Topper Page #7

and dance every night.

There's a wonderful orchestra

there. Oh, it'll be fun.

Swim and play

and dance every night, eh?

I bet it would-

What am I talking about?

I'm a married man. I can't

go gallivanting off with a-

Oh, Toppy,

you'll be fine.

Well, we won't go.

Look here, Marion, if you're

here I'm gonna be very angry.

In fact, I am angry now. I won't

have you upsetting me all the time.

Of course I'm here. You didn't

suppose I'd leave my Toppy, did you?

Be careful.

Here comes the bellboy.

Take this bag, will you?

Why are you staring at me like-like-

like something? I don't know.

Aren't you the guy

that cost me my last job?

Never saw you before

in my life.

Hey, did you notice something

funny about that guy?

That guy ain't funny.

He ain't even human.

Then I'll take charge

of this.

Call for Miss White, please.

Calling Miss White.

How do you do?

We have a nice room

on the third floor.

Third floor. That'll do very

nicely, thank you. Any floor.

Take this gentleman to

314. Yes, sir. This way.

Did you see what I saw?

Did I see what, Sherlock?

Nothin'.

Are you always this anxious

at getting a hotel room?

I have a reason for being anxious

to get into this room in a hurry.

Well, I have a reason to get

out of this room in a hurry.

Come on. Let me out. Go on.

Here.

Wait a minute.

Here. Here. Go on. Get

out. I wanna shut the door.

What's wrong with you?

Between you and that guy

in 314,

you'll excuse me

if I go nuts.

Marion. Marion, oh,

I do hope it isn't you.

What did you say? I can't

hear with this water running.

I said come out

from under my shower!

No use. I can't understand

a word you're saying.

Stop it, Marion.

We're being watched.

I wish you'd fly out a window

and leave me alone.

Oh, Marion, confound it.

Use your common sense.

I've already used

my common sense.

I've ordered cocktails.

And you'd better jump in the

shower and get yourself pretty.

I wouldn't change my tie

with you in the room.

Oh, Toppy, don't worry about me.

Get into your dinner clothes.

You're not dressed, are

you? Yes, I am dressed.

Well, get so

that I can see you,

so that I can

keep track of you.

How's this?

You didn't have this on

under the shower, did you?

No. But I just decided to

be dressed, and here I am.

Now you get dressed,

and hurry up. All right.

You sit here

where I can see you.

And what am I supposed

to do, twiddle my thumbs?

Mr. Topper home? Mr.

Topper's not at home, sir.

Are you sure?

Am I sure?

Why, certainly, I'm sure, sir.

Why shouldn't I be sure?

I just wondered. You look to me like

the kind of fellow who might not be sure.

Mr. Topper is not at home,

sir. That's what I said.

Wilkins, what is the matter?

Oh.

Mrs. Topper?

Mrs. Topper, where's that

mouse of a husband of yours?

Mouse? Shall I eject this person, madam?

Yes.

Well, no.

Uh, listen, smiley,

you stay out of this.

Mrs. Topper, I'm looking for

that goofy husband of yours.

I beg your pardon, sir, but I must

ask you to be a little more careful...

with your language

in front of Mrs. Topper.

Otherwise, I shall

put the slug on you.

No, no. Don't be athletic.

Where's your husband?

Where's your husband,

Mrs. Topper?

I don't know.

Mr. Topper's gone away.

Yes, well, that's just what

I thought. What do you mean?

Mrs. Topper,

I'm looking for my wife,

and I've got a certain sneaking

suspicion that if I find Topper,

I'm gonna find her too! You

mean she might be with Cosmo?

Yes, well, it's just possible.

Listen, have you got a slug of scotch?

'Cause I've got the jitters. I'm sorry, but

we've never had any stimulants in the house.

That's a fine thing. Why don't you have

a snort in the house for the poor man,

instead of lamb on Sunday, stew

on Monday, beef on Wednesday?

Why don't you go out dancing with him

occasionally? Then he wouldn't have left you.

I suppose you're right. Well,

it's too late now. Oh, dear.

Please go, sir. You're

breaking the madam's heart.

Yeah. Well, if I find

Topper, I'll break his neck.

And believe me, I'll find him! Oh!

He's very handsome, isn't he?

Mrs. Topper!

Get me an aspirin.

Why, of course.

Wilkins, I'm not supposed

to be the butler. You are.

So I am.

I'll get the aspirin myself.

Come in.

Marion, get out of here. Quick.

Someone's coming. That's right.

Come in.

What are you gaping at?

C- Can I hear you say

"Come in" again?

Don't be impertinent.

Put those things down there.

Well, hurry up. Hurry up. Oh, get out!

Can't you look where

I'm going? Yes, sir.

So what's eatin' you?

The next time I go to 314,

I'm not going.

314?

Yeah, the guy's spooky.

I just brought him four cocktails.

Four cocktails at one time?

For one guy? Well,

one guy and two voices.

What do you mean, two voices? Well,

first he goes way down low like this.

Then he talks way up high

like a dame. Talks way up-

Talks way up high like a dame? Well,

get downstairs and get the manager.

Get him up here right away.

He don't need a manager.

He needs a straitjacket.

Hurry up.

Well?

Don't scare me like that.

You know I'm a bundle of

nerves when I'm on duty.

You sent for me, Casey. Yes, and

I'm glad you finally got here.

Why? What's wrong?

Hey, you see, the guy-

Quiet.

I'm in charge here.

Don't you understand?

He's got a woman in there,

and she's not registered.

I'll attend to this.

- Shh! Who is it? - I'm the hotel manager.

Please open this door at once.

Vanish.

Shh.

I'm sorry, sir,

but I shall have to ask you...

and, uh, the lady

to give up your room.

The lady?

What lady?

What lady? Perhaps you can

explain the red on this cigarette.

Yes. I cut my tongue

when I was shaving this morning.

Hmm. Cut your tongue?

Mm-hmm.

Listen, don't try to kid us. There's

a woman in here. We heard her.

Mm-hmm.

She's gone.

Casey, you're a fool.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Topper, to

have caused you this embarrassment.

I- I hope you'll accept

my apology.

Oh, but think nothing of it. Promise

me you'll think nothing of it.

You have no idea how badly I should

feel if you didn't promise me...

you were going to think nothing

of it. Well, I am sorry. I-

I hope you'll accept

my humble apology.

Why, it's a deal.

I guess I'm sorry too.

Cuckoo!

Uh, m-me too. Get out

of here, you moron.

House detective, eh?

A fine hash

you've made of things.

Now don't tell me that

you hear two people laughing.

Another mistake like this

and you'll be fired.

Now, watch yourself.

Come on, Toppy.

I'm hungry.

Let's go down to dinner. On an empty

stomach? I want some more pink ladies.

I'll get you some more

pink ladies. Come on.

It's a good thing no one

saw us coming out of my room.

Why, Toppy,

I think we look lovely.

We're the best dressed

couple in this hallway.

Well, let's- let's pretend

we're not together.

dddd

Thank you, Toppy.

Mm-hmm.

You know, Marion,

you're positively beautiful.

Yes, I might almost say

you were gorgeous.

Mmm.

I will say it.

You are gorgeous.

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