Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark Page #5

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Control yourself. You're weak."

This is my body, my temple. I control it.

The body tried. I was like, "No! No!"

My body was like,

"Come on, man. I gotta--"

I was like, "No! No! Breathe!"

Had it in check.

Went to the kitchen,

started to make some breakfast.

And as I poured the milk

into the cereal bowl,

my body was like, "Hey, Trevor?"

I was like, "What's going on, buddy?"

"Hey, do you mind if I burp?"

"Of course I don't mind if you burp.

You burp all the time."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna burp right now.

Just a standard, everyday burp."

"I don't know why you're warning me.

You never warn me usually when you burp.

You just burp."

"I wanted to let you know

it's just a burp. Don't worry."

I was like, "Okay, go ahead and burp."

"Okay, here it comes."

And my body was like...

But then, I caught it in my mouth.

I caught it all in my mouth, though.

Oh, yeah. Judge me!

Judge me. The only reason you know

the taste is because you're alcoholics.

You're gonna judge me.

We've all done that before.

That's the classy thing to do.

Catch it in your mouth, so you can handle

your business in the toilet.

Caught it all in my mouth.

I ran to the toilet.

I threw up,

and it was the worst feeling in the world.

I don't even drink.

Throwing up is now

an added reason to not--

And, you know, when you're throwing up...

the worst part for me is the dry heaving.

You know, when you're done,

everything is finished, but still--

That's when I know that humans

aren't as evolved as we think we are.

Because your body and your brain,

at that point, there's nothing left.

There's nothing there, and still you--

There's nothing there.

There's nothing.

And we're all in that position--

It's not gracious.

No one's looking cool.

Everyone is there. You're just like...

Everyone is in that same position.

No one throws up in a cool fashion.

No one's there, like...

No one. Every single one of us,

we're reduced...

to a pile of pain.

It's finished. It's finished. It's fini--

Oh, it's so sore. It's so sore.

There's nothing there.

Why don't you realize that--

Oh, please. Oh, please.

I'm dying. I'm dying.

I'm dying. I don't even know what--

And then blood came out.

Yeah, not good.

So, I panicked.

I was like, "I'm bleeding internally.

I need to get to the hospital."

Called my friend Mick.

I was like, "Mick, where are you?"

He's like, "I'm home. What's going on?"

I said, "I need your help.

I drank too much last night."

He's like, "Yeah. And?"

I said, "This morning, I threw up a lot."

He's like, "Yeah, right. And?"

I said, "And then,

while I was throwing up, blood came out."

He's like, "Yeah, right. And?"

I said, "And that's it, Mick.

Blood came out of my mouth."

He said, "Oh, that's too bad, Trevor.

So, what are you gonna do now?"

I said, "I'm gonna go

to the hospital, Mick."

He's like,

"I don't know if that's necessary.

Like, was it a lot of blood?"

"Any blood is a lot of blood.

What do you mean?"

He's like, "I know what you're saying,

but was it a lot,

or was it a wee bit of blood?"

Mick didn't take me to the hospital.

Instead, he decided to come over

with some bananas and white bread.

He forced me to eat that.

And that night, I had another show.

I was horrible. It was a bad show.

And afterwards, I leave the venue.

And who's standing outside waiting for me?

My good friend Mick.

And he's like,

"Trevor, how was your show?"

I said, "It was horrible, Mick, horrible.

I thought I was gonna die."

He's like, "Oh, that's too bad.

You wanna go talk about it over a pint?"

I said, "What?"

He's like, "Let's go grab a wee drink."

I said, "There's no wee nothing here.

There is no "wee" ever again."

He's like, "What are you talking about?"

I said, "Mick, I thought I was gonna die.

I'm not gonna drink."

He's like, "Don't be like that.

It's just one bad day."

I was like, "Yeah, and I'd like to live

to see another, Mick.

I'm not going with you."

He's, like, "Trevor, don't be--"

I'm like, "Don't be like what?"

He's like, "Don't be a p*ssy."

And that's where he lost me.

That is where he lost me.

I understand what he was trying to do.

Guys do it all the time.

Hit you with the phrase,

"Don't be a p*ssy."

Yes. Because it implies weakness.

Yeah. Do not be like the vagina.

The vagina that is weak.

Yes. Yes. Don't be a p*ssy.

Guys say that, and then you do

what they want. "Don't be a p*ssy."

Yeah, don't be a p*ssy,

'cause the p*ssy is weak.

And yet,

in my personal experience...

I have found the p*ssy to be

one of the strongest things

I have ever come across in my life.

Don't be a p*ssy?

Have you ever come across a p*ssy?

The vagina is one of the most powerful--

You realize vaginas can start revolutions

and end wars.

You realize, even on a physical level,

the vagina is one of the strongest things

that have ever existed.

Virtually indestructible.

Many men in this room--

Many, many men in this room have tales

of how they once defeated the p*ssy.

Let me tell you now, they have not.

The owner of the p*ssy

may have given you the impression

that you defeated the p*ssy,

but it is alive and well, my friends.

Whenever people say that,

I go, "Do you understand

how impressive the vagina is?

Do you understand how strong it is?"

There's a reason men have sought

to oppress it for so long.

The vagina is frighteningly powerful.

You realize human beings come out

of a vagina.

Human beings come out,

and still it continues

to work as intended.

Do you understand how impressive that is?

I don't know if I'm the only one.

New York, do you understand?

A human being comes out...

of the vagina.

And still, it continues to operate,

and it continues to work

after a human has just come out.

You're saying it's weak?

A human came out of the vagina.

You just sit on a penis wrong,

and it breaks. You just--

"Don't be a penis,"

that should be the phrase.

"Don't be a p*ssy."

I wish I was a p*ssy.

Are you serious right now?

"Don't be a penis,"

that should be the saying.

Scotland taught me so many things.

Beautiful place, beautiful people,

rich in culture.

My favorite thing to do while I was there

was trying to learn the Scottish accents.

I butcher it, but I don't care.

I have fun.

What I do when I travel is try

to speak to people in their accents

and see if they can catch me out.

That's one of my favorite games.

I'd walk into a store in Edinburgh,

and I'd just be like...

"Good afternoon.

I would like to buy a pair of shoes."

He'd be like, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland."

"Aye, what part?"

"Johannesburg."

I love it, though. I love the accents

not just because they sound fun

and it's an interesting thing to do.

I love accents

because I'm always impressed

by how much power they have over us,

over our minds.

When someone speaks a certain way,

it changes how we feel about that person,

for good and for bad.

We do it all the time.

You see people on the streets,

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