Trail of the Pink Panther Page #6

and smoke it,

you conniving Cantonese!

Who the hell

is Professor Auguste Balls?

Inspector Clouseau's

official disguise maker.

- What's a picaroon?

- A cheat.

- That's great.

- Being called a cheat?

Some of my best friends

are picaroons.

I'm sorry I broke in.

That's okay.

Keeps me in practice.

Can I get you

a cup of tea or something?

- No, thanks.

- I could use an aspirin.

I telephoned before,

and I really thought

you'd gone to visit

your grandmother in Miami.

Miami Beach.

She runs a bingo parlor.

She's a real picaroon!

I thought maybe I'd find something.

- Like what?

- Like this.

Oh, that.

Do you know who these people are?

His parents.

- Are they still alive?

- His father is.

He lives in

the Chteau Clouseau Lamarque.

He's a winemaker.

Swine rabbit.

My Chardonnay.

My Beaujolais.

He wants to try.

What are you doing?

It's good.

It doesn't taste the same

since we lost Fifi.

My missing grape Fifi.

Could you tell me something

about your son?

No. After 4:
00...

I can't tell you anything

about my son.

Why not after 4:
00?

Because after tasting

the wine all day,

after 4:
00,

I can't remember my son,

let alone tell you

anything about him.

It is a miracle

that I remember it is after 4:00.

That felt good.

- Are you all right?

- Of course I am.

I was just checking

that Nanna vacuumed the rug.

Speaking of Nanna...

Fetch Nanna.

Nanna has been with me

61 years.

She was Jacques' nurse.

- Oh, really?

- What?

I said, "really."

I know that.

Because you said Nanna

was your son's nurse.

Mademoiselle, you don't

have to repeat what I said.

I know what I said.

Fortunately, I am not too old

to have lost my memory yet.

Knock wood.

Come in!

What am I laughing about?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

Nanna approaches.

A droite, dog.

- Sant!

- Sant.

How she loves that dog.

Regardez, dog.

My son Jacques Clouseau

was born September 8, 1920.

He had his mother's eyes

and his father's kidneys.

From the very beginning,

Jacques wanted to be a policeman.

He had many setbacks...

...but he was always resourceful.

He was 18

when he entered the university

and fell in love.

The girl of his dreams

married another.

Jacques decided

that life was not worth living.

To whom it may concern...

I find life

no longer worth living.

Fortunately...

...there was a power failure.

Swine lights.

When the Germans invaded France,

Jacques joined the underground.

Swine plunger.

After the war,

he joined the police force,

and the rest is history.

Thank you, Monsieur Clouseau.

It's been most interesting.

- It has?

- Yes.

It helps to round out my tribute.

What do you mean?

Your tribute doesn't need rounding.

You have a great-looking tribute.

- He's alive, you know.

- How do you know that?

He has his mother's eyes

but his father's fortitude.

- I thought it was his kidneys.

- That, too.

A man with such fortitude

and kidneys

must be alive someplace.

- I hope so.

- I knew that.

And so, after leaving

that delightful old man,

who is so firmly convinced

that his famous son is still alive,

I began to wonder...

is it possible?

Mafia boss Bruno Langois

seems to think it is.

Sir Charles Litton feels

that such men are indispensable

and therefore indestructible.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus

is so obsessed with the possibility

that he's on the verge

of another nervous breakdown.

Did Inspector Clouseau

really perish in the sea as reported,

or, for reasons as yet unknown,

is he out there someplace

plotting his next move,

waiting to reveal himself

when the time is right?

I am reluctant

to believe that misfortune

has really struck down

such a great man.

Swine seagull.

We must find that woman.

Here's the report.

I will apprehend this culprit

within 24 hours.

Now we are getting somewhere.

You...

That's a priceless Steinway!

Not anymore.

Inspector Clouseau's residence.

- Clouseau?

- One moment, please.

For you.

He is Sir Charles Phantom,

the notorious Litton.

- The Phantom.

- One and the same.

My greedy little yellow pimp.

There is something that I am

very interested to know.

This room looks very...

Back to town!

Follow that car!

Does your dog bite?

Nice doggy.

I thought you said

your dog did not bite.

That is not my dog.

Excuse me. Do you know the way

to the Palace Hotel?

Yes.

Special delivery.

A bomb.

Were you expecting one?

A bomb?!

You fool!

You raving Orient idiot!

There is a time

and a place for everything, Cato!

And this is it.

And another thing!

I was known as the Pavlova

of the parallels.

Yes, it's all coming back now.

I remember it.

That felt good.

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