Trespass Against Us Page #3

and I ain't got no fags,

I'm having you, Lester,

I'm f***ing having you.

Is it true we come from fishes?

What'd you say?

It's what they said at school.

You just listen to me, me boy,

and listen good.

No one is about to tell me

I come from the arse of an ape.

Or that your granddaddy

were a goldfish.

Really.

What a load of bollocks.

You really think god made us

from a fish?

Teacher said.

Well, they're fannies, then.

Great big fannies.

Don't you listen to 'em, Ty.

Don't listen to 'em.

From fishes. Yeah, well,

maybe her ancestors.

Not mine, not yours.

I thought school was supposed

to teach you common senses.

I don't like it there.

F***ing waste of time

if you ask me.

They're trying

to control your mind.

That's why I never

did send Chad to school.

You've gotta stand up

against these c*nts, Tyson.

So they don't trespass

against us.

Yeah, it were like

a f***ing museum!

That were some fate, that.

Did you see

all them regal outgowns?

I chored one of his wigs,

wrapped it all in his gown.

He were a judge.

He were a f***ing judge!

First little stretch I done...

Oi! Tyson!

Chad would have been

a bit younger than you.

About five he was, I think.

Yeah.

Everyone does a bit of time,

you know, sooner or later.

Can be god's medicine,

prison can be, Tyson.

Teaches you what's important.

Evening, Kelly.

Ty's gotta go to bed now.

He's got school tomorrow.

Could I just finish my story?

Don't go filling his head

with all this jank, col.

We was talking about his dog.

Don't ignore me, Tyson cutler.

Get your skinny little arse out.

I tell you, that school's been

rokkering him some right wrongs.

Say what you like.

He's still going.

All right, then.

Listen to your ma.

- Don't want to.

- I know. No one does.

But I say so.

I'm not bloody having this, col.

Kel.

Dogs can only

play with cats so long

before it's the dog

that gets scratched.

That's rapid response,

that is, Chad.

I'll deal with them.

Just get everything in the Van.

I'm f***ing

coming with you, Chad.

- I'm not staying with the fatements.

- What about you, Samps?

Well, I'm not missing

a f***ing chase.

All right, who we got, then?

We got Carlin.

And that fuckhead Roberts.

Roberts is

a f***ing awesome driver.

Is he f***.

Stop touching me, Sampson.

Do your drunk driving, Chad.

Do your drunk driving.

- All right, get the fire thingy.

- - On it, mush.

- Oi, what you doing, Sampson?

- Time to get off-road.

No, my fire extinguisher!

I chored that.

Oi, Chad, tell him to let me...

What the f***

is wrong with you, Lester?

On Ricky's corner, mush.

All right, let it rip, Samps.

F***ing have that!

Jesus f***ing Christ!

Let me bail out, Chad.

I know a bird

who lives 'round here.

Gawas are still right behind us.

Who gives a f***?

He's a proper dirty sex pest,

he is.

Didn't have to jump.

I was just about to stop.

F*** you doing, Chad?

Told you, I f***ing hate chases

without fags.

You forgot 'em, Lester.

You go get 'em.

F***ing not going in there.

You'll leave me behind.

Off your f***ing head,

you are, Chad.

I got the money.

I got the money.

20 denmans.

No, 40.

And a pack of maltesers.

Keep the change.

- Cushty, mush.

- - Hurry up. Hurry up.

I think you should actually

stop smoking, Chad.

You sure, Chad?

No, no. F***!

Oh, f...

Oh.

F***.

Oh, f***.

You f***ing bastard!

You could have

f***ing picked me up.

Four hours I walked back.

I were waiting for you

at the tree.

What happened, then, son?

Rabid response,

that's what happened.

Start at the beginning.

I f***ing killed trousers.

- Who?

- Trousers. Lovage's b*tch.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Who was they in the house?

Who gives a f***?

Come on, sit down.

Have an amaretto,

a little father and sonly.

Tell me what happened.

Well, f*** ya.

Ever be able to.

A huge haul of antiques

has been stolen

in what could turn out

to be one of Britain's

biggest domestic robberies.

Thieves targeted the lord lieutenant

of Gloucestershire's home

in Purgrove

just outside Cheltenham.

The private art collection

at the manor

was valued at tens

of millions of pounds.

The loss has

not yet been assessed

but is believed

to be considerable.

The lord lieutenant arrived

back at his house this morning

but was unavailable for comment.

Chad.

Chad, wake up.

You're on the news.

This follows a series

of identical burglaries

in the area.

We have good reason

to believe it was carried out

by the same

highly professional gang.

National news.

For f***'s sake, Chad.

They're gonna come after you

now, you know they will.

- I need to go back to sleep, Kel.

- No way.

You're doing the school run.

I'm taking Norman

to the hospital.

- He's under warrant, Kel.

- I know he is.

That's your f***ing fault

as well.

And Worzel bloody burnt

the kids' slippers.

I can't be living with the

pissy arse much longer.

All right, monkey.

Leave your dad alone.

- What time did you get back?

- Never you mind.

- You ready for school?

- Don't want to.

I want to go to the fair

with Colby.

You've got three minutes

to make it to the car.

You hear me, Ty?

Tyson?

All right, Tyson,

let your granddad in.

Out the car, Worzel.

Aw! Leave him alone, Chad.

You heard.

Out the car, Gummidge.

I ain't moving

whilst he's in here.

Don't be childish.

Worse than the kids.

All right, out.

No chickens at school today.

F***ing national news, dad.

- Weren't you in the news, son.

- Might as well have been.

Your dad's a legend, Tyson.

Hiding under cows.

Don't teach you that at school,

do they?

Don't you ever think

what actually happens in there?

You know what I reckon of it,

don't ya?

You two'd be better off coming

to the fair with your granddad.

Oi, they're my f***ing kids,

col,

and I do what I like with 'em.

Give us a kiss.

No swearing, not at school.

No swearing?

What's that about?

God given right to swear.

Oi, Tyson,

tell your teachers

to go f*** their mothers!

They ain't gonna airlift you,

is they, Norman?

- All right, Kel.

- Get your fat arse ready.

I'm coming!

Kelly, Chad has sent me

to protect you.

You stay away from me,

Bennett, you hear?

- I got a chicken for you, Kel.

- Stuff it.

Shh.

He's a wrong 'un.

Don't want him around my kids.

Can't be held responsibles

if it carries on playing up.

Love thy neighbor, Chad,

that's one of the ten.

I'll tell you an eleventh.

It's one of me own

and I mean it.

Stop whinging like a Fanny

about Gordon.

The man's ill, got problems.

I'm looking after him.

Leave it.

You got something to tell me,

then, or what?

Chored a small fortune

out of that house, Chad.

I don't give a f***, col.

Not about any of it.

Who the f*** cares about clocks?

I'm telling you, f*** this

country house malarkey.

Not worth the cars, mush.

The future's

in the Intraweb, col.

That's where it's all going.

The wise world business.

No son of mine is about to

start with any of that crap.

What the f*** you know

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