Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark Page #3

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"How dare you speak to me like that?

Do you know who I am?"

"No, because you never

introduced yourself."

"I have come here

representing Great Britain."

"And I have never heard of Great Britain.

Who gave you that name?"

"Well-- well, we did."

"You called yourselves 'great'?

Isn't that a little presumptuous?

Shouldn't you wait for other people

to tell you how great you are?

Shouldn't you just go around the world

and just do good things, good things?

Then people go, 'Oh, my God, Britain,

look how great you are!'"

"Well, I beg to differ. I believe we could

do it because we knew instinctively,

we are Great Britain!"

"Well, in that case,

welcome to Great India."

"No, it doesn't work like that!

How dare you speak to me like this!"

"You're the one who dares

to speak to me, okay?

I was here, minding my own business

in my land.

You came over here,

riding on your skinny cow,

telling me that things

are going to change.

I don't know who you are.

All I know is you are clearly crazy.

You're not feeling too right.

I didn't want to say anything,

but you look like you're going to faint.

In fact, it looks like you have died

last week. Okay?

Something is very wrong with your skin.

You're not looking good.

Maybe you should come down.

We have a curry, talk about this."

"What are you talking about?

I look quite normal!"

"You do not look normal.

I have never seen anybody

with that complexion in my life, okay?

You look like you're playing hide-and-seek

with the sun your entire life.

I don't know what is happening,

but that is not how a person should look.

I can see your veins pumping

through your skin right now.

You know how creepy that is?

Pumping, pumping, pumping.

If I was your doctor,

I don't need X-ray machine.

I go, 'What is problem? It is your kidney.

How do I know? Because you're translucent.

That is how I know.'"

"Damn you! We are going to run

this country whether you like it or not!"

"We are not going to do anything

you tell us. You're a madman."

"We are going to take it!"

"You're not taking--" "We're going--"

"She's all yours. Take, take.

You don't play nice. Take."

And that's how the British took over.

That's how they took over India.

And then, many, many years later,

the British,

after they were done pillaging,

left and went back home.

And so, it only stands to reason

that those Indians,

who they had now made British,

would seek out...

the land from whence they came.

I don't understand

why British people are complaining,

going, "Why are they coming here?

Why the hell are you coming here?!"

"Because you told us how great it was,

so we came to see for ourselves."

"No. Go back to where you came from!

Go back! You're not welcome here.

This is not your home."

"But you said we are all part

of the British Empire."

"When I said 'part,'

I meant you are under us.

We are the British. You are the empire."

"What do you mean?"

"We are the British,

and you are the empire."

"Okay, well, in that case,

the empire strikes back.

Now make some curry

and tell me where we're sitting.

Let's go, let go, let's go."

They can't complain.

They cannot complain.

If there's one nation in the world

that can't complain--

The truth is none of us

should be complaining.

When you think about it,

what people term "immigration"

just depends on your timeline.

Right? You're an immigrant.

When do you measure from?

Everyone is an immigrant from somewhere.

Whenever I see people have

those conversations in America:

"These damn immigrants coming over here.

These damn immigrants. Get out of here!"

I always wonder what Native Americans

must be thinking

when they are listening to the words

that are being said.

You know?

People confidently saying,

"This is not where they came from!

This is not their land!"

They're like, "Oh, tell me more."

"They need to go back

'cause this is not their home!"

"Oh, really?"

Everyone is an immigrant

in some way, you know.

When you travel, you see this.

I say that to people.

I'll go, "Travel the world."

If there's one thing you will never

waste your money on, it's traveling.

Travel the world.

See another place.

Discover a different point of view.

Traveling is the antidote to ignorance,

and that's so true.

It changes your mind, your perspective,

how you believe, what you believe.

And one of the greatest things

you can do when you travel

is traveling to a country

where they don't speak your language.

That's my favorite thing, going to a place

where they don't speak English,

just to make you realize

how insignificant you really are.

You're not the center of the universe.

There's another world

that exists beyond you.

I try and do that all the time.

I try my utmost.

I go to English-speaking countries,

but I try every now and again

to go to a country

where they speak no English.

Like, recently, I went to Scotland. Right?

And--

And again...

I had an amazing time.

The place was beautiful.

It was a different culture.

Rich in history.

They have the rolling highlands

of Scotland.

They've got these castles, beautiful,

perfectly preserved,

hundreds of years old.

In the streets, there's the men

playing the bagpipes, wearing the kilts.

No black people.

But not in a bad way. Not in a bad way.

Just in a matter-of-fact way, you know?

When I say there's no black people

in Scotland,

I just mean there's no black people.

There's a good way and a bad--

The good way is when you get there,

you're like, "There's no black people."

But some places you go, like,

"There's no black people." And that's--

You know what I mean?

That means some sh*t went down.

You can feel it when you get there.

Like Australia, there's no aborigines.

When you get there,

you're like, "Hey, Australia!

Wait, where's all the black people?"

They're like,

"Oh, I don't know. They left."

You can feel something went wrong.

Scotland doesn't have that, you know?

Scotland doesn't have black people

because they are further north.

Further north, there were no black people.

Not many black things further north.

The further north you go,

the whiter things become.

There's the people, Christmas, the bears.

Everything changes.

If you went to a Scottish person and said,

"Excuse me, sir. Are you racist?"

He'd be like,

"I don't know.

I never tried."

I had so much fun in Scotland.

I was in Glasgow for a week.

I was driving around in the back of a car.

Every single day,

I would try and spot black people.

It was a little game I played by myself.

Every day, I would just be there,

like, "Black person, black person...

Ah! No. Statue.

Black person, black person...

Ah! No. Reflection.

Black person, black person..."

No black people anywhere. None.

That's why I say traveling is important.

I'd never been to a place

where there were no black people before.

It actually made me realize

that there had been an issue

that I'd been grappling with for so long.

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