Trevor Noah: Lost in Translation Page #2

in Los Angeles.

So I had a little rental car

and I'm driving on the freeway

and this police car

pulls up behind me.

And he drives behind me

for a little bit

and then he flashes his lights.

And I was like, "Oh,

he probably wants to go past."

And so I moved over

to the middle lane

and then he came with me

and he flashed his lights again.

And I was like, "Oh, come on,

just go past me, man.

Just go past me, man."

And I went back to the fast

lane, he came back with me.

And he hit--flash the lights,

and this time it was like,

whoop, whoop, whoop,

whoop, whoop.

And I was like, "Yeah, go past.

You keep coming with me.

Go past." 'Cause I didn't think

he was stopping me.

I thought it was basically

the vehicular equivalent

of that moment on the sidewalk

when you both don't know

which way to go.

I thought we were doing that

with our cars,

like, "Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, all right. Ahh."

I thought that was happening.

I thought that was happening.

And clearly he thought

that I was evading him

in the most polite manner ever,

because he gets irritated,

and he's like, "Pull over

to the side of the road, sir."

Whoop, whoop.

"Pull over

to the side of the road now."

Now, I couldn't hear

what the hell he was saying.

I'm not gonna--Which I think

is part of the problem.

I don't think it's fair

that police have speakers

on their cars and we don't.

I think this is

a recipe for disaster.

That's the first step

in mending relationships

is communication, people.

I don't know what the hell

that guy was saying,

but I couldn't tell him.

He was like,

"Pull over to the side of the

road [indistinct mumbling]."

If I had a speaker, I would have

had the ability to be like,

"Sir, I cannot hear

what you're saying.

"Enunciate your words, please.

Enunciate your words.

Speak clearly."

"I said, pull over [mumbles]."

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.

"No, no, use your words, buddy,

use your words.

Talk to me. Talk to me.

What do you need?"

"Pull over, pull over."

I'd be like,

"Okay, I will be pulling over

right now. Thank you very much."

Like, it would be more

effective, but I didn't know.

So I'm--and he's like,

"Pull over [mumbles]."

I'm like, "I don't know what

the hell you want."

"Pull over to the side

of the road [mumbles]."

I'm like,

"What are you talking about?"

He's like,

"Pull over! Pull over!"

And I panicked,

and so I stopped. I pulled over.

Right there where I was

on the freeway, which apparently

you're not supposed to do.

I didn't know this,

'cause I just know that police

tell me to do something,

I do it. So he said,

"Pull over," and then I stopped.

and then he was like,

"Don't pull over there."

Then I was like, "Well, you

should have been more specific.

You can't tell me to pull over

and then tell me not pull over.

You should've said pull over at

a time that is more appropriate.

You can't just tell--

Now I'm panicking.

He's like,

"Get back onto the road."

I'm like, "This guy does not

know what he wants. I'm--"

Now, I'm back on the road.

He's like,

"Take the next exit."

And now, we're driving

and now he's guiding me along.

It's like I had

a really angry GPS.

It was the weirdest thing ever.

And, so he's driving me like,

Make a right at the light.

Make a right."

It's like I chose angry cop

on my Waze.

That's what it felt like.

He was like, "Turn left.

No, I said left. Turn left."

No, recalculating.

When it is safe, Mickey."

[laughter]

And so finally--

finally we stopped.

We stop, I pull over

on the side of the road.

He pulls over behind me

and he gets out of the car,

and I'm shitting myself.

As he gets out, he goes,

"Keep your hands

where I can see them!"

I'm like, "I don't know

what you can see or not see.

"I don't know.

"These are very

vague instructions.

I don't know what you can't"--

So now, I'm doing this.

'Cause I don't know

what you can see or not.

I was--

Like, don't get me wrong.

I just--

You know what the thing is.

I just don't want to die.

That's all, I don't--

I just don't want to die.

And I know I don't look like--

but I'm not the dying type.

I really--I'm not.

Like, I'm a chill-out guy

who likes living.

I don't want to die,

and the worst thing is

I don't know how not to die.

That's the thing.

I don't know how not to die.

'Cause every day,

I turn on the TV it seems like

another black person

is being shot.

So I just want to know

how not to get shot, you know?

I try and learn, I really do.

I try and learn, you know?

It all started in the lower--

in the lower echelons

of enforcement, community watch,

George Zimmerman, shot Trayvon,

the young boy.

And the story started off

with "Man shoots boy."

Everyone was like,

"Yeah, this is horrible.

This is disgusting."

But then the news, for some

strange reason, the next day

they just forget and then they

start asking other questions.

"Well, why was he wearing

a hoodie?

What was he doing, and why

was he wearing a hoodie?"

I was like, "Oh, is that--so

that's--so don't wear a hoodie."

That's what it is, the hoodie.

It's very frightening.

You don't know

what's going on under there.

Yeah, we've all seen

"Star Wars."

It's the creepiest thing ever.

Yeah, yeah.

It's the dark side.

And so I was like,

oh, if I don't wear a hoodie

then I'm safe.

No one's gonna shoot me

if I don't wear a hoodie.

you cut forward,

and then the next thing you know

it's Mike Brown in Ferguson,

and he gets shot by the police.

Unarmed, gets shot.

You know, like a man was unarmed

and he got shot,

and I was like,

"Oh, this is disgusting."

And they said, "But also,

he approached the police officer

"apparently, and he may or may

not have scuffled with him.

We don't know,

but he approached him."

And I was like, okay, okay,

don't wear a hoodie

and don't approach the police.

Don't go towards the police.

You see police,

you go the other way.

You got the other way from--

Okay, cool. I got it.

So no hoodies,

no approaching the police.

This is it, I'm learning.

I'm learning. This is--

But then--but then the next guy

comes on the news,

Eric Garner

in New York City.

And there he is,

he's standing and the police,

they apprehend him

and they start choking him.

He doesn't go towards them.

He doesn't--

He's standing there

with his arms up,

and he gets choked to death

by six policemen.

And then they come on the news

and they say--and they go,

"Well, you gotta understand,

for these police, I mean,

"this was a--

this was a pretty big guy.

"He was a pretty big guy.

He was scary.

He was a really scary,

big black guy."

And I'm like, "Okay, cool.

So don't be a big black guy

"and then you should be fine.

Don't be a big black guy

and then I should"--

And every day I look in the

mirror and I'm like, "Good job."

And I'm like,

"Okay, fine, fine."

Okay, so don't wear a hoodie.

Don't wear your hoodie

and don't approach the policemen

and don't be a big black man.

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