Trading Places Page #3

- Everything here is yours.

- This is my stuff?

- Your own property.

- My own personal sh*t.

- You understand?

Yeah, I like that.

You know what I like most?

The curtains, it's beautiful the way

I've set this place up.

This is something else.

I like it. The cabinets.

Beautiful. I suppose

you'll give me this TV set for free?

- That's right.

- Everything here is mine?

- I guess the stereo's mine too?

- Absolutely.

This is too much.

I could really dig this. You know why?

This happens to me every week.

This is your house.

These are your personal possessions.

You will only be stealing from yourself.

Look, first you throw my ass in jail.

Then you run me some garbage

about how this is my house, this is my rug

and this is my personal slave too.

I understand how you feel

but the fact remains, all this is yours.

You may do with it whatever you wish.

This is my stuff.

I can do what I want with it, right?

This is my vase, Billy Ray's vase?

I can play Harlem Globetrotters

sh*t with it, like Meadow Lark Lemon?

- Hey man, I'm sorry about that.

- Perfectly all right, it was your vase.

That was a fake, right?

I think we paid $35,000 for it.

But, I seem to remember we estimated

its value at $50,000 for the insurance.

You see, Mortimer? William

has already made us a profit of $15,000.

You want me to break something else?

No.

Excuse me.

I hope we're not pushing it, using Mr

Beeks for this, as well as the crop report.

We are involved in a very important

scientific experiment, Mortimer

and Mr Beeks has always proven reliable.

Excuse me... Sorry.

Hello, Todd. Gents.

Gentlemen. There is something rotten

in the Heritage Club.

Something that has

never raised its vile head

in the 208 years of the club's history.

There is a thief,

and he's sitting here among us.

Not an ordinary thief like the man

Winthorpe had the guts

to stand up to yesterday.

No, this man is a hundred times lower.

I'd like to introduce Mr Beeks

of Lyndhurst Security.

Thank you. I'd like

to ask you gentlemen to all stand up.

I'd like to ask you to place

your left hand on the shoulder

of the man to your left.

I would now ask you

to place your right hand in the coat pocket

of the member to your right.

And empty the contents

of those pockets onto the table.

Thank you.

You may sit.

We marked three $50 bills with red X's.

Less than ten minutes ago

those bills were stolen

from a coat in the cloakroom.

One of our operatives witnessed the theft.

Now, wait a minute. I've never seen

this money before in my life.

Randolph, Mortimer, this is outrageous.

I haven't done anything wrong.

Oh, Winthorpe.

I'm glad your parents

are not alive to see this.

Wait, this is preposterous.

This is insane.

I have no reason to steal. I'm not a thief.

I demand a fair hearing.

At least grant me that.

You realise you're making

a grave mistake.

Boy, are you two going to be sorry.

You know who I am?

Yeah, Winthorpe Louis III.

I'm permitted two calls,

point me to the phone.

- Take off your clothes.

- Wait, I know my rights.

Take off your clothes.

You are making a career decision here.

Now, you'd better think about it.

Because you'll have to live with it

for the rest of your life.

Strip, before I tear you a new a**hole.

Did you hear what this man said?

Now, I have witnesses.

This man is physically threatening me.

Winthorpe...

Louis the third.

All right. One gold watch.

One alligator skin wallet.

Master Charge,

American Express... Gold Card.

Visa, Diner's Club, Carte Blanche.

Two tickets...

- "La Bo-heem"

- "La Boheme" - it's an opera.

It's an opera.

- One cellophane bag.

- I've never seen that before in my life.

That's PCP - phencyclidine.

Angel dust.

You ever seen

what this stuff does to kids?

You're looking

at three to five, mandatory... Louis.

What's happening, Terry?

Gimme a bottle of your best champagne.

You've got a nerve,

showing your face here after all this time.

Look, man, I got your money.

I got your poor... measly... $27...

with interest.

Billy Ray, honey. Is that you?

Who do you think it is?

Terence, get the lady some champagne.

In fact, champagne for everybody,

courtesy of Billy Ray Valentine.

A toast to Billy Ray?

I'm very sexy.

People will say, "Billy Ray, you're sexy,"

and not understand my sexuality.

I know.

You was in the tank last night,

braggin' on your limousine.

You're the motherf***er

I was gonna carve.

Yeah.

Motherf***er?

Moi?

That's my limousine outside,

why don't you take a look at it?

Right outside?

Yeah.

You took care of him, baby.

I was gonna kick his ass,

but I'm a peaceful man.

Ladies, it's time for me to get home.

But if any of you ladies want

to drop by my house for cocktails,

there's plenty of room in my limousine.

Come on, everybody.

- You're looking so fine, Billy Ray.

- Thank you very much.

If you're gonna vomit,

the bathroom's downstairs.

No, downstairs, man.

Sh*t!

Hey! Hey!

That's a Persian rug. It's from Persia.

What is this sh*t here?

Hold up! Hey, who's been

putting out their Kools on my floor?

Who has been putting out

their Kools on my floor?

Have you people ever heard of coasters?

Would you like me to prepare some

more hors d'oeuvres for the guests, sir?

F*** them.

Coleman, there was more people

in this room before, where 'd they go?

I believe some of them

have adjourned upstairs, sir.

To my bedroom?

I'm waiting for you, Billy Ray.

Put your clothes on

and get out.

Yeah, that's my girl, over there.

Can I have everybody's attention please?

Get the f*** out!

Good night, sir.

Good night, madam.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you.

It was a stone groove, my man.

You are the most righteous...

Get the f*** out, man.

Let's go, come on.

Hurry up.

And be quiet out there.

My neighbours are asleep, they work too.

Well, your...

Your friends seemed to enjoy it,

I thought it was a great success.

They weren't friends. They're a bunch of

freeloaders, treating my house like a zoo.

Why don't you retire, sir? I'll straighten up.

You've got a big day tomorrow.

Yeah, yeah, I think I will...

...retire.

Good night, Coleman. Thanks, man.

Good night, sir.

Let's go, Winthorpe.

- Excuse me.

- I'll see you later, we'll have lunch.

How would you like

to make a fast hundred?

I just got out.

Are you trying to entrap me right here?

You guys must be getting desperate.

Is that your purse?

Yes.

That's a nice purse.

Thank you.

Darling, I'm so glad to see you.

Louis, you're making a scene.

The good news is I'm innocent.

I've never done anything resembling this.

Louis, you look awful. I'm so ashamed.

Those clothes and those shoes and...

you've been fighting, and you smell.

I smell?

Penelope, do you realise

where I've been since yesterday?

They beat me up and stole my clothes.

Those men wanted to have sex with me.

- Can we discuss this somewhere else?

- They tried to bend me over this...

If this place is indicative

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