Trash Fire

1

MAN:
For as long as I can remember,

I'd been waiting for my parents to die...

...so I could commit suicide without feeling

an overwhelming sense of guilt.

And there they were...

...dead.

And I didn't have the guts

to go through with it.

Florence?

Florence?

Florence!

I'm pouring my guts out and you fall asleep?

I did. How does that make you feel?

Angry.

Okay, you know how some old people

are asked to stop driving?

It's not that most of them are incapable...

...it's just not particularly safe

for them to be on the road.

I mean, that just about sums up

how I feel about you as a psychiatrist.

It's time to throw in the towel.

I'm sensing a great deal

of hostility coming from you.

Go f*** yourself, Florence.

You look nice.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Don't do this to me.

I told myself for the longest time

you were actually gonna grow up.

- I can't... I can't do this, I'm gonna go.

- Stop, okay, fine. Okay?

Don't go. I'll cut down on my drinking,

whatever you want.

We've been together for three years,

nothing's changed.

I need security in a relationship...

...and I don't get it from you anymore, Owen.

MAN:
Excuse me, ma'am, pardon my reach.

Thank you.

What am I still doing here?

You obviously don't care.

I don't even know what to say anymore.

Don't do that with your napkin.

There are real people here.

I need a girlfriend, not a second mother.

I'm supposed to be sexually

attracted to you...

...and right now you're not giving me

much to work with.

Happy f***ing anniversary.

(VOMITING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

(SCREAMING)

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Isabel!

Okay.

Hey.

You're such an a**hole.

You f***ed up last weekend.

Our anniversary sucked...

...and then you have a seizure,

and here I am taking care of you.

This looks pretty good.

Well, if it's not

and you value your life, lie.

Can I at least get some salt?

- No.

- Okay.

Hey, look on the bright side,

at least I didn't sh*t myself this time.

Oh, God, really?

It was only a little.

What is a girl like you

doing with a guy like me?

Working through my self-esteem issues

before planning my escape.

- Thank you.

- (BEEPING)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

Isabel, do you hear that? What is that?

Is that the smoke detector?

It's fine. That's just the sound

it makes when the battery's low.

It makes a different beep when it's smoke.

Owen, just take the battery out.

I think I'm having a panic attack.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Sorry, we're late.

We didn't get a lot of sleep last night.

I'm a little short for time, so I took the

liberty of ordering for the three of us.

You're gonna love that French toast.

You mind if I say a prayer before we eat?

Give me your hand.

Dear God, thank you for this time

with my lovely sister...

...and her off-again, on-again boyfriend.

Please bless us and these gifts which we

are about to receive from Thy bounty...

...through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

- Do you mind if I say a few words?

- Please do.

Dark Lord of the Abyss,

we wish to become one...

That's not funny. That's not funny.

No one's laughing, because it's not funny.

So, Mom and Dad tell me

you're doing really well.

Congratulations on the promotion at work.

It's actually not a promotion,

it's just a pay raise, but thank you.

Well, you know what, at any rate,

I'm happy for you.

We're all so proud of you

and your little achievements.

- Everyone back home sends their best.

- Well, I miss everybody.

I talk to Mom and Dad on the phone pretty

much every day, but it's not the same.

I hope to come and visit you guys soon.

We would absolutely love that.

I hope you do that.

- Please make that happen.

- Yes.

And I trust you're looking after

my sister, as best you're capable?

You know, Owen, I'd be lying...

...if I said that I'd pick you

as the ideal mate for Isabel...

...but if you're going to continue

this courtship...

...you should look into making

an honest woman out of her.

I'm not taking relationship advice

from a beige earthworm.

(SLURPING)

- It was really nice seeing you.

- (SIGHS)

I'll be back in town on business shortly.

I hope we can get together again,

just the two of us.

I love you, Caleb.

- I love you.

- Love you.

Hey. I know that family

is a touchy subject for you...

...and maybe you feel

like you don't have one...

...but if you could make more of an effort

with mine, that would mean a lot to me.

Your family hates me.

They don't hate you.

They just don't know you.

All they know is what Caleb tells them

and you treat him like garbage.

He's a self-righteous prick.

You're both full of sh*t.

You know what? You're right.

I'm gonna make more of an effort.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

I love you, and I owe you at least that much.

Thank you, Owen.

What do you say we celebrate my

newfound transformation with a little sex?

I'm gonna have to pretend it was

another man's penis inside me.

I'm okay with that.

Okay.

What's going on?

It normally doesn't take you this long.

- It's been like 30 seconds.

- I know, is everything okay?

Maybe it's your complete lack of enthusiasm.

Well, your balls smell real bad.

I wanted to keep us in the moment.

Just take a shower next time.

You know what, I'm gonna go

jerk off in the bathroom.

Don't use the towels.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(VOMITING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

What's wrong?

Nothing, it's just nerves.

Do you want me to take you home?

We can always reschedule.

- No, you're not getting out of this.

- Okay.

I'm fine.

- Hello.

- FLORENCE:
Hello.

Uh, Florence, I'd like

to start off by apologizing...

...for telling you to find a new line of work

at our one-on-one session the other day.

You seemed caught off-guard to find out

that you're terrible at your job...

- ...and I honestly thought you knew.

- Don't talk to Florence like that.

She fell asleep at our session.

Yeah, I'd fall asleep too, if I had to

listen to you talk for an hour straight.

You know, I'm beginning to feel like

my relationship with both of you...

...is becoming equally unhealthy.

Well, let's get back on track, shall we?

Isabel, you voiced a concern

about Owen's drinking.

- Do you still have an issue with that?

- BOTH:
No.

Because I told him I'd cut his dick off,

and he knew that, and I meant it.

She did tell me she'd cut off my dick...

...and I did know it, but I wasn't

particularly concerned on account...

...of the fact that I don't use it

for much except pissing.

In fact, I'd love to see it go...

...because all I do is look at it every day

and it reminds me of better times.

Now when I brought up your dick,

it wasn't my intention...

...for you to just run with it

as a topic of conversation.

You know, gay guys get excited about dick.

It's celebrated and sought

after in their community.

You show a picture of a dick

to a woman, watch her cringe.

What are you saying, you're gay now?

I'm saying, I wish I was. I wish I was.

It's not dick that makes women cringe,

it's specifically your dick.

Threatening Owen isn't going to help him

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