Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark Page #4

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And now, finally, I had another answer.

And that issue...

was that of James Bond.

I'm a big fan of 007. License to kill.

I loved it my whole life.

Started with Pierce Brosnan.

Then went back and watch Connery's

and Lazenby's and everyone,

all the way to Daniel Craig.

And I love James Bond.

And when I found out that Daniel Craig

no longer wanted to be James Bond,

I was heartbroken.

Until I heard...

that, at the top of the list,

the potential replacement

was a man by the name Idris Elba.

And I lost my mind.

I lost my-- You can hear the ladies.

They're, like, "Yeah," you know?

And that's what James Bond needs:

a lady's man and a man's man,

and Idris has that.

He's strong. He's charming.

He's got that quiet thing.

"Yeah, you know, Idris Elba. Oh, yeah.

Idris Elba, you know?" You could just

see him playing the dapper spy.

And as soon as it was announced,

everyone was excited,

until the comments section

of the Internet came in.

"Idris Elba, James Bond."

And the comments section was like,

"Uh, actually...

Idris Elba could not play James Bond."

And we're like, "Why?"

They're like, "Because...

Hmm?"

"'Cause of the shape of his head?

What are you saying?"

"No, because..."

-"Because what?"

-"Because he's black!

James Bond cannot be played

by a black man!"

As soon as they said that,

the Internet exploded.

"Racism!"

Immediately, that happened, I jumped in.

I don't even know what it's about half

of the time, I jump in.

You say "racism," and I wreck my site.

I'm just like, "Racism!

Aah! You guys will explain it later.

Racism!"

I was in there, like,

"What the hell is going on?"

They're like, "James Bond

cannot be played by Idris Elba

because Idris Elba is black,

and James Bond is white!"

I was like, "Well, actually,

James Bond is a fictional character,

so he can be played by anyone,

because it is fiction!"

They were like, "When you think about it,

James Bond was based on a real man,

who was white, and so, he should be

played by a real white man."

I said, "That doesn't make sense.

If you think about it,

Jesus was technically a black man,

but he gets played by a white man.

So I don't know what your point is,

'cause that never stopped me

from receiving my blessings.

I don't know what you're going on about."

They're like, "You can't have it!"

I was like, "Racism!"

"You can't have it!" "Racism!"

And then I went to Scotland.

I realized that maybe, just maybe...

I hadn't given the argument

enough thought.

Because I love Idris Elba.

I want him to play Bond.

But if you think about it, James Bond

often operates in places like Scotland

and the UK and Europe.

Because that's where most supervillains

choose to reside.

I'm assuming it's for tax purposes.

No matter how you feel about the issue,

you have to admit...

it would be particularly difficult...

to be a spy...

when you are the only...

black person in town.

Your very existence defies your purpose.

I'm not saying it's impossible,

I'm just saying that would be the toughest

James Bond movie that was ever made.

Can you imagine that scene?

Idris Elba, James Bond, planting the C-4,

blowing up the bad guy's lair,

jumping on a bike,

riding into the town square in Edinburgh.

The bad guys right behind him.

They pull out their guns, start shooting.

The chase is on.

Idris Elba, James Bond,

jumps off the bike,

runs into a crowded town square,

the bad guys right behind him.

He manages to shake them off,

pops into a little alley,

gets out on the other side,

finds a crowded little marketplace,

puts a scarf around his head,

a fake beard,

blends in with a group of monks

walking by.

The bad guys turn the corner.

"There he is!"

James Bond manages to shake them off,

gets into another group of areas,

pops out on the other side,

finds a transportation hub,

gets into a bus, the bus goes one way,

gets into a tram,

the tram goes the other way.

The bad guys turn the corner.

"There he is!"

The movie would be ten minutes long.

It would end with James Bond panting

in an alley.

"How did you find me?"

We would lose so many epic scenes...

like that moment where James reveals

his name.

Do you know that scene in the casino

we always wait for?

Him dressed in a tux,

playing a high-stakes game of baccarat.

You see Idris Elba walking over

to the bartender now

to place that iconic order.

"Bartender,

I'll take my martini shaken, not stirred.

The name's..."

"James Bond. I know."

"I'm sorry, mate, have we met?"

"No.

I just heard there was a spy in town.

Figured it was you."

"What gave me away?

Is it the way I dress?"

"Oh, there's just something about you."

"Something like what?"

"You know...

Hmm."

It'll be hard.

Scotland was so much fun.

Every day I was there, I felt like

I was learning something new.

I did learn something

that I wish to share with you,

and I hope you'll not suffer

the same ills I did.

If you do go to Scotland,

and you are ever offered a drink...

don't.

Because, you see, the Scottish,

unlike us--

We drink to enjoy.

The Scottish drink to die.

I used to think

the Scottish had an accent.

I've now learned that's just centuries

of people trying not to throw up.

That's all that is.

"All right. What you do...

You laddies never had that drink--

I made that mistake myself.

I was doing shows in Edinburgh.

And after one of the shows,

I left the venue and my friend Mick

was waiting for me backstage.

He was like, "How was your show?"

"It was good, Mick. How was yours?"

He's like, "Not too bad.

Me and the lads are going to the pub,

grab a drink. You wanna join us?"

I said, "No, I don't really drink, Mick.

I'm just gonna go home."

He's like, "It's not about drinking.

We're just gonna hang out, right?

Just grab a wee, little drink."

And that's where he got me.

Scottish people do that so well.

Just like, "A wee, little drink?"

Makes it sound harmless, doesn't it?

"Oh, just a wee, little drink?"

Sounds tiny. "Wee, little, drink.

Yeah, wee, little."

Nothing sounds dangerous like that.

Yeah, what happened in Nagasaki?

"Oh, they dropped a wee nuclear bomb."

Doesn't sound that bad.

He was like, "A wee, little drink."

I was like, "Let's have a wee,

little drink." So I joined him.

We went drinking.

I don't remember.

I do remember waking up the next day

in my bed,

partially dressed, shirt on the floor.

Pants still on.

Left shoe on.

Right shoe on the pillow beside me.

And my head pounding, pounding.

You know when you can hear you heart

beating inside your head?

I get up and I'm like,

"Oh, I feel horrible."

And as I stand up--

As I stand up, I could feel--

I could feel...

the vomit coming. I could feel it.

I could feel it, like...

It did that thing.

But I held it. I controlled that.

If there's one thing you should know

about me, it's I don't throw up.

Let's just get that straight.

I don't throw up. I control myself.

When I see people throwing up,

I'm like, "You're weak.

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