Tragedy Girls

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[Up-tempo music plays]

Ahhh

[Timber Timbre's "Until

the Night is Over" plays]

[Music intensifies]

There is a house

in New Orleans

Where you woke from a coma

and they bit your cheek

And they cleaned you out

when you went to sleep

Oh, I just wanna

change your mind

Yes, I saw it

as the house caught fire

[Clatter]

Did you hear that?

Well, I don't hear anything.

Shut your f***ing mouth.

I definitely heard something.

And it's comin' over me

in waves

[Instrumental music plays]

I ain't no doctor, baby,

I ain't no doctor's son

[Metal scrapes]

But I'll cool your fever

You should go check it out.

Till the doctor comes

Um, no, let's go.

I have a bad feeling.

Come on. It's probably nothing.

What are you talking about?

How could that be nothing?

Why are you being such

a little b*tch about this?

[Crickets chirping]

- What?

- I'm sorry. [Chuckles]

I just heard

you were a f***ing man.

[Soft, dramatic music plays]

[Car door closes]

Anything?

Uh... no.

F*** this.

[Screams]

[Gasping]

[Grunts]

[Thud]

[Up-tempo dramatic music

plays]

Aah!

- It worked! [Chuckles]

- [Chuckles]

[Moans]

- Quick, do it while he's down.

- Yeah.

- [Taser crackling]

- [Whimpering]

Huh? It's not working.

- F***ing Amazon.

- [Moans]

[Taser crackling]

Aaaah!

I think he barely

even feels it.

[Sighs] I got this.

[Slam]

[Mid-tempo music plays]

[Dramatic music plays]

Ugh.

[Moans]

- Do you want to cry for help?

- Go ahead, we'll wait.

- Uh...

- Where's his I. D.?

[Moans]

Lowell Orson Lehmann?

- Lehmann.

- Good name for the news.

Age 42, 6'6",

235 pounds.

- Ooh.

- You realize this expires

in, like, a month, right?

You b*tches made the stupidest

mistake of your lives.

Ah! It speaks?

I'm gonna cut your insides out.

[Laughs]

[Laugh]

[Moans]

I'm gonna skull-f***

your severed heads

while your parents watch!

[Laughter]

You don't know

what I'm capable of.

What? [Laughs]

Of course we know.

We're your biggest fans, dude!

Seen everything

you've ever done.

Well, everything we know about.

We're pretty sure it's four.

- Since last May, is that right?

- Five, plus Craig.

Totes. You know, you can

follow us, if you want.

It's @TragedyGirls.

That's two, plural.

- See this?

- [Moans]

You wouldn't believe

how relieved we were

when you started

knocking off freshies.

This town can be,

like, so boring.

It took us a while

to figure out, but we did.

How many weeks apart

before he strikes again?

You really have a thing

for girls with short hair.

Fortunately for everyone,

I look great in a pixie cut.

She does.

All it took was a few boys

to set the trap.

Do you know how many handjobs

this girl had to give?

Like 30.

But you finally showed.

And you didn't disappoint.

We are gonna have

so much fun together.

[Breathing heavily]

[Chuckles]

[Smack]

Oh!

- [Taser crackles]

- Aaah!

[Gurgling]

You smell that?

That's your f***ing

skin burning!

Make no mistake

who's in charge, b*tch.

We're on the same side,

you know.

We want the same things.

We just don't know everything.

- That's where you come in.

- We need a trainer.

A teacher. Yoda.

Now, McKayla here... she wasn't

really sold on the idea.

Hmm. I had to be convinced.

Luckily, I understand

the importance

of a close student-teacher

relationship.

And I bet you

are dying to impart

a little of your experience

on a few ambitious

up-and-comers.

Am I right?

[Laughing]

- Gross.

- Hey!

Bad Lowell! No!

[Snaps fingers]

- No!

- We'll see how you feel

after a few days

to think it over.

[Moaning]

What the sh*t?

You've got to be kidding me.

You couldn't even

do that right?

Craig, bae.

[Moaning]

- Ambulance.

- [Giggles]

They're on their way.

Just hang in there.

[Moans]

[Whimpering]

[Continues whimpering]

You're back down to four.

[Cults' "Always Forever" plays]

You and me always forever

[Grunts]

We could stay alone

together

Do you ever do this?

The whole "industrial lye

to melt the body" thing?

We stole it

from "Breaking Bad,"

but it totally works.

Yeah, it took a lot

of stray cats and dogs

to get this mixture down.

[Tool squishing body]

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Past his bedtime.

- [Singsong voice] On it!

Stay the f*** away from me!

Oh!

[Shouting indistinctly]

You know you've got me

in your pocket

You know

- She's got my vote.

- Really?

- Just joking, b*tch.

- Hey, guys! Who's left?

Hey!

Oh, they just cut

Rusty and Tina,

so we're rooting

for Lucy and J.T.

- How was prom planning?

- Really great.

Sadie and I have

some really good ideas.

Well, it's your senior year.

Enjoy it!

I'll try.

But I've got

a big day tomorrow, so bye.

- Good night, sweetie!

- Night, baby!

[Door opens, closes]

- Sorry I'm late.

- All good, kiddo.

Thanks for the leftovers.

- No problem.

- Did you take the truck out?

Yeah. Grocery run.

And, yes, I filled the tank.

- [Cellphone dings]

- [Laughs] That's my girl.

- Night, pop.

- Night, kid.

Hey! Have you seen

the cat lately?

Nope. Sorry.

Weird.

[Up-tempo rock 'n' roll

plays]

We were gonna hang out, but

then he just stopped texting.

Did you guys, like,

hear from him?

It's been, like,

a really long time.

- Because he was such a good guy.

- I know, right?

I really hope nothing bad

happened to him.

It's like... poof...

he vanished, right?

I'm so scared right now.

Death is just an inevitable

part of life, you know?

Yeah, we have to,

like, treasure

the time we have or whatever.

It's, like, anybody

could be next, even you.

You can find more information

about the recent

unsolved murders

on our Tragedy Girls

Twitter page.

You know, if you want.

I can walk it off

- [Laughs] I know, right?

- [Laughs]

Okay, quiet down, everyone.

Quiet.

Okay, before we get started,

I think that we need to address

the elephant in the room.

Craig is a model citizen

of this school.

And if you need anyone

to talk to, I'm here.

Okay?

[Knock on door]

Oh.

[Door opens]

[Clears throat]

I'm gonna leave you

with the sheriff.

Mrs. Kent.

Now, I know there's been

a lot of speculation

as to what happened.

And at this time,

we firmly believe

Craig has run away from home.

No!

I mean...

how do you know?

I'm not at liberty to say.

So, there's no suspicion

of foul play?

What about the recent string

of deaths in the tri-town area?

Okay, girls, could we just

give it a rest, please?

No, it's okay, Charlotte.

There's no need to panic,

but if anyone has further

information about Craig,

do not hesitate to come forward

so we can bring him home safe.

Really?

There's nothing else

you want to warn us about?

No, Jordan.

Not at this time.

Mrs. Kent.

[Sighs]

Thanks, Sheriff.

I know how easy it is

to spread rumors

when you're in high school,

but can we please try

and be respectful?

That goes for everyone.

[Whimsical music plays]

The sheriff's office

is in full-on denial.

But are they telling

the full truth?

- How was that?

- Eh, I could go again.

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