Tower Heist Page #6

apartment every morning for day care.

In 1971 I'm six!

How am I supposed to remember some sh*t?

Come on, Darnell,

Mrs. Saltzburg!

Heavy-set German woman,

short goatee.

Man, you call me Darnell one more

time, I will beat you to death.

You don't remember

Inch High, Private Eye?

Davey and Goliath?

Remember Witchiepoo?

H.R. Pufnstuf.

You got freaked out by her?

Remember that kid came over

and he stole my inhaler

and I couldn't breathe?

(GASPS)

I do remember you!

You the little seizure boy that was

having them seizures all the time!

No, I never had any seizures!

They were minor

spasms of the throat.

And I remember you would start

foaming up at the mouth

and your eyes would go crooked.

It was very scary!

There was no foaming.

That was you!

A lot of people have

asthma when they're kids.

It's not a big deal.

I outgrew it. No. Seizure Boy.

You'd be on the floor rolling all around.

You was having seizures!

Asthma doesn't cause

seizures, all right?

Oh, really? Then how come nobody

wanted to play with your ass?

Nobody wanted to

have naptime with you,

nobody wanted to do coloring

with you or nothing.

Because of your little seizures

and didn't nobody

want to catch that sh*t!

I'm gonna ask you

one more time, punk.

Why did you bail me out?

Because I have a job and I thought

that given your skill set

maybe you could help us out.

What kind of skill set is that?

Taking things that don't

necessarily belong to you.

Oh, little Seizure Boy want

to try to rob somebody, huh?

(CHUCKLING)

What you trying to steal?

$20 million.

Let's go get something to eat.

Hey, guys,

this is my friend Slide.

You kidding, right?

These ain't the guys you wanna

try to do this job with.

Yes, this is Charlie and

Dev'Reaux and Mr. Fitzhugh.

This is a joke, right?

This guy is

the big time criminal?

Hey, what you say?

All right, guys, take it easy.

He's totally qualified.

He's been arrested

a bunch of times,

he pays no income taxes, he's

got two Doberman pinschers.

So let's show him some respect.

So now we're like

The Doberman Gang?

Like the what?

It was a movie. They trained

Dobermans to knock off a bank.

Ls that the one where Gregory

Peck was attacked by those dogs?

No, that's Boys from Brazil

with the cloned Hitlers.

Oh, sh*t. You guys ever

seen Boys Don't Cry?

When Hilary Swank

plays that dude.

That scared the sh*t out of me.

Wait, Slide. Sit down and

talk with us for a second.

These guys ain't

got what it take.

I can look in

their eyes and see it.

First sign of trouble, they're

gonna be shitting in their pants.

They will not.

You don't know them.

You want me to prove it?

All right, listen up,

y'all got 15 minutes to go out

there and steal me something.

What do you mean?

You heard what I said.

In this mall, right now, each one of y'all

go out there and individually

steal $50 worth of merchandise,

come back and put it on the table.

Then we'll talk.

Okay, 50 bucks,

no problem. Come on.

Can I go with you, Josh?

No, you ain't going with

Josh, you go by yourself.

Everybody going by theirself.

Anybody can't

handle this, is out.

Okay. Guys,

we can do this.

It's just shoplifting.

You got 15 minutes, let's go.

And put your wallets on the table.

I don't want nobody cheating.

I don't want y'all to go buy

the sh*t and say you stole it.

All right, come on, let's go.

This is a part of our Sexy

Little Things collection.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

Love that. Yeah.

Would you like me to

ring that up for you?

No, I think I'll just

live with it a little first.

These are very

pretty Bella earrings.

They're from our

Timeless Collection.

Do you have any studs?

Yes, several.

Right here.

Do you have any hoops?

Sir, all of our earrings

are on this display.

Do you have a catalog?

Uh...

I might have one in the

back, let me check.

How do those feel?

They feel a little tight.

Do you have them in a half size up?

Yeah, let me check the back.

Hey, them two pairs of

drawers don't cost no $50.

JOSH:
$12 scented candle.

Okay, we'll get

to work tomorrow.

Wait a minute.

We all just proved ourselves.

How do we know you can

really pull this off?

You each stole

$50 worth of sh*t,

I stole $264 in cash.

Rule number one, never give

your wallet to a thief.

Later, b*tches.

What are we doing up here, man?

My balls are snow cones.

Can I get my jacket?

SLIDE:
Everybody

shut up, right now.

In a robbery,

things can change quickly.

It can go from hot to

cold, just like that.

You have to be ready to

adapt to the situation.

You have to be able

to think on your feet.

I was on a job a few days ago where

my homie got shot in the face.

He's kidding, right?

Get shot in the head,

it's over.

If you get shot in your head, it's over.

If you get shot in your face,

the bullet will go in your cheek,

then come out the other side.

Then what you gonna do, sissy?

Die. I'm gonna die.

I saw a television show once

about a guy who got shot in

the head with a nail gun.

He couldn't even remember

how to chew anymore.

He had to put

everything in a blender.

Yo, he couldn't

figure out how to chew,

but he could

operate a Cuisinart?

I don't think he

operated it himself.

All right, could we just focus, please?

It's 16 degrees!

That's right!

Let's focus!

Now, earlier today

I taught you all

how to pick a lock

with a bobby pin.

I want y'all to

practice on this door.

I've got bobby pins for all of y'all.

Here's your bobby pin.

This is your bobby pin.

Here's your bobby pin.

This is your punk-ass

bobby pin. Take it!

You unlock the door,

you won't freeze to death.

I'm gonna be inside

having sex with Rita.

Who's Rita?

JOSH:
To get in the building, we

have to avoid seven exterior cameras

and six doormen who work at two

entrance points in rotating shifts.

Once inside, we'll be faced

with four security officers,

who monitor a bank of

as well as two

floating security guards,

who vary

the patrol route each day.

If we make it

through all of that,

we still have to get

through this gauntlet

of employees to

get to the elevators.

Questions?

Yeah. Who's that

girl in the red dress?

She got the kind of titties

I like to play with.

That's Mary-Ann from sales.

She's a lesbian.

Okay, that's irrelevant.

Mary-Ann

is a lesbian?

She was married when

she sold me my unit.

She makes lesbian sex with Lynn

Rutherford from accounting.

Okay...

Lynn is a lesbian?

Wait, I'm lost.

How many lesbians total

do we have to avoid?

None. We're not

avoiding lesbians.

I don't avoid lesbians at all.

I seek lesbians out.

Lesbians got

the nicest titties.

Straight women, they have guys

pulling and yanking on them

and sweating on them.

Lesbians get touched

delicately by other lesbians.

It's nice.

Did anybody take in

what I just said?

Well, it seems like there's

a gauntlet of lesbians.

No. The...

All right,

I'm just gonna keep going.

JOSH:
1:27, NYPD makes third

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