Transamerica Page #6

l swear, that dog is a sex maniac!

Just like your father.

At least he gets

more action than l do.

My mom used to live

in Phoenix before l was born.

Really?

What a coincidence.

What did your name used to be

when you were a guy?

Honey, why don't you go

and watch TV

in the spare bedroom, hmm?

You can take the dog.

Come here.

Come here, boy.

Stanley, what are you

planning to do

with that poor boy?

First of all, l'm gonna make sure

he knows that he's encouraged

and supported.

And that he's respected.

Maybe even...

well, at least that he's respected.

Behold the return

of the Prodigal son.

Can we try to be nice

to each other, please?

This is so bizarre.

l can still see Stanley in you,

but it's like you put yourself

through a strainer

and got rid of all the boy pulp.

Planning a game

of bridge with the girls?

Hmm.

Can l borrow $1 ,000?

You've gotta be kidding.

Do l hear a dollar and a half?

l have to account for every penny.

Eighteen months sober,

and they're still

scared shitless l'm gonna relapse

and wind up passed out on the floor

in some dive down on Van Buren.

God, those were the days.

My surgery's day after tomorrow.

l need air fare to get home.

You know, growin' up,

l always thought

you were the lucky one.

Hmm.

Try this one.

Oh, my God.

lt'll be like showgirls, um...

on lce Capades.

l'm a transsexual,

not a transvestite.

Yeah, but it will really

freak Mom out.

Now you've lost all credibility.

Toby, don't break that, honey.

lt's very expensive.

Murray, l just hate the way

you had Lucky's tail clipped.

Stands straight up just like a penis.

- Black and hairy.

- Well, it does.

Not like any penis l've ever seen.

Me neither.

Toby!

Toby, come over here

and let me fix your hair.

Come on.

Come on, honey.

Stay.

Sit.

Oh, you have such

nice, thick hair.

Just like mine.

And those clothes

are a great improvement.

They fit good, huh?

- They fit well.

- Grammar police.

Good evening.

That dress looks

perfectly ridiculous.

You're looking

very handsome.

You look good, too.

Beauty is relative.

For God's sake, Mom!

Oh, don't pick on me, not tonight.

l can't take it.

l used to read pornography

on the toilet,

and ever since,

l have shitty sex.

You get it?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Toby, come and sit here next to me.

Here, take a picture.

Murray, scoot over.

Come on, honey. Right here.

That's right, Toby honey.

Lean in close, honey.

All right, everybody.

One, two, three.

We all look much happier

than we really are.

Can you take one

of the two of us?

l'll take it.

Nice to see a young man

being so polite to his mother.

That's not his mother.

And, uh, a hamburger

for the young gentleman.

Enjoy your meal.

Toby, do you want to say grace?

Go ahead, honey.

Don't be shy.

Uh, God,

bless this restaurant and, uh...

these thy gifts that we're

about to receive forever

and ever.

And thank you, Lord,

for bringing Toby to us.

And please let us all stay together

in health and spirits.

ln Jesus Christ's name.

Amen.

Amen.

SIhalom Israel.

Jesus!

Oh, Toby, honey,

don't take the lettuce

out of your hamburger.

lt's good for you.

Sydney, don't play with your food.

Sieg Iheil.

Can l borrow $1 ,000?

Toby, your hamburger's almost raw.

Let me send that back.

l can pay it back with interest.

What do you need the money for?

To get back to Los Angeles.

Look at your life.

You've never been able

to stick to a decision.

Ten years of college,

and not a single degree.

How do you know you won't change

your mind about this, too?

Because l know.

Don't do this awful thing

to yourself. Please.

l miss my son.

Mom...

you never had a son.

How can you say such a thing?

Now you know how l felt

when you hired those private detectives.

We only tried to do the best for you.

ls that why you tried

to have me committed?

You tried to kill yourself!

Because you tried

to have me committed!

l don't know why

you have to be so emotional.

l am not emotional!

God, my cycle's all out of whack.

You don't have cycles.

Hormones are hormones.

Yours and mine just happen

to come in little purple pills.

Young man, may we get

some doggie bags here, please?

Yes, ma'am.

l'm going to finish

cooking his hamburger at home.

Murray, give me your wallet.

Here's $200.

We'll get the rest out of the safe.

There's one condition.

l want Toby to stay here with me.

Wouldn't you like that, honey?

You could have

your own little apartment.

We'll remodel the guest house.

Do you like to play tennis?

We have eight new courts

at the country club.

Murray and l just feel that

you need a stable, loving family

with the means to give you

every chance that you deserve.

Toby, here you are, baby.

Ha ha ha!

Half ltalian villa,

half country club.

Beauty is relative.

Not my relatives.

l wish just once they'd

look at me and see me.

That's all.

Just really see me.

Why are they bein' so nice to me?

Mmm.

You think l oughta stay here?

Do you want to?

lt's pretty nice.

l think you oughta do whatever

you think is best for you.

But if you want,

you can come and live with me.

l can't give you anything like this,

but l'm sure

we could manage something.

Did you really try to kill yourself?

l swallowed half a bottle of Nembutal.

Then l panicked and called 91 1 .

Maybe you're not the suicidal type.

Maybe.

Unless my mother is right,

and l just can't stick to a decision.

- Come in.

Can't you sleep?

- Not really.

- Do you need something?

A glass of milk?

No.

What is it?

l must look awful.

You look good.

You look well.

Don't worry.

What are you doin'?

What l'm good at.

No, no.

lt's okay.

l want to.

You'll like it, l promise.

l don't wanna like it.

l don't want it at all.

Okay.

l'll marry you if you want.

l don't care how big your place is.

l just wanna be with you.

l think you're sexy, Bree.

lt's like...

like l see you.

Oh, God.

Oh, no.

Put your clothes on.

l mean it.

Right now. Stop it.

What's the matter?

Just...would you please

just cover yourself up?!

- l am such a total sh*t.

- No, you're not.

There's something l should've

told you a long time ago.

You're going to hate me.

l'm not really...

exactly...

affiliated with a church.

l already figured that out.

What?

My mom and dad.

lt's your mom...

and me.

Toby...

l'm so sorry.

l know l shouldn't have lied to you.

l know how disappointed you must be.

A one-bedroom apartment

instead of a mansion,

and half-Jewish

instead of half-lndian.

Toby.

Toby.

Why don't we look on the bright side?

We've gotten to know each other--

Our strengths and weaknesses--

And we're still

good friends, aren't we?

l'm so sorry!

l truly, really,

l didn't mean to hurt you!

My mother's probably right.

l'm a terrible influence.

Oh, please, this is

a terrible time for me.

Toby, wait.

Oh!

You are not my father.

Oh, my God!

Oh, honey.

There, there.

He didn't mean it, honey.

He's just a little bit upset.

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