Trainwreck Page #3

AMY:

You read that one?

TOM:

Yeah.

AMY:

Wow.

TOM:

(To Kim)

Would you do that?

KIM:

No.

AMY:

That got off the table quick. Lethim do what he wants. You guysshould make a sex tape.

TOM:

I would.

KIM:

Noo..

TOM:

I did high school theater. I thinkI’d be pretty good at it.

INT. DAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY

Amy is looking at a brochure for the home.

AMY:

This nursing home is nice.

KIM:

It’s too nice and it’s too

expensive. We should have put himin a shithole.

17.

AMY:

We did. This is a shithole, it’s

just the nicest shithole. Places

where the nurses don’t f*** the

patients are expensive. That’s whatyou’re paying for. Not the foodsister.

They go through boxes and throw some stuff in the trash. Kimpulls something out of a box.

KIM:

Eww. Condoms ribbed for HIS

pleasure?

AMY:

Eww. I better hold onto these.

KIM:

Is this coke?

AMY:

No. Dad didn’t love coke, he was

just a full blown alcoholic.

(sniffs it) No, must just be from a

Halloween costume.

Kim throws out Gordon’s things.

AMY (CONT’D)

Whoa whoa whoa, let’s just..

KIM:

Moving on. Don't touch it.

AMY:

These are his memories.

KIM:

No, don’t do that. We have so much

stuff to go through.

AMY:

What, he needs his wallet.

Kim rolls open a Mets poster.

KIM:

Aw.

AMY:

He loves that poster.

18.

KIM:

I know.

Kim rips a poster slowly while smiling at Amy. Amy tries tograb it but Kim dodges and taunts her.

AMY:

Kimberly. Stop it. Come on. Stopit. Not cool girl.

KIM:

That felt good.

Kim throws away a snow globe.

AMY:

No don’t throw away his snowglobes.

These are his memories. He got oneeverywhere he went.

KIM:

Did he get one from every one ofour teachers because I don’t see

them.

AMY:

He didn’t f*** all of our teachers.

KIM:

He f***ed all of my teachers.

AMY:

No he never f***ed Mr. Hecht. I

did. I’m just kidding. No hewouldn’t, but..

Kim is looking through pictures. Kim finds a photo of their

mom.

KIM:

Aw. Look at this. Mom was so

fuckable then.

AMY:

She had the best tits. When she

would lay down, they would juststay put. Mine are just like, seeya. My tities are like peace.

KIM:

Dad was such a dick.

19.

AMY:

Yeah I don’t really see it that

way.

INT. AMY’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Amy and Steven are having sex.

AMY:

Can we mix it up a little bit? Willyou talk dirty to me? Come on.

STEVEN:

Amy, no. That’s not something I dowell at. OK? I’m more physical inhow I communicate.

AMY:

You’re gonna be great at it.

STEVEN:

I’m gonna sound stupid. I don’t

want to sound stupid.

AMY:

You’re not gonna sound stupid.

Clear your mind and say whateverpops in it. Just try it. Just sayanything.

STEVEN:

I’m gonna give you my full pecker.

AMY:

OK.

STEVEN:

Because of the pecs, but pecker is

kind like my dick.

AMY:

I understood what you meant bypecker.

STEVEN:

I’m gonna fill you with protein.

Give you the protein you need tosurvive. Making muscles. I’m gonnaput my green drink in you. Betakeratin and vegetable mix.

20.

AMY:

Can it not be about protein orenergy or nutrition? Can you talkabout like sex stuff?

STEVEN:

Alright.

AMY:

Yes, OK, just sexy stuff. Talk to

me.

STEVEN:

There’s no “i” in team, but there’s

an “i” in win. You can’t spell

victory without t-r-y. Winning

isn’t everything, it’s the onlything.

AMY:

These are all just phrases, likesports phrases. Are these Nikeslogans? Please.

STEVEN:

Do you want just do it, do you wantthat one?

AMY:

No. Just have sex with me and saysome dirty sh*t.

Steven says something in Chinese.

AMY (CONT’D)

What is that?

STEVEN:

I’m talking to you dirty inChinese. That’s what I’m doing.

AMY:

What?

STEVEN:

I’ve been studying Mandarin in myoff time. (speaks Chinese again)

Do you need to go to the bathroom?

AMY:

Please don’t speak Chinese orwhatever during sex.

21.

STEVEN:

Ok, I got it.

AMY:

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be sopicky. You look discouraged andyou’re doing great.

STEVEN:

I told you I wasn’t going to be anygood at this. Can we try somethingelse?

AMY:

Yeah. Talk about the first time you

saw me.

STEVEN:

That’s easy. I remember it like itwas yesterday. I was just gettingdone in the gym. You were leavingthat pizza place, remember?

AMY:

Yeah.

STEVEN:

Yeah and you were holding onto thatbox. And you walked out and youwere wearing those jeans. Oh godthey looked so good. From behindyou looked like a dude.

AMY:

What?

Steven orgasms which you can only tell because his eyes bulgeout of his head and he makes a little pained noise. Hecollapses and wraps his arms around her and smiles.

STEVEN:

Don't move. Don’t move. Don’t move

at all. Don’t move at all anything.

Ah, you’re moving your arm. Fudgeripple ice cream! Yeah. That wasgreat. We got to make that part ofour program. You’re really on tosomething.

He high fives her.

STEVEN (CONT’D)

Amy, don’t forget to hydrate babe.

22.

Amy just stares ahead. She looks over at him. He is chugginga gallon of water in the bathroom with a small washcloth overhis raised penis.

STEVEN (CONT’D)

We went verbal. The boys make thenoise.

EXT. AMY’S APARTMENT - DAY

Noam panhandles.

NOAM:

Yes I’m loving it, rastaman.

Digging it. With the rolling bag,

mixed messages. Come back overhere, I love you on Glee.

Amy walks up.

AMY:

How’s it going?

NOAM:

Amy, what’s happening?

AMY:

You got a new sign?

The sign says:
“I blame you” on one side and “Lift me up” onthe other.

NOAM:

Yeah you know I'm working a coupleideas out.

AMY:

I’m going to visit my dad.

NOAM:

Oh how is he?

AMY:

Eh, we put him in an assisted

living facility, I don’t know hownice it is actually.

NOAM:

I know exactly how you feel. Thecar I take a sh*t in, they towed

it.

23.

AMY:

Sucks. Sorry man, I’ll see youlater.

NOAM:

See you later, I’ll be here. Hey,

I’m digging that back camel-toe.

INT. ASSISTED LIVING TV ROOM - DAY

GORDON (late 50s), in a wheelchair, eating animal crackers.

Others in the room are very old. Gordon and Amy watch TV.

NORMAN (99) has the floor, sits with MAX.

NORMAN:

What a ridiculous statement, you’retalking about the most talentedplayer on all levels. None of thesebums are the equal of Babe Ruth.

GORDON:

Norman, Babe Ruth was awful.

AMY:

Stop it.

NORMAN:

How could you negate facts?

AMY:

Be nice to him.

GORDON:

I am nice to him. He’s not nice to

me.

NORMAN:

Babe Ruth was a superhero. He wasSuperman.

GORDON:

It’s easy to be Superman whenyou’ve never played against a blackguy your whole life.

NORMAN:

What does white, black got to dowith it?

GORDON:

Every twelve year-old in theDominican Republic right now couldprobably beat Babe Ruth.

24.

NORMAN:

Blah blah blah blah blah.

GORDON:

Before 1947 it’s one big asterisk.

AMY:

Can you just keep a low profile forlike two weeks here?

GORDON:

Oh I’m sorry I don’t want to offendany of these people, f***ing each

other with viagra day and night,

God forbid.

AMY:

Can you just be nice and makefriends?

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