Trevor Noah: Afraid of the Dark Page #8

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dry-humping your back.

You know the nights I'm talking about.

Everyone in this room knows the nights

I'm talking about.

Ladies, you're dog-tired,

you just want to fall asleep.

And he's there behind you.

"Baby.

Baby.

Baby.

Baby."

"What?"

"Are you sleeping?"

"Yeah, I'm trying. What do you want?"

"I want you, baby.

I've wanted you all night.

Oh, I want you so bad.

You look so good right now.

In that nightgown and your curlers, girl.

I just want you so bad right now."

"Oh, baby.

Thank you for thinking I'm beautiful

even though I'm in my curlers,

but, please, can we talk

about this tomorrow?

I'm so tired. Baby, aren't you tired?"

"I'm never tired for you, girl.

I want you right now."

"Oh, baby, please. Let's do this tomorrow.

Please, I'm so tired.

I just want to sleep."

"It's fine. You can sleep.

I don't mind."

"No, I'm not gonna--"

Yo, for real, ladies, can I just say,

men are creeps.

On behalf of all men, I apologize,

because we are disgusting creeps.

Every single one of us.

"No, I'm not gonna sleep.

What's wrong with you?

What are you talking about?"

"What do you mean?

I want you, is that so bad?"

"I'm just tired."

"You said when we left the show,

'That was fun, we had a good time.'

Then we're driving home. You were like,

'I can't wait to get you back.'"

"I know I said that, and I did,

I wanted to. But then I got into bed.

I didn't even realize how tired I was.

Baby, please. I promise you I'm not--"

"You do this to me all the time.

What am I supposed to do now?

Look at me. Do you know how hard it is

to have blue balls, how painful this is?

What am I supposed to do now with this?"

I love how guys talk about an erection

like it's something bought at the store

and we can't return.

Then he says,

"What am I supposed to do with this?

I've opened it. I can't take it back. Huh?

What am I supposed to do with this?"

Whenever that happens,

you aren't fighting the man,

you're fighting his horniness.

It's gonna turn into a fight

that's gonna spoil your week,

maybe your month. Don't let it happen.

Just get your Russian out

and kill it dead.

As soon as he starts losing it--

"You're doing this all the time.

You reject me. I just want you."

And just be like, "Okay, okay.

Show me what penis can do. Let's go.

Make action, lover boy."

Done.

Problem solved.

Even the penis will be like,

"You know what, you're right.

I told him, but he wouldn't listen to me.

I don't know how we got to this point.

Because what happened was he called me.

'Come out, there's a party.' I came out.

I was like, 'You're sleeping?'

He's like, 'I'll wake her up.'

I was like, 'Don't wake her up.'

You know me. I don't wake you.

I'm here five times a night.

I've never woken you.

I don't know why he woke you up.

I'm gonna be chilling.

I had some stuff to do. Go back to bed.

Because I respect you. I have paperwork

that I'm handling in my office.

If you need me, you know where to find me.

He shouldn't have done that.

I want to apologize,

'cause I don't think you should be

in a situation

where a man is pressuring you."

Done.

Kill it dead, ladies.

All you need is that Russian accent.

The most dangerous accent in the world.

And yet... yet...

strangely enough...

I found the Russian language

does not make me fear at all.

Strangest discovery I made.

The Russian accent... makes me fear.

The Russian language does not.

Because a language is something

someone else speaks.

An accent is me interpreting

how they're using mine.

It's a completely different thing.

I was walking through the streets.

There was a man on the phone, Russian guy,

speaking to someone in English.

Sounded like he was setting up

a drug deal.

Then he switched into Russian.

The strangest thing happened in my brain.

And he was like, "Vlad. The guys

got to be there at three o'clock.

Tell me when you get the package.

Afterwards, I got to let you know--

No, Vlad. No, listen. Vlad, Vlad.

Vlad, nyet, nyet, Vlad."

That was the weirdest thing in my head.

In my head, he instantly went

from international criminal

to immigrant instantly.

I wasn't afraid anymore.

It was the strangest thing.

He was just a normal person in my mind,

because Russian doesn't frighten me.

If anything, Russian just sounds

like a DJ is scratching on a turntable.

That's all I hear when I hear Russian,

like a DJ took a turntable.

They're scratching English like, "Vlad,

the guys got to be there at three o'clock.

You got to let me know

when you get the package.

Afterwards, the guy's got to call me.

Don't worry about that.

I'll let you know. No, Vlad. Listen, Vlad.

Russian. That's all I'm hearing.

New York, you guys have been amazing.

Thank you so much for coming out.

I had a great time with all of you.

You just made one of my dreams come true.

Thank you to every single one

of you that came tonight.

Thank you. Good night.

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