Treasure of Matecumbe Page #3

That's very generous of you.

If you've never played that

three-card monte before,

how come you know how to win that man?

If there's one thing I

learned from my brother,

it's how to spot a cheat.

- Howdy.

- Whoa.

- How far is it to the next town?

- Coahoma's seven mile that way.

Seven miles. Would you be

kind enough to carry us there?

Any fool can see I ain't going that way.

And if I was, I wouldn't haul my

own kin seven mile for nothing.

Perhaps... you'd be interested

in selling this here mule and rig.

You got money?

Not on my person, naturally.

Not enough to buy a

fine animal like this.

I'd have to leave

some sort of collateral

till the bank leaves my draft.

You mean a swap?

Whoa!

What are we stopping here for?

Just leave everything to me. Come on.

Ma'am.

Sheriff, I have two runaway

boys to leave with you.

What?!

Davie, you didn't expect me to believe

that wild story about maps and whatnot?

Miss Lauriette!

It's for your own good. You'll thank

me when you're back with your parents.

- Where are you boys from?

- Up north of here.

But we didn't really

run away, not because...

You just put out a fugitive notice on

them. Somebody'll know who they are.

You can't do that! Spangler'll see it!

Davie, if I hear about

Spangler one more time...

Now, now. You boys better

come on back here with me.

- You can't put us in jail!

- It ain't jail.

It's what we call protective

custody. Come on, boys.

Just till your folks come to claim

you. You're gonna be all right in here.

Now, ma'am, if you can just write down

a few things you know about the boys,

you know, where you found 'em,

their ages, things like that.

Help! Help!

- Oh, my arm!

- It's Thad! He's been bit by a spider!

It was a tarantula! I seen it!

It was big! Crawled in under

there! Must have had eight legs!

- I just bet.

- Oh! Oh! My arm!

Let me see. Come on.

Come on, let me see it.

Davie Bernie, you come back here!

Resisting arrest is a felony!

I don't know what that means, but we

been in worse trouble for three days!

I'd like to get my hands on those two.

Thanks, Lamar. They just boys who

need a little guidance, that's all.

They don't lack for imagination.

All that nonsense about secret

maps and people getting killed.

They told me the biggest pack of lies

since the carpetbaggers came down here.

Hey, sheriff. Any idea where

those two rascals might be headed?

They'll probably keep to

the river. Most fugitives do.

Oh, he felt a chill

and he took to his bed

He made his will Had the good book read

He was fading till Dr. Snodgrass'pill

Had him up and about in the morning

This is the burden of my tale

Snodgrass's pill can never fail

Fine day for a constitutional.

Increases the circulation.

Reduces general debility.

Sir?

- You boys alone?

- Just me and Thad.

Hmm.

- What you making?

- Elixir of swamp root.

Funnel. There we are.

Yes, as from the ancient

formula of the Aztec Aboriginal.

What's it for?

Consumption, king's evil, gout, goiter,

scurvy, carbuncles, dyspepsia,

general skin disorder.

- It can cure all that?

- That and more.

And of all the people in the

world, you are the only two

to have seen the nostrum

in its formulation.

Are you going downriver?

Could you use some help

as far as Friars Point?

Are you boys wanted?

It's kind of a long story,

and you probably wouldn't

believe me when I'm through.

Well, some people don't.

Well, of course, I couldn't offer you

more than the usual apprentice wage.

One dollar a week with

sustenance and lodging.

But then, of course, you'd

have the privilege of serving

the greatest master of the healing arts.

Who's that?

Me. Dr...

May I present myself?

Ewing T. Snodgrass M.C...

P.M.Ph... U.

There we go.

Come along now, medical students.

Earn your dollar. Bring my bags.

Do you see that man

with a back so strong?

Do you hear that man with his party song

Good people of Barskidell.

You are all far sicker than you think.

My opening incantation was, as always,

in the Choctaw tongue

and dedicated to the late,

great chief, Wah-Wah-Too-Se.

I am indebted to this great chief

and to the whole Choctaw nation

for my rugged constitution,

nay, for my life.

- What did they do for you?

- What did they do for me?

Trusses.

Now, I have at hand a

limited supply of them

and I am willing to let you

have them for one dollar apiece.

And I'm going to send my

two young Choctaw assistants,

Swift Deer and Brave Bear,

among you in order to

help you adjust them

according to your own

particular requirements.

- Come on.

- I'll take one!

- Over here! I'll take one.

- I want one.

If, my friends, if you are

not rejuvenated with new vigor

within 24 hours of

receiving these trusses,

you'll get double your money back

and five cents of the ten cents

for the instruction books.

There we are. If any of you happen

to be interested in the long life,

you'd do well to invest

in Dr. Snodgrass fever,

ague and liver pads.

They are the only

known cure for malaria,

dyspepsia, aching joints, frostbite...

What tribe you from again?

- Choctaw.

- Come again?

You heard the man, Choctaw.

You are receiving these at cost.

Swift Deer, Brave Bear.

Perhaps you would run back and find

us some more of our miracle medicine.

They need to know their own

language. They are incorrigible.

And yet, you know, anyone

who loves children loves them.

Gotta hurry so Dr. Snodgrass

won't lose the crowd.

Don't break it down. I'm coming.

Yes, ma'am?

Are you the law in this town?

Does that look like it

come off a Christmas tree?

Well, Sheriff, while you sleep

away the better part of the day,

two runaway boys disguised as Indians

have fallen into the

hands of a charlatan,

an obvious fraud who is hogswaggling

the citizens of this town

with worthless contraptions

and useless concoctions.

- Is his name Snodgrass?

- That's the one.

I've been waiting for this slick boot.

You wait till I get my

hands on him. Where is he?

That stream outside town. You'll

hear him before you see him.

Where can I sell that mule and rig

and get myself a steamship ticket

and some kind of a... decent dress?

Frank Candy deals in mules. If you

wanna get yourself a steamship ticket,

go down the river and start

a fire like everybody else.

Sometimes they stop, sometimes they

don't. There's a store round the corner.

Wait till I get my

hands on that Snodgrass!

He ain't gonna never hogswaggle

anybody anymore, I guarantee that.

Anyone will see at least the box.

Now, obviously the

last thing I wish to do

is to fit glasses to those

who have no need for them.

- No, no.

- Hey, you!

Sheriff Forbes, well,

this is providence indeed.

Don't you providence me!

Last year you sold me a belt

guaranteed to restore male vigor.

- All I got was a case of hives!

- Hives?

Sheriff Forbes.

Next time you get to

fall out of the tree.

That Spooju Juice tastes awful.

Remember what Dr. Snodgrass said.

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