wrong with you.

Of course, I... I suppose I do envy

the way you and George do things.

But it would never do for me,

for a man in my position.

Then as Mrs. Topper says-

Ah, as Mrs. Topper says.

That's the situation

and the box it came in.

Oh. Oh.

Hello, honey. Never mind. I

found her. She's running the bank.

Huh?

George, look.

What's the matter with him? He's old

enough to know what's the matter with him.

"Liabilities, no cents,

assets. "

Topper, I know just the thing

for the two of us. Where is it?

But something's biting the man, eating

him from the inside. Maybe termites.

What sort of a woman is Mrs.

Topper? Don't tell me. I'll guess.

Is she the horsey type? No.

The tennis type? No.

I know. She's the kin type.

Arranges your diets, fixes your clothes,

tells you what you'll eat and where you'll go.

Well, to a certain extent,

yes. Where do you keep it?

Keep what? The bottle. Don't

tell me there isn't a bottle here?

Of course there isn't a bottle.

This is a business office.

Business is all right, but don't you

think that's carrying business too far?

Come on. Let's roll.

I don't wanna leave Topper.

Somehow I feel if I could pull him

apart, I could put him together...

and he'd work much better.

Catch.

Topper, take my advice. Don't let

her make a guinea pig out of you.

You'll never be the same again.

So long.

Hmm. Mrs. Kerby's handkerchief.

Oh. Thank you.

I'm ready, Mr. Topper.

Hmm. Yes, yes.

H. Greg & Company, 80

Milk Street, Boston, Mass.

Dear sir. Yours is

the ninth received and-

Fascinating woman,

Marion Kerby, isn't she?

She reminds me of an Easter egg

I had as a small boy.

- An Easter egg?

- Mm-hmm.

Those frosty ones, you know, with a peephole

in it. You looked through and saw an angel.

I wonder why Marion Kerby

reminds me of an angel.

Uh, yes, where were we?

Maybe we'd better

start over.

The angel was a blond too.

You're driving us crazy way out here. I

mean, you're crazy to drive us way out here.

We could be at the apartment

sleeping our ears off.

The apartment's too close to

that bank. It's in the same city.

Why do you pick on the bank?

It doesn't pick on you.

That stuffed egg that runs it

does. Stuffed eggs, I love 'em.

You never know what's in 'em

till you take a bite.

Take a bite out of Topper for

me once and crack your teeth.

Why do you love him so? 'Cause he bores

me stiff. He's like a successful sheep.

Don't say that. Topper has very

interesting possibilities, maybe.

Well, so does a sheep. It can

be chopped or hash or soup.

Hash, Topper. That fits,

doesn't it, George?

Offhand, I'd say, what are you

talking about? Hash, Topper.

You know, all mixed up. All he needs

is straightening out, and I can do it.

Yes. The last time you tried straightening

a guy out, you cost me ten grand.

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