Trainwreck

EXT. GARAGE - DUSK

FLASHBACK:
AMY and KIM, ages nine and five, sitting on thehood of the car. Kim holds a doll. GORDON is in front of

them.

GORDON:

Girls, your mother and I are

getting divorced. Don’t cry. I know

you’re upset. I know you’re

confused. I don’t know what you’re

mother told you, but let me explain

it from my side in terms you can

understand. You got your doll,

right? You got your doll there.

KIM:

Yeah.

GORDON:

You like your doll, right? You love

your doll.

KIM:

Yeah.

GORDON:

You love the doll. But what if I

told you that was the only doll you

were allowed to play with the rest

of your life? How would you feel?

KIM:

Sad.

GORDON:

You’d feel sad of course because

there’s a lot of other dolls on

your shelf. And if you play with

the other dolls you can’t have that

doll anymore. Even though that doll

doesn’t really want to play with

you at this point. You’re both

living a lie. There’s other dolls

you like and they’re making new

dolls every year. You want a

stewardess doll?

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

What about a slightly overweight

cocktail waitress doll?

2.

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

What about a doll who happens to bebest friends with your main doll?

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

It could happen, right?

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

What about a doll you only playwith one day and never see again?

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

What about if your friend’s playingwith a doll and needs you to kindof man up with the other doll? Youdon’t even want to play with thatdoll, but you do it because yourfriend’s playing with that doll andyou don’t want to sit there andleave the other doll unattended.

AMY & KIM

Yeah.

GORDON:

So that’s why me and Mom aregetting divorced. Monogamy isn’trealistic.

AMY AND KIM:

(chanting)

Monogamy isn’t realistic.

GORDON:

Again.

AMY & KIM

Monogamy isn’t realistic.

GORDON:

Again.

3.

SUPER:
23 YEARS LATER

INT. OLI’S HOUSE - NIGHT

One bedroom. Shitty “Scarface” poster on the wall. Pieced

together furniture. Dirty fish tank. BOD body spray. AMY andOLI (handsome 30’s) are kissing hard and drunk.

AMY:

I never do this. This is so weird

for me.

Amy pulls out a variety of condoms from a little wallet. Olistrips down.

AMY (CONT’D)

I really like these ones. Oh no.

Sh*t. That’s your dick?

OLI:

Uh huh.

AMY:

Too big. Your dick doesn’t end. Why

doesn’t your dick end? Have you

ever f***ed someone before? Where

is she buried? That looks like the

whole cast of Game of Thrones.

OLI:

Come here.

They kiss on the bed.

AMY:

You know what? I’m like really shy,

so we should probably do this firsttill I feel comfortable with you.

OLI:

Kind of a warm up, I know. You

taste like mango.

AMY:

Just stop talking, ok? Just do the

alphabet. Hang up at the top.

Everything important’s up at the

top.

She is close. It seems like it is going to be very climactic.

She comes. It is quick and short, and then she passes outcold and lightly snores.

4.

OLI:

Amy? Hey, I think it’s my turn.

She continues to snore. Oli rolls over to sleep.

Amy smiles. She is awake.

AMY (V.O.)

Hey guys, I’m Amy. Don’t judge mefuckers. I’m just a sexual girl. I

am fine. I am in control.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Short shots of different guys leaving her apartment.

AMY (V.O.)

This is clearly not my first rodeo.

The key is to never ever let themsleep over.

ONE-NIGHT STAND GUY 1

I got a couple tix for The Black

Keys. Friday night.

AMY:

Ooh, bye.

A different guy at the door.

AMY (CONT’D)

Alright, goodnight.

Another one-night stand stands at her door.

AMY (CONT’D)

Bye, goodnight.

He turns back and shrugs.

ONE-NIGHT STAND GUY 4

I guess I do love p*ssy.

EXT. ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

Amy is leaning against a dumpster kissing a GUY.

AMY (V.O.)

Look I have a great job and myapartment’s sick.

(MORE)

5.

AMY (V.O.) (CONT'D)

And my friends and family areawesome, and I’m sort of seeingsomeone. This dude’s not him.

EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - NIGHT

Amy and STEVEN leave the movies holding hands.

AMY (V.O.)

This guy is who I’m seeing. Kindof. He’s hot right? He’s great, butit is like f***ing an ice

sculpture.

INT. OLI’S HOUSE - DAY

Amy wakes up hung over. She does not know where she is.

AMY (V.O.)

OK so I broke the sleepover rule.

Where am I? Scarface poster, ugh.

Please don’t be a dorm room, pleasedon’t be a dorm room.

OLI:

There she is, buenos dias, baby. Oh

my god you look like an angel.

AMY:

What time is it?

OLI:

Like seven thirty in the morning. Ididn’t know if I should let yousleep or make you breakfast. Ichose breakfast.

AMY:

Where am I?

OLI:

Oh, you’re in Staten Island, sugar.

AMY:

Fuckkkkkkk!

EXT. STATEN ISLAND SIDEWALK - DAY

Amy in her gold tube top, mini skirt and high heels, lightsher one hitter as she heads to the ferry.

6.

EXT. STATEN ISLAND FERRY - DAY

Amy stands outside like Rose from “Titanic” on the front ofthe Ferry, joint hanging out of her mouth.

“TRAINWRECK”

EXT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Amy walks past NOAM, a homeless man.

NOAM:

Oh Amy there she is, my Princess.

What happened, did church let outearly?

AMY:

Ha ha.

NOAM:

Hey Amy, where you going, this

isn’t Planned Parenthood?

INT. S’NUFF MAG BUILDING - DAY

Amy rushes into a cool looking office building. Busy excitingfeel to it. Cool looking people.

Amy sits at her desk. NIKKI, is in the cubicle next to hers.

NIKKI:

Oh my god, shut up. You have totell me everything about lastnight. I saw your instagram. That

guy, is like so hot. He looks kindof like a white Drake.

AMY:

Ew, he was like a Puerto Rican

Gollum, I’m not talking about it.

Do you have to pee?

NIKKI:

Yeah, totally.

INT. BATHROOM - DAY

Amy and Nikki sit in stalls side by side but the camera stays

outside the whole time, so all we can see is their feet.

7.

AMY:

Did you hear Johnny Depp is coming

into the office today?

NIKKI:

Oh yeah, I’m all over that.

AMY:

Which version of Johnny Depp would

you most like to have sex with?

Like which one does it for you themost, because I can’t stop thinkingabout it.

NIKKI:

For me, it’s Pirates of the

Caribbean. I love a fully made up,

long haired, almost femininelooking Johnny Depp.

AMY:

Not almost, he looks like a

beautiful woman in that movie.

NIKKI:

Yeah. Who would be yours?

AMY:

I’m thinking an Edward ScissorhandsJohnny Depp.

NIKKI:

You would get totally cut up.

AMY:

Yeah, but he’d feel so bad about

it. He’d be like I’ll never leave

you. And I would get a sickhaircut. Also, Willy Wonka, bring

it on.

NIKKI:

Totally, I would f*** the sh*t out

of Willy Wonka.

INT. S’NUFF - DAY

A conference room with old S’nuff Mag covers with headlines

like, “Do You Come Weird?” and “Beer and Gadgets.” They take

their seats. The room is mostly men, including SCHULTZ andBRYSON.

Their boss, DIANNA (a goddess) enters.

8.

DIANNA:

Ok, my babes, I want your

undivided. I’ve been looking atyour pitches and these are mythoughts. Nikki, why are you

smiling?

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