Trash Fire Page #2

with his drinking problem.

- I don't have a drinking problem.

- Yes, you do...

...and all your idiotic friends

just encourage it.

Okay, so I'm a substance abuser

with an ugly dick...

...who's mentally ill-equipped to stand up

to peer pressure and you're dating me.

Sometimes you don't choose

who you fall in love with.

(SIGHS)

ISABEL:
All right, one drink here,

one drink at dinner, okay?

OWEN:
It's gonna take more than two

drinks for me to become detached enough...

...to make it through dinner

with your friends.

What do you mean "my friends?"

Sheldon and Mimi are our friends.

- Keep telling yourself that.

- What, come on, you and Sheldon are cool.

Sheldon and I do not have a friendship,

we have an understanding.

I'm going to give you

a chance to stop right now...

...before you piss me off enough

to a point there's turning back.

It has become painfully obvious

to Sheldon and myself...

...that we're going to have

to interact on a monthly basis...

...so we let you two

do most of the talking...

...we reduce our conversation

to banal pleasantries...

...and everybody comes out unscathed.

I've spent countless evenings with the guy,

I can't tell you what he does for a living.

He's a paralegal. A paralegal, okay?

You asked him that three times last time

we hung out. It was embarrassing.

I can't wrap my head around why it's so

important for you that I like your friends.

Isn't it enough that I hang out with them?

I hate you sometimes. I really do.

Let's go, we're already late.

Yeah, great.

So what's going on with you guys?

Tell me, what's up?

Yeah, um... uh...

My father is in the advanced

stages of Alzheimer's.

- Oh.

- SHELDON:
Yeah, it's a terrible disease.

It's been really tough, but all my time's

been spent going back and forth...

...between our house and the nursing home

and Sheldon's been really busy with work.

- Oh, yeah. What is it that you do again?

- (SHELDON LAUGHS)

- You gotta be kidding me, bro.

- Some sort of lawyer?

- I'm a paralegal.

- Yeah, that's right, fascinating.

- I'm really sorry to hear about your father.

- Yeah, it's been really hard.

- You need anything, let me know.

- I know, you're the best. I know, thank you.

Owen, forgive me if I'm...

I don't know, if it's a touchy subject...

...but I've never heard you bring up

your family in conversation.

My parents died in a fire.

- Oh.

- His... his sister survived.

She lives with my crazy grandmother.

That's awful. I'm so sorry. Have you

kept in touch with your sister at all?

Nah. Pretty sure she hates me.

I'm trying to convince him to,

you know, reach out to her.

Too much guilt, honey.

So long as we're on the subject

of guilt, you know...

...I don't get why they have to put

the caloric content on the menu.

You know, I was going to order a burger...

but I just can't bring myself to do it?

I just feel bad about it.

Yeah, it's hard when you know,

it's like, right there.

Owen, hey, tell us, bro. What's your secret?

How do you stay so thin, man?

- I eat whatever I want.

- Must be some metabolism.

Nope. I'm bulimic.

Wow, yeah, I thought that was a girl disease.

Well, in all fairness,

you're also kind of an idiot.

- Wow.

- Apologize to Sheldon.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

I haven't had enough to drink.

Can you not drink out of the carton?

It's disgusting.

I'm sorry that I snapped at Sheldon.

Talking about my family puts me on edge.

Yeah, well, we're eventually going

to run out of people to hang out with.

If I'm stuck with you all the time,

I'll go crazy.

I understand.

So, any chance you want to f***?

Any chance you can be romantic, ever?

Okay, intimate? Do you want to be intimate?

I let you have sex with me

three times last week.

I really feel like we shouldn't do it

again until I'm back on birth control.

Isabel, we've had enough unprotected

sex without birth control...

...to come to at least three conclusions.

Either I'm the master king at pulling out...

...I'm sterile, or you're barren.

All roads leads to us having sex tonight.

Not sure I can handle

the increase in your sex drive...

...since you've slowed down on the drinking.

Starting to miss the guy who'd come

home every night in a drunken stupor...

...with a flaccid penis. Let's go.

Can you at least take off your shirt?

I'll come faster.

- Be gentle... I'm not wet yet.

- You're never wet.

Well, that means you're doing

something wrong.

This is new.

(SCREAMING)

- Well, that was unexpected.

- I think you mean traumatic.

- I'm in the hospital?

- Mm-hm.

- It was your worst one yet.

- How long have I been here?

- Three hours.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Hi.

- CALEB:
Hi.

- Everyone okay?

- Someone tell me I'm still dreaming.

Caleb had to jet back in town for

another last minute corporate meeting.

Well, I'm not dead yet.

So you can hold off on all your celebrating.

That's very funny. Look, Isabel told me

what happened and I rushed right over.

Oh, she told you I had a seizure

while we were f***ing?

- What? What did you say?

- Oh, my God.

Are you two sleeping together?

We've been together for three years.

He lives with me. I just assumed

with your background in mathematics...

- ...you'd be better at deductive reasoning.

- I, on the other hand...

...expected you to be just as delusional

and caught off-guard as you are right now.

Isabel, this is not how you were raised.

I am so ashamed of you.

Please, at least tell me he's your first.

Caleb, my sex life

isn't really any of your business.

You know what, let me just clear

that right up for you.

I've never been with a virgin.

- F*** you, Owen.

- Is that true?

F*** both of you.

I think it goes without saying that you

two should get yourselves checked out.

- In the interest of public safety.

- I'm in a committed relationship.

What about you, Caleb? How many times

have you strolled through the clinic...

...while f***ing your way

through two failed marriages?

If you weren't already in a hospital bed,

I would put you in one.

Guys, stop it! Both of you!

Will the two of you at least consider saving

face in the eyes of God and getting married?

No, because that means we'd no longer

be living in sin and we enjoy living in sin.

Speak for yourself.

Caleb, I'm sorry, I feel like you should

just go. But I'll see you next week.

I'll see you for Shelby's birthday,

I'm going to take the train in and...

You're uninvited.

I don't want such a negative

influence around my daughter.

And until you straighten up your act, you

should not be allowed anywhere near children.

Come on, who cares, you'll never see your

niece again, she's a pain in the ass, anyway.

She's supposed to be my f***ing

goddaughter, you heartless sack of sh*t.

What if I told you I want

to have kids some day?

Go ahead. It's your body, do what

you want, but don't treat pregnancy...

...like some special achievement.

Crack whores have babies.

All you have to do is spread your legs,

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