Topper Page #5

like it. Well, that's too bad.

Grab a look at

your little experiment now.

We're not really being

very fair to him.

I don't think he knows

how to drink.

But he only had

a couple glasses of wine.

But I don't think he's ever

had a drink in his life.

Poor Topper.

Poor Topper.

Poor Topper.

You keep out of this.

Say, George, you know something? What?

I think fate sent him to us. I think

we ought to send him right back.

Oh, no. He looks like our

last chance at a good deed.

That's how he looks to you.

Well, look at him.

His whole soul is crying out

for self-expression.

Is that so?

Is that the way a soul looks when

it's crying out for self-expression?

Maybe. Maybe Topper's soul. Anyway, all

he needs is a little encouragement from us.

If you really wanna do him a good deed, get

him some bromo while I go change my clothes.

Hold down the fort, honey,

while I dissolve into a suit.

George, where is it?

Huh? Where's what?

Where?

Where what?

The bromo, you know.

Well, then give him some.

Then he'll just have

to have aspirin instead.

Oh, never mind. Let it go.

I'll be down in a minute.

Hmm, it moved.

We're fresh out of bromo.

Then put on your bonnet. We'll go

down to the drugstore and get him some.

Come on, Topper. Mm-hmm.

Dear, dear. Marion, come and

hold him here while I get my hat.

All right.

Oh, George, quick!

Trying to get away, huh?

Come on, Topper. Don't

drop him or he'll splash.

Now, now, Toppy, relax,

relax. Take it easy.

There he goes again.

Upsa-daisy, Toppy.

Say, George. We can't go

down the lobby like this.

We'll cause a riot. Fade.

Okay.

Don't teeter, Topper.

For heaven's sake! What's

the matter with that man?

Why- Why-

Why doesn't he fall?

What's the idea

of stealing my elevator?

We haven't got

your elevator, silly.

Huh?

I never wear them.

What do you mean by insulting

a guest? Well, he was-

You're fired!

Thank you, Toppy.

I've got a beehive in my

stomach, but don't mention it.

There's the bud now. Ask him what

make she is. Yeah, she's a beaut.

So that's the babe you've been talking

about. She'd be a cinch to handle.

No gentlemen would talk about a lady

like that, and I demand an apology.

You gonna... apologize?

Ah, you're daffy.

Why, you!

Let's go, Marion!

Get in.

Hey, there's the little

creep now! Get him!

What's going on here?

One at a time.

One at a time!

Now, who hit who?

He hit us!

Oh, he hit us?

Yeah!

One man attacking the whole

gang? The other two helped him.

What other two? Where

are they? In there.

Now don't try to be funny!

You, what happened?

That's right, Officer. He started

it, then his two friends jumped in.

What two friends? Where

are they? They got in there.

Then the other two jumped out of the

car and started slugging me from behind!

Hold on now.

Wait a minute!

Now then, what other two?

Holy cats! They're gone!

All right, all right!

Now look, mister, maybe you

can tell me what happened.

Me?

Yeah.

I wanna sing.

This one wants to sing.

All right, Danny. Come on.

Let's take 'em all in.

Sit down there.

People v. Cosmo Topper.

Say, were you guys in the same

fight with him? I'll say we were.

Who is he? He's a big-shot

banker from Wall Street.

What'd he do? For no reason, he

hangs a haymaker on Eddie's kisser.

A charge of being drunk and disorderly,

attacking a peaceful citizen...

and inciting a riot.

I'll tidy you up a little.

Brush him off, George,

while I fix his hanky. Okay.

There are four serious-

Just a nervous eccentricity, Your Honor.

It sometimes gets the better of me.

There are four serious

charges here, Mr. Topper.

I presume you wish to plead not

guilty and tell your side of the story.

On the contrary, Your Honor, I wish

to plead guilty and get it over with.

Well, in that case, you leave me no

alternative except to fine you $100.

Why, that's outrageous!

- What's that?

I- I said,

where do you pay us?

I mean,

where do you pay it?

Right there. Next case.

But the dame, wow! A dame? What

did she look like? Who is she?

A burlesque queen or something.

Swell-lookin' doll, but plenty tough.

Next case.

All right, boys,

out of the way.

Is everything

all right, Wilkins?

I should say, sir, though it's not my

place, that everything is quite all wrong.

In fact, I might even go so far as to add

that you have become a legend before your time.

Has-Has Mrs. Topper

heard about last night?

Mrs. Topper, sir,

has read about last night.

It's four minutes past 8:00.

I know, I know. We dress now.

Good morning, dear.

Good morning, Cosmo.

I'm late.

Your egg, sir.

Oh.

Your toast, sir.

Well, I- I mean, go on.

Let's get it over.

Cosmo, I've been

a good wife to you.

I've helped you climb to

the top in the business world...

and I certainly

raised you socially.

I married you

for better or for worse.

And if you see fit to drag

yourself and me in the gutter-

Oh, Clara, please.

Of course, you realize we'll have to

face the world without any friends.

No one with any self-respect will

ever cross our threshold again.

And you had to pick

this particular time too.

Well, I- I don't understand

just what you mean...

about "this particular

time," Marion.

I had every good reason to

believe that the Stuyvesants...

were going to ask us

to their next big party.

The Stuyvesants.

Oh, of course.

Yes, I know you

- you wanted to be asked there for years.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Don't be sorry, Cosmo.

What's done is done.

And I will do my part...

to save what little I can from

the wreck you've made of our lives.

- 8:
42, sir.

- Oh. Oh, dear.

Yes, madam?

Is Mrs. Topper home?

Who shall I say is calling?

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Ruther-

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant? Oh.

Come in, madam.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant calling,

madam. Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant!

Oh, good gracious, Wilkins,

you must be mistaken.

No, madam. Shall I-

Oh, yes, of course.

Mrs. Rutherford-Stuyvesant.

Well, so you're Mrs. Topper.

I just dropped in to ask you and that

delicious husband of yours to come to dinner...

next Friday night

before our little dance.

Why, we- Why, I-

Oh, I do owe you an apology. I

should have called on you years ago,

but I didn't know whether you

would approve of our little crowd.

Approve? Oh, my dear.

Well, you see, I understood you

like to lead a quiet, simple life.

But after reading about Mr.

Topper's delightful escapade-

Mrs. Goodrich

and Mrs. Simpkins.

Well.

Hello, Grace.

I saw your car outside

and thought I'd just pop in.

We've been so anxious to meet you. I'm

sure we must have a great deal in common.

Thank you. I'm sure.

How do you do?

What a divine life our Mrs. Topper must

live. She must have a thrill a minute.

Living with Mr. Topper must

be like dancing on dynamite.

My goodness. That's not

a very good picture of him.

Well, bless my blond heart.

I never expected Mousy to break

out in this kind of a heat wave.

Could, uh,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes