Trading Places Page #5

You sleep on the couch.

It's hit rock bottom. Come on, let's buy.

Buy 200 May belly contracts at 66.8.

- Put them on my personal account.

- That's a big mistake, man.

- Valentine, this is very important, watch.

- You're going to get reamed on this one.

Why shouldn't we buy now, William?

Price is going to keep going down.

Randolph, this isn't

Monopoly money we're playing with.

This is Randolph Duke.

Hold that belly over a moment.

Tell me why you think

the price of pork bellies is going down.

- It's Christmas time. Everybody's uptight.

- Could we please buy now?

- If you want to lose money go ahead.

- What are you trying to say?

OK, pork belly prices

have been dropping all morning.

So everybody's waiting for them

to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap.

The people with

pork belly contracts are thinking,

"Hey, we're losing all our money

and Christmas is coming.

"I won't be able to buy my

son the GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip.

"And my wife won't make love to me

cos I ain't got no money."

They're panicking, screaming, "Sell, sell."

They don't want to lose all their money.

They are panicking right now. I can feel it.

Look at them.

He's right, Mortimer, my God, look at it.

I'd wait till you get to 64, then buy.

You'll have cleared out

all the suckers by then.

Do you realise how much money

he just saved us?

Money isn't everything, Randolph.

Advise our clients

interested in bellies to buy at 64.

Mr Valentine has set the price.

Well done, William.

Very well done.

Come on, Randolph, we're gonna be late.

Yo...

Mortimer dropped his money clip.

- You can count it, it's all there.

- Thank you.

- It's all there, count it.

- I'm sure it is. Keep up the good work.

All right, Randy.

Nice try, Mortimer.

That was great, that was really great.

...and she stepped on the ball.

Oh my God, I don't believe it.

- Ah, there you are.

- I think I'm going to be sick.

Don't worry, I'll handle this, Pookums.

Todd, Harry, Andrew, Philip.

I realise this looks completely awful

but I just wanted to assure you,

my friends, that I am completely innocent.

I'm going to fight this.

Someone is out to get me and I know who.

The important thing is

that I can rely on you,

my friends, as character witnesses.

I'm going to be defending myself

and I wondered

if you could see your way clear

to perhaps advance me

a small loan until the hearing.

Frankly, Winthorpe,

and I think I speak for all of us,

I think it shows incredibly bad taste

for you to embarrass us like this.

I believe I'm still a member of this club.

Nobody wants to buy your drugs, Louis.

Why don't you just go away?

Burnt my fingers, man.

I beg your pardon.

Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.

Hot? Do you mean to imply, stolen?

- I'll give you 50 bucks for it.

- 50 bucks!

No, no, no. This is a Rochefoucauld, the

thinnest water-resistant watch in the world.

Singularly unique, sculptured in design,

hand-crafted in Switzerland

and water-resistant to three atmospheres.

This is the sports watch of the '80s.

$6,955 retail.

Got a receipt?

Look, it tells time simultaneously

in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London,

Paris, Rome and Gstaad.

In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

Just give me the money.

How much for the gun?

So, this snail is standing

in front of the Cadillac salesman, see,

and says,

"How much is that Cadillac?"

The snail says,

"I want a big 'S' put on each door

"and on top of the car, I want a big 'S'

so everybody can see it."

Salesman says, "Why do you want that?"

He says, "When I drive down the avenue...

"I want everybody to say

'Look at that S-car-go."'

"Look at the S-car-go."

I'm considering going long on April wheat.

What do you think, Valentine?

I can think of three good reasons

why you shouldn't do that, judge.

One, the Russian wheat harvest isn't going

to be as bad as people think... and two...

...and three, judging by

the jewels around your girlfriend's neck,

I think you're going to need every penny

just to keep her happy.

That's it, you're staying in bed.

That man has moved into my house.

He's stolen my job. I have to do something.

Stay here.

It's ten o'clock - here's Johnny.

Listen, baby, I'm sorry.

My momma just came in from outta town.

Can we do it next week?

Flowers for me?

Thanks.

- What are you doing?

- You've got company.

Business is business.

I'll go for a walk.

- Fresh air will do me good.

- Lay down.

I'm sorry you had to cancel

your appointment.

What are you doing?

Ophelia, I can't tell you

how good that feels.

You've been so kind to me.

I'm just protecting my investment.

That's all.

Shut up and go to sleep.

99 and a half. You're not

getting out of bed until it's normal.

I feel fine and I've

inconvenienced you enough.

You have work to do and so do I.

Nobody works on Christmas Eve.

I'm going shopping

and then I'll make you a nice quiet dinner.

Now, read your paper.

Christmas! I'll give him a Christmas

present he'll never forget.

Ah William, where've you been?

The party's already begun.

I have some work to finish.

It's Christmas Eve

and William wants to keep working.

I'll think of you in Stockholm,

when I accept the Nobel Prize.

The wager has two parts - something

about a second party turning to crime.

Didn't you say you had work to do?

Yes sir. I was wondering about this

$10,000 cheque to Mr Clarence Beeks.

I'll take care of it, Valentine.

I don't recall a Clarence Beeks, Mr Duke.

It was before you joined us, Valentine.

We did manage to stay in business

for 47 years before your arrival.

Have a drink, William.

Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Mr Duke.

- What?

- Merry Christmas.

- Oh, oh, Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

Just what do you think you're doing?

Randolph, Mortimer, come in here quickly,

I've finally caught him.

- Who are you?

- I've caught him red-handed.

Winthorpe, is that you?

I'm making a citizen's arrest.

This man is a drug dealer.

Look, his office drawer,

he's got all the bad drugs here.

Marijuana joints, pills, Quaaludes,

Valium, yellow ones, red ones,

cocaine grinder, drug needles.

He's the pusher, not me.

I just came in

and caught him planting this stuff.

It's obviously

some primitive attempt to frame me.

Frame you? Boy, if that

isn't the pot calling the kettle black.

This man's obviously a lunatic.

I'm calling security.

Put that phone down.

Hello, security...

Merry Christmas.

You tried to rob me,

plant drugs on me.

You steal my house, my car, my job.

I ought to kill him now.

Look, this is a big misunderstanding.

I don't know nothing about it.

Could you put the gun away?

Put that gun away at once, Winthorpe.

Have you lost your mind?

Freeze, slime ball.

I realise this whole experience

must have been rather unsettling for you.

Winthorpe, don't leave. We can explain.

Yeah, you'll be sorry.

You'll all be very, very sorry.

Poor, deluded creature.

We caught him pilfering at our club,

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