Tormented Page #4

The two of you

are like bestest bosom buddies.

What are you going to do?

Ask her ever so politely

what the f*** she thinks she's playing at.

Are you coming, or what?

I... I can't, I've got prefect duty.

Oh, God bless you, Mary Poppins.

Sorry.

- God, she's really quiet, isn't she?

- Smells like she's having a poo.

She always smells like that 'cause she's

got her head so far up Justine's arse.

Now, now, Khalilah. We all know

Justine's sh*t doesn't stink, don't we?

No.

- I bet she's having a wank.

- Eugh, dirty cow.

Hey, Helena are you in

up to the wrist in there?

What do you want?

I want world peace.

I want Prada shoes

and I wanna know why you've been

texting us, you stupid geeky little b*tch.

- What are you talking about?

- You sending us texts.

- Why would I?

- Because you're a twisted dyke slut.

- How would I know?

- Why don't you grow up?

Ow! Ow!

Sophie.

Sorry, we're closed. You're just going

to have to cross those little legs.

Ow! No!

- That's mine!

- Look at this piece of sh*t.

- Must have come from the pound shop.

- Give it back.

It's not like you needed it anyway.

You only need a phone

if you've got friends to talk to.

Oh, and when was the last time

Justine called you, anyway?

'Where have you been? '

I've been looking for Helena.

What did you guys do to her?

Do to her?

Um...

Oh, yeah.

We just asked her if she would please

stop sending those nasty texts.

Yeah, it was kind of upsetting.

- What was Darren to you guys?

- Um... nothing.

Just Shrek.

Big, fat, ugly Shrek.

You really don't remember him?

I don't think so.

He was pretty hard to miss.

He was f***ing huge.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What about

last week in the common room

when the guys took his asthma thingy

and he was going,

"Ughh! I can't breathe!"

"I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

"I can't breathe!

I can't breathe, Justine!"

- I'm really glad we can be friends now.

- Me too.

We couldn't before, obviously, 'cause

Tasha said you were an ugly dyke,

but that's not true, is it?

You did surprise us with the Alexis thing.

Are you guys going to have sex tonight?

Sophie,

he's only coming round to watch a film.

Watch a film? He'll be wanting

to have a shag. Boys always do.

If you're nervous,

you could just give him a hand job.

Yeah, it can get really messy, can't it?

No, you're better off just having a shag.

Less cleaning up to do.

Oh, f***! I forgot my watch again.

OK, I would like to know

all the gory details tomorrow, please.

Good luck, you'll need it.

Thanks.

Hello.

Hi, I can see you.

Are you perving on me? Look,

I'm flattered that you're stalking me...

Mullet? What the f***?

- For you.

- Thank you.

Al, you're going to hate me

for bringing this up.

OK, so Jason Banks said

there's a website about Darren Mullet?

Yeah. Um...

The site was Bradley's idea.

It... it started out as a joke,

and it just got way out of hand.

Were you involved?

I try not to get mixed up in Bradley's sh*t

but you know what he's like. He...

The other night with the chainsaw?

- Already on the web.

- I don't want anyone to see that.

Yeah, how do you think I feel?

I'm screaming like a girl.

Yeah, where was my knight

in shining armour?

Yeah, OK.

It wasn't my finest hour

but if it happened for real

I'd protect you.

I promise.

At least we don't have to worry

about Bradley bursting in on us.

I'm just going to check

I locked the back door.

Hey.

So, did you find Bradley?

Hiding in the garden, was he?

I'm sorry.

I'm just a bit nervous.

Really?

Well, you don't need to be.

# Your lights in the tall grass

# Covered in coal

# I'm reaching for you

# Hoping to hold you

# I won't give up

No, I won't give up

# Not until I'm holding you

# I won't lie down, I won't lie down

# Not until I'm holding you... #

Are you OK?

- I had a really nice night.

- Me too.

I can usually

make it last longer than that.

Next time.

I'm joking.

- But seriously.

- No.

No, I was... I'm... I'm joking.

But seriously, I can.

It was good.

- I'll see you tomorrow.

- Bye.

So, er... did you seal the deal last night?

Might have done.

What did she smell like?

- Did she suck your cock?

- A gentleman doesn't go into details.

Well, I'll take that as a no, then.

Al.

- Head girl on heat alert.

- I had a really lovely time last night.

- You didn't bring me flowers, did you?

- No, was I supposed to?

No, somebody rearranged

the fridge magnets.

- Yeah, I was just fooling around.

- I think someone was in the house.

- Who?

- You didn't let someone in?

No. I wouldn't do that to you, Juss.

Are you two having a...

having a lovers' tiff?

- It was you, wasn't it?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, Bradley, you are so f***ing childish.

You better put a muzzle

on that b*tch of yours.

- What did you just say?

- Put a muzzle on that b*tch of yours.

Bradley, get off, mate. Get off him.

Get off him.

Off him!

Come on, let's get out of here.

F***!

I went to visit Naz in hospital

and I took my iPod 'cause I thought

he'd want to listen to some tunes.

And I realised he's like totally deaf.

Now he can't listen to Jodie Phister

or Crying While Wanking

or the Crotch Eating Bears.

He'll never hear any of them ever again.

Twenty mil. Semi counter sunk.

It's just the job.

- Is there a problem, Mr Humpage?

- I've brought the wrong screwdriver.

That's Philips. That's not.

Gordon. Gordon.

- Head down.

- Gordon!

Gordon.

- So, I hear congratulations are in order.

- Gordon!

Well, you popped the Pringle

for sexy Lexy last night, right?

He told you?

Well, he hasn't stopped talking about it

all morning.

Discipline, lads, discipline!

Gordon, I... I thought I'd give everybody

the last two periods off.

It might help to raise the school spirits

after these unfortunate events.

Yeah, right.

Boys, we've got a semifinal Saturday!

What are you doing?

You can't hit a barn door.

- Was it your first time?

- No.

Oh, my God, it was.

Oh, that's so cute.

So... so was it really magical?

Was it really worth waiting for?

Was it over really quickly?

'Cause it was when I did it with him.

Dirty little slut gave me crabs.

I had to shave the panty hamster.

He said he got them from Sophie,

but I think it was the other way round.

Have you seen her?

I've been texting her all day.

No.

Alexis, heel to toe! Come on.

All right, ladies, come on. No one is to

go into the water until I say so, all right?

Lads.

Saturday. Parkside, semifinal.

Big day. This is the ball.

Bradley, I want you to hit him.

Let him know you're there. Early doors.

Show him who's boss, OK?

Where's Marcus?

Mar... Marcus!

Marcus!

It's Shrek!

- It's Mullet! It's Mullet, it's Mullet!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Listen to me. Calm down, boy.

What's the matter with you?

Is this your... is this your idea of trying

to help the team? Team morale?

This is not good for the team, son.

Now, what I want you to do, I want you

to go and have a shower, get changed...

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