Trainwreck Page #2

NIKKI:

I’m not smiling, I’m just very

nervous.

DIANNA:

Stop smiling. That’s even more.

Nikki.

NIKKI:

The more nervous I get the more Ismile.

DIANNA:

Stop smiling. Stop it. Stop it. I’msick of your ginger nonsense. Idon’t want to see those nashers.

No, stop it.

DONALD, a young looking intern, puts a green tea down infront of Dianna.

DIANNA (CONT’D)

What’s this?

BRYSON:

That’s our new intern. Donald. I

thought we were getting a chick buthe’s here.

DIANNA:

Welcome Donald. Welcome to S’Nuff.

Where we are teaching the strong-

willed male how to think, dress,

eat, f***. Do you like this

magazine Donald?

DONALD:

Oh yeah, it’s pretty much all Iread.

DIANNA:

Good answer. Look. This is ours. We

made this. What’s our demographic?

ENTIRE STAFF:

Everyfuckingone.

9.

DIANNA:

Thank you, you can go now.

DONALD:

Thank you, it’s a big opportunity.

DIANNA:

Right, pitch me. Pitch me hard.

Schultz?

SCHULTZ:

I was thinking something called theS’Nuff Guide to Beating Off at

Work. Where to do it? How to do it?

How not to get caught?

DIANNA:

How to get caught?

SCHULTZ:

Makes it more fun. Already startedthe research.

DIANNA:

Bryson?

BRYSON:

I got one. You’re Not Gay, She’sBoring.

DIANNA:

Fantastic. I can see it.

BRYSON:

Thank you. I have another to pitch.

Maybe a cover, I don’t know? YouCall Those Tits?

DIANNA:

That’s good.

BRYSON:

And then, like a where are they nowpiece to the kids Michael Jacksongave settlements to.

DIANNA:

Good. That’s good, yeah.

AMY:

I want to know.

10.

SCHULTZ:

I play ice hockey with one of ‘em.

I’ll get an email.

DIANNA:

Right, assignments. Schultz. You’recovering the Ryan Phillippe piece.

SCHULTZ:

Yes! “Crash” was epic.

AMY:

I was thinking I would take a stabat the Phillippe piece.

DIANNA:

No, Ryan is in a major funk rightnow. He’ll respond much better to amale figure who isn’t attractive ormasculine.

SCHULTZ:

Blam! That’s me right here.

DIANNA:

Bryson, I’ve got a red mark by your

name, why is that?

BRYSON:

I am pitching Dr. Aaron Conners. Heworks with some of the Knicks. He’s

this incredible, young sportsphysician on the rise. He justcreated this revolutionary kneeinsert that cuts recovery time inhalf. He’s about to perform it onAmar’e Stoudemire. It’ll be the

first time it’s ever been done on a

pro athlete. If we get this we’llhave access to the biggest names insports. Lebron, Durant, Blake

Griffin.

DONALD:

I’ve heard of that guy. He fixedD’Brickashaw Ferguson’s knee?

SCHULTZ:

Yeah and Metta World Peace’s. Thabo

Sefolosha owes his entire career to

that guy.

AMY:

(to Nikki) Are these real names?

11.

DIANNA:

What’s that Amy, I want yourthoughts.

AMY:

I’m sorry, I just don’t know why wetreat these athletes like heroes

just cause they can skate fast orkick a ball into a net. I justthink it’s weird. No offense, but I

just think that sports are stupidand anyone who likes them is just alesser person. And has a smallintellect.

DIANNA:

Killer. I want you to write thepiece.

AMY:

What?

BRYSON:

What?

AMY:

Oh no. I literally can’t stomach

sports.

DIANNA:

I know. Your opposition isperfection.

AMY:

I think this feels like a Brysonarticle.

BRYSON:

This feels like a me article. I

pitched it.

DIANNA:

Yeah, you pitched it. I’m giving itto Amy. What’re you saying? Are you

giving me attitude here? This isn’ta f***ing medical journal.

BRYSON:

I can do opposition. I can do sexy.

DIANNA:

I want that. I want that hatred.

I’m giving it to Amy. Don’t sulk at

me.

12.

BRYSON:

I’m not sulking.

DIANNA:

This is my decision. I’m giving itto Amy.

BRYSON:

I can do sexy though.

DIANNA:

Sorry?

BRYSON:

Nothing, I’m fine. I’m having fun.

DIANNA:

Nikki, I want you to research

whether garlic makes semen tasteany different.

NIKKI:

Oh, um, how am I supposed to get..

DIANNA:

Thank you. You inspire me.

SCHULTZ:

(to Nikki)

It tastes the same.

Everybody starts to leave.

DIANNA:

Amy! I’m not trying to punish you.

Does it feel a little like I am?

AMY:

No, no I appreciate..

DIANNA:

I know you want to branch out andcover more. And you do know I amlooking for a new executive editor,

don’t you?

AMY:

Yes I do know that. And I’m veryinterested. I’d love to be

considered. Especially because mydad’s house is not selling and mysister and I had to put him intoassisted living. You would think itwas the Waldorf it’s so expensive.

13.

DIANNA:

Is this your one woman show, rightnow, cause I ain’t got a ticket.

Just eviscerate the piece. I’mgiving you an assignment.

Donald rushes in.

DIANNA (CONT’D)

And Amy would you to teach this(Donald) about this (office).

Dianna uses her fingers to signal. Amy looks at Donald. He isexcited. Dianna exits.

DONALD:

So does she have a foreign accentor is she just awesome?

Amy gives him an annoyed look.

AMY:

Don’t talk to me for two weeks.

EXT. GORDON’S HOME - DAY

GORDON’S small house in the suburbs of Queens. Amy’s sisterKIM is carrying boxes and bags to the curb. Realtor sign onthe lawn. Kim and Amy walk toward the garage as they talk.

AMY (V.O.)

That’s my sister Kim. She’s cute,

right? Well back off, she’s totallymarried as f***. We’re moving our

dad out today. He needs 24 hourcare in his fifties, so he has to

live with all these elderly people.

KIM:

That stuff’s Goodwill, that stuff’s

ebay and this stuff up here is

trash.

AMY:

This stuff’s ebay?

KIM:

Yeah.

AMY:

I wanna go through this.

14.

KIM:

Don’t go through it, that’s stuffwe can make money off of.

AMY:

Why are they here?

TOM and ALLISTER play in the yard.

KIM:

They’re picking me up.

ALLISTER:

Mother look we got a croquet set.

KIM:

Great job, sweet pea.

AMY:

He calls you mother? That’s creepy.

KIM:

Yeah, it’s his choice.

AMY:

Let him call you stepmother. It’s

more accurate.

KIM:

I raised that child.

Allister runs in.

ALLISTER:

Mom I found a glove.

AMY:

Hey buddy, how you doin?

ALLISTER:

Good.

AMY:

What’re you studying in school?

15.

ALLISTER:

We’re learning about space and allthe celestial objects and you knowhow there are planets and solarsystems and sometimes there couldbe multiple universes but peopledon’t know how to describe that yetbut it’s a new theory and I’m soexcited to see if they figure it

out or not.

AMY:

Great. See ya round.

ALLISTER:

Ok.

Allister walks outside.

AMY:

Why’s he dressed like Colonel

Sanders?

KIM:

He got to dress himself and that’s

what he chose. That’s what the

inside of his heart looks like. Be

nice.

AMY:

Can you just be real for a second,

if you met that dude at a CVS,

you’d have a real problem with him.

KIM:

Can you just pretend to like him?

AMY:

I am pretending. Ooh I like Tom’s

sweater. He’s doing the To Catch a

Predator look.

KIM:

Amy!

Tom approaches.

TOM:

Amy what’s up?

AMY:

Hey.

16.

TOM:

So good to see you.

AMY:

You too, looking sharp.

TOM:

I just read your article about howto talk your girlfriend into athree way.

Rate this script:2.5 / 2 votes