Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark Page #7

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I could keep it here."

"That's better.

Now, very important:

to be a first black president, your pacing

must... be... powerful.

Every word... must seem...

like the last...

you will ever speak."

"Wow, that's powerful, Mr. Mandela.

Let me try...

to speak like that.

Does that work?"

"That's good. Very good.

I can feel it.

Yes. Now, for the magic touch.

To be first black president,

you need to have the husk."

"No. More husky."

"That's it. You are getting it now."

"That's it. I think you've got it.

Now, repeat after me.

America."

"America."

"No. The husk. Bring the husk back.

America."

-"America."

-"America."

"America."

"America."

-"America."

-"Yes! I can feel it.

Say, 'This is my country.'"

-"This is my country."

-"Yes!

-This is my dream!"

-"This is my dream."

"Yes, I can feel it."

You are going to be

the first black president."

"I don't know. Do you think we can do it?"

-"Yes, we can."

-"Yes, we can."

-"Yes, we can."

-"Yes, we can."

-"Yes, we can."

-"Yes, we can."

"Ha ha! You've got it right.

Now, go get them, my nigga."

I'd like to think that's how it went down.

It's crazy and frightening

when you think about how

just the way you speak

can determine and change

your path in life.

We still do it today.

It's the reason half of the world

has immigrant problems.

It's not really immigrant problems.

It's the fear of something different.

When people say they don't like

immigrants, most of the time,

they're not referring to immigrants

who look and sound like them.

They're talking about immigrants

who speak differently, who look different.

You know,

'cause an accent comes with a connotation.

You think you know if someone is smart

or stupid because of their accent.

And yet, an accent

is not a measure of intelligence.

It's just someone speaking your language

with the rules of theirs.

Accents have connotations.

We cannot deny it.

Look at the French. We all believe

that the French are romantic.

Why? Because of their accent.

They've got that thing.

"I was thinking that maybe we could--

how you say-- afterwards,

maybe we could try to..."

"Oh, my God, he's so sexy. Oh, my God."

Accents determine how we see people.

Same thing happens with the Russians.

The Russians,

the most feared people on the planet.

Why? Because of how they speak.

I don't care who you are, you cannot deny

that when a Russian speaks,

you are not comfortable.

As soon as they open their mouths:

"Yeah. Going to kill you, break you.

I'll destroy your family."

Even if they say nice things,

it still sounds menacing and dangerous.

"Yeah, fluffy rabbits and teddy bears.

Happy Valentine's Day."

Sounds like a threat.

You don't mess with Russians.

I don't care who you are, where you are,

you do not mess with the Russians

because of that accent.

All of us in the world

are afraid of the Russians.

They do that thing when they speak.

Strikes fear into the hearts of men.

And you see it every single day.

Look what happened at the Olympics.

We found out the Russians have been doping

for the last four or five Olympics.

Olympic Committee banned them,

confidently as well.

While they were in Zurich.

"We here at the Olympic Committee

feel that the Russians may no longer

participate in the Olympic Games

to their doping practices.

And they are now hereby uninvited

from the Games in Rio

and banned hitherto into the future.

Thank you very much."

And the Russians were like,

"What did you say?"

"The truth is, you know,

the Olympics is for everybody.

You can come when you want to.

I mean, who am I to ban you, ja?

This is for all of us.

Okay. I see you in Rio.

Okay. Auf wiedersehen. Bye-bye."

Everyone's afraid of the Russians.

You see it when it comes to geopolitics.

Look at what happened in the Ukraine.

Russia took a piece of another country.

Annexed Crimea. No provocation, no reason.

Out of nowhere, the Russians

were just like, "Yeah. I like."

And the whole world, what did we do?

You don't mess with the Russians.

Most frightening people in the world.

You know how I know this?

You know how I've learned?

Because I've learned how to use

the Russian accent for myself.

I've learned how to harness that energy

and use it for good.

I'll share this with you, I don't mind.

I, uh--

I'm not particularly comfortable

in the house at night by myself.

What I'm trying to say

is I'm afraid of the dark.

And I know it's stupid

to be afraid of the dark, right?

Because there's nothing there,

nine times out of ten.

But what happens is, I'll be sleeping.

And in the middle of the night,

I'll be woken up by the need to pee.

And whenever that happens,

I'm always faced with the eternal dilemma.

When I go to the bathroom,

do I turn the lights on and lose my sleep?

Or do I leave the lights off

and sh*t myself?

I never know which one to go with.

But what I started doing now

is I leave the lights off.

And when I go the bathroom, I just speak

to myself in a Russian accent.

It sounds crazy, but I feel safe.

I feel like I'm the most dangerous thing

in the night.

You'll find me at three a.m.,

barefoot, walking to the toilet,

like, "Yes.

Big boy got to make a pee-pee.

No trouble over here. It's potty time."

I feel safe, like even if there's

a monster under the bed,

he'd be like, "Is that a Russian?"

There's just something

about that Russian accent.

Ladies, every single one of you

needs to learn the Russian accent.

You read stories all the time.

I talk to my female friends all the time,

my family members,

and women are constantly under assault.

Women are living a life

of being vulnerable.

Walking through the streets,

men catcalling.

In the office place, people groping.

Feeling like they have ownership

of the female form.

I know we can't solve this tomorrow,

but if you learn the Russian accent,

half of those problems would disappear.

The next time you're

in a compromising position,

you're at a bar,

waiting for your drink.

That creepy guy comes up

and starts grinding on you from behind.

"Hey, how are you?

Hey, you want to dance?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you.

I'm just getting a drink. I don't--"

"Come on, dance with me, girl."

"I'm fine. I don't wanna dance. Thank you.

I'm waiting for my friends. I'm good."

"Come on. I know you want me

You know I want you Come on!

I know you want me "

"I don't want dance with you. Please!"

"Hey, you don't gotta be such a b*tch!"

Whenever that happens, ladies,

don't be afraid, don't stress.

Just whip out your Russian

and kill it dead.

As soon as he says,

"Don't be such a b*tch!"

Just be like...

"You want to see b*tch?"

Done.

Sober up and walk away.

Use it for anything, ladies.

Anything. At work, in the streets.

Use it at home.

Doesn't have to be life-or-death,

could be a mild annoyance. Yeah.

Next time you're in bed.

You're trying to sleep,

but you can't because there's

this horny little rabbit behind you...

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