Trading Places Page #2

There's nothing wrong with him,

I can prove it.

Of course there's

something wrong with him...

He's a Negro!

He's probably been stealing

since he could crawl.

Given the right

surroundings and encouragement,

I'll bet that that man could run

our company as well as Winthorpe.

Are we talking about a wager, Randolph?

I suppose you think Winthorpe...

say if he were to lose his job,

would resort

to holding up people on the streets.

No, I don't think that

would be enough for Winthorpe.

We'd have to heap a little more

misfortune on those narrow shoulders.

If he lost his job and his home

and his fiancee and his friends.

If he were somehow disgraced

and arrested by the police

and thrown in jail, even.

Yes, I'm sure he'd take to crime

like a fish to water.

You'd have to put him in the wrong

surroundings, with the worst sort of people.

I mean real scum, Randolph.

We've done it before.

This time it's in a good cause.

How much do you want to bet?

- The usual amount.

- Why not?

You're so brave, Louis.

Someone has to take a stand

against criminals.

But he could have killed you.

In such a situation, you have

no time to think - instinct takes over.

It's either kill or be killed.

Did Louis tell you what he did today?

Mr Louis kindly shared this afternoon's

excitement with me, Miss Penelope.

You're so hot tempered, darling.

I would have grovelled

and begged for mercy.

I want you Louis, now.

- Coleman.

- Sir?

We'll take our drinks in the living room,

by the fire.

- No dessert, sir?

- You have it.

Thank you, sir.

Hello.

Oh, hello Mr Duke, sir...

A what?

A scientific experiment.

Not at all, sir, no I...

It all sounds very...

...original.

Well, it's your house and I work for you.

I shall make the necessary arrangements.

And a very good night to you, sir.

What a scumbag.

Mumsie wants to have a party for us

right after New Year's.

January 2nd, is that good for you?

OK with me, hon. Darn nice of her too.

Oh, heck. 2nd January. Can't do it.

- Oh, Louis.

- It's the day the crop reports come out.

What do those stupid old crop reports

have to do with Mumsie's party?

It's the busiest time

of year in the office, sugarpuff.

It's just not fair. Why can't you

make them do it another day?

The Department Of Agriculture gets those

estimates from all over the country.

Pork bellies, soybeans,

frozen orange juice.

I'll just have to ask Todd to take me.

Now, wait just a minute. If you think

I'm going to let that playboy...

Just teasing you.

You know something, Witherspoon?

- What?

- We are going to make a great couple.

We're going to have a great life.

- Excuse me, sir.

- What is it?

Will you be needing me any more,

this evening, sir?

No, I think I have everything I want.

Good night, sir.

I had to keep him

under surveillance.

I had to make sure

he had his payroll before I made my move.

- Tell us how you cut him.

- With no knife.

- You told me you cut the dude.

- With these I cut him.

I am a chain belt in Kung Fu.

Bruce Lee was my teacher.

That's the "quart of blood" technique.

Do it, a quart of blood drops out of a body.

- Tell him how you beat on the cop.

- Cops, plural.

Beat the sh*t out of ten cops and had

to change my whole strategy around.

When they brought you in and booked you,

you was crying like a p*ssy.

- Yeah.

- The cops threw tear gas in my face.

I still walked in like a man,

so get outta my face.

You beating up a man,

putting him in hospital.

- How come I don't see marks on you?

- Yeah.

Cos I'm a karate man, all right.

Karate men bruise on the inside

They don't show their weaknesses.

You don't know that, motherf***er.

Now get off my back, all right.

I wish my b*tches would hurry up.

I ain't got time to be here.

Where is your b*tches,

Mr Big Time Pimp?

Yeah.

Didn't I tell you,

the phone in my limousine is busted

and I can't get in contact

with my b*tches.

Yeah, the phone in the limo had busted.

Are you ignorant?

- Look, sit down, all right.

- It ain't cool being no jive turkey

so close to Thanksgiving.

Hey, now...

You boys don't know what you're doing,

I can see that already.

Do you know who you're f***ing with?

Back the f*** up, back up.

D'you know who you're f***ing with

in cell number four on the ninth floor.

- Billy Ray Valentine?

- Yes.

Move it.

- You made bail.

- I did?

May I suggest using a night stick, officer?

Get outta here.

Mr Valentine.

Could you spare us a moment?

- Don't I know you two guys?

- Step inside, nice and warm in here.

- Whisky, all you want.

- I ain't falling for the same trick twice.

You'd get me in the car,

and have me arrested for stealing it.

Why should we do that, Mr Valentine?

We're the ones who bailed you out.

Who are y'all? What y'all want?

We want to help you. My brother and I

run a privately funded programme,

to rehabilitate

culturally disadvantaged people.

We'd like to supply you

with a home of your own, a car,

a generous bank account,

and employment with our company.

We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

- $80,000?

- Mmm.

Excuse me.

This is a practical joke, right, brother?

Then these dudes

are a couple of faggots, huh?

What's my next move, man?

Thank you, you've been helpful.

- What about the payroll?

- We've had the charges dropped.

You're a free man, Valentine.

We can stop right now

and you can walk out on us forever.

No, I believe I can hang out

with you fellas for a while.

- Excellent.

- I'm Randolph Duke.

How you doing Randy, what's happening?

- My younger brother, Mortimer.

- Hey Morty! What it is.

Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Randy, that's like Randy Jackson

from the Jackson Five, right?

- Yes, I suppose so.

- Yeah.

Here we are, William.

How you doing?

Hey, Randy, Morty. This is nice, I like this.

- William...

- Billy Ray.

William, this is Coleman.

He'll look after your day-to-day needs.

- Can I relieve you of those?

- You get a glass, I'll give you a sip.

- Perhaps, your coat, sir?

- Yes, this is my coat.

Coleman is here to take care of you.

He is your servant.

- May I?

- Get out of here.

Valentine very badly wants to take a hot

bath and get into something comfortable.

Don't you, Valentine?

Jacuzzi, sir?

I knew you was faggots.

You ain't Jacuzzying nobody.

It's a whirlpool bath sir.

I think you'll enjoy it.

Bubbles, man!

Say, when I was growing up,

we want a Jacuzzi,

we had to fart in the tub. This is bad!

- What's he doing in there?

- He's singing, sir.

They're very musical people, aren't they?

- What shall I do with his clothes?

- Send them to the laundry.

He'll need them to wear back to the ghetto,

after I've won our bet.

- Well, what do you think?

- I like it, Randy, very nice.

I like the way you have the mirror and stuff.

- I don't think he understands.

- Morty, I do understand.

- William, this is your home.

- Right.

- It belongs to you.

- Yeah, I like my home. It's very nice.

- I have nice taste in houses.

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