Touching The Void Page #6

We just started getting

ready to leave in the morning.

I did eventually collapse amidst the

rocks, and I didn't sleep very well.

My leg was very painful. It was agony.

It was the first night, I

think, it hadn't stormed.

It didn't snow on me, and it didn't

rain. And I could see the stars.

I can remember Iying on my back for

what seemed endless periods of time,

staring at the stars.

At one point I had this weird sensation

that I had been lain there, conscious,

for centuries, for lifetimes.

Becoming part of the rocks, and part

of where I was never gonna move from.

The sun came up, and

it started to warm me.

And I thought it'd be just so nice to

just lie there, don't move, and never hurt,

and christ, I got so,

so close to doing that.

I genuinely believed that I

wouldn't make the distance,

and I also believed

that I was going to die,

and I sort of acknowledged it

in a very matter-of-fact way.

And it seemed very rational

to keep on crawling,

if you didn't think it

was gonna be of any good.

I think that it was that loneliness,

that sense of being abandoned.

It was there all the time.

I didn't crawl, because

I thought I would survive,

I think I wanted to be

with somebody when I died.

Probably just a symbolic act to

say goodbye to him, in my own mind,

by doing that.

I drank liters and liters of it.

And it was just like putting fuel in,

I could feel myself immediately

just getting stronger.

I kept wetting myself.

And I can remember actually quite

liking the sensation, the warmth of it.

It was just a slow, steady reduction.

Not just physically.

Physically is very obvious,

but you, everything, yourself.

I felt left with nothing.

And I didn't care anymore.

Didn't have any dignity, you didn't care

whether you're brave or weak or anything.

You just became almost

nothing. It was strange.

I was still doing these test 20

minutes things, get here, get there.

And then I saw these footprints.

Then I got convinced, that

it was Simon and Richard.

They were up above me, and

they were just following on,

and I carried on crawling down,

utterly convinced that they

were wandering along behind me.

And I can remember thinking, "that is

really stupid, they would come and help you",

and I think I persuaded myself

that they were just following on,

because they didn't want to embarass me

'cause I peed myself and I was crying.

I don't know how long it

lasted, maybe about an hour.

I totally believed it, and then

suddenly it was like popping a bubble.

And then I realized that they weren't

there, and I felt utterly shattered.

It was about 4 o'clock

when I reached the lake.

And I that at the far end of

it, there was a meringue dam.

And from the top of that meringue dam,

I would be able to look down into

the valley where the base camp was.

In fact, I would be

able to see the tents.

This was the first time I thought it,

I thought, "I'm gonna make the distance,

I can actually make the distance".

Almost as soon I thought it, the next

thought that popped into my head was,

"Will there be anyone there?"

I thought, "Christ, this is the

fourth day since I saw Simon",

and as I worked it out, I thought,

"Why on earth would they be there?"

I knew it got dark at six, and thought

"I got to get there, I got to get there",

and I was trying to do

it as fast as possible.

The rest of that afternoon,

I was plagued by this dreadful

feeling that they would have gone.

I hadn't paid attention to what

was happening with the weather.

Between leaving at four and getting

to the top of the meringues, about six,

the weather had changed.

So when I looked down at the

valley, it was just full of clouds.

I listened intently, hoping to hear a

whistle or an answer, a cry back, something,

and I didn't hear anything at all.

and I spend a long time, sat

there, crying, not sure what to do.

I thought about getting

in my sleeping bag.

For some reason it just seemed a

bit of a pathetic way to end things,

just in a sleeping bag.

I thought, "Well, nice but just keep

going, you'll end it down there, somewhere".

I don't know entirely what

happened for the rest of that night.

I stopped looking at the watch, and

everything just started to go apart.

And I think I just got lost.

And I didn't know what

I was doing anymore.

I don't remember thinking of anyone,

anybody I loved or any of that.

I did have one time, when I got

a song going through my head.

And it was by a band called Boney M.

And I don't really like Boney M's music.

Brown girl in the ring,

there's a brown girl in the ring,

brown girl in the ring,

she looks like a sugar in a plum,

plum, plum!

Show me your motion,

come on show me your motion,

show me your motion,

And it just went on and

on and on, for hours.

I found it very upsetting, 'cause I

wanted to try and get it out of my head.

And I wanted to think of other things.

I was thinking, "Bloody hell,

I'm gonna die to Boney M".

I remember sometimes not waking up,

I think I was awake all the time,

but coming to, it was like waking up,

and sort of find myself sitting there,

I didn't know where I was.

It was pitch black and snowing, and

I'd think I was back on the glacier,

or I'd think I was in a public car

park, and had been beaten up again,

and then I'd just drift off again.

I remember smelling something.

It was a really strong smell.

And it acted like a smelling salt,

to cut through all this delerium.

And I remember being really confused,

I couldn't understand what it meant.

It took me ages to to try

and work out what it meant.

I thought it was me.

And very slowly, I worked

it out, and I thought,

"I've crawled through the

latrine area of our camp site".

And I realized then, that

I was close to the tents.

As I was shouting it, I thought, "This

is it, this is as far as this game goes".

I'm not capable of going any further.

I made the mistake of having a little

bit of hope, that they'd still be there.

And when I shouted,

and they weren't there,

I sort of knew I was dead then.

That moment, when no

one answered the call,

it was... I lost something.

I lost me.

I woke up, not knowing why.

And was aware of this

kind of strange atmosphere,

I could hear the wind

howling outside the tent.

And started hearing something.

It did slowly dawn on me,

that really the only thing it could be,

would be Joe outside shouting.

But that was completely

impossible, because he was dead,

and he died 3 or 4 days ago.

And then head it again, much sharper,

and it really sounded like

somebody shouting. Simon.

I can have gotten into a panic,

but first, it couldn't be Joe,

because Joe's dead.

And then, if he is out there,

it's gonna be this horrible thing,

it can't be a human being, because,

no human being can possibly go

through that, and be outside the tent.

I was just kind of Iying there,

really not knowing what to do.

And then Simon woke up.

"Simon!", it was quite

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