Trevor Noah: Lost in Translation Page #4

I was like, "Well, thank you

very much, Mr. Officer,

"for noticing this bad boy

right here.

That's right, 2015, baby."

I was really excited.

He was more freaked out, though,

'cause I--'cause I said to him,

I said, "Is it because

I'm black?"

And then he did this thing

that I've come to learn

is the reaction of white people

in America

who, when they hear information

they can't process fast enough,

have this--this thing

where they smile on the outside,

but on the inside, it's almost

as if they're short-circuiting.

[laughter]

Like, he looks at me and he

goes, "I'm--I'm sorry, what?"

I said, "Because I'm black,

that's why you pulled me over."

And he goes, "Uh, no.

Hey, no, no. Hey, we--

"No, that--that is not--that--

No. No. Hey, um, who--

I don't--I don't--No.

No, that is not why--"

[stutters]

[imitates explosion]

I felt so bad for him.

Yeah, I think we both

learned a lot that day.

The two of us grew

from that experience.

Yeah.

I was speeding,

that's why he pulled me over.

[laughter]

Yeah.

But he let me go.

Fear.

I'm having a great time,

I really am.

I'm not getting speeding fines,

enjoying my time out here.

Some of you may or may not know,

I got a job.

This is fantastic for me.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, yeah.

[cheers and applause]

That's--and that's--

That's how my grandmother

put it, funny enough.

I phoned my grandmother to tell

her that I'd be working

on "The Daily Show,"

and she was really excited.

She was like, "Whoo, Trevor!

"I'm so happy for you!

Well done. You got a job."

I said, "No, no, Granny,

I already had a job."

And she's like, "No, you didn't.

Did you have an office?"

I said, "No."

She's like,

"Then it wasn't a job."

That's all she cares about.

My mom was a bit better.

I called her to tell her

the news,

and to give you a bit

of a backstory,

I've got two younger brothers.

Right, so one brother

is nine years younger than me,

and then the youngest is

20 years younger than me, right.

And so the youngest just became

one of the student council

members in his school, right.

So he got onto

the student council.

So I phoned my mom

to tell her my good news.

I'm on the phone with her

and I'm like, "Oh, Mom,

I don't know if you heard, I'm

gonna be on 'The Daily Show.'"

And she's like, "Oh, my baby,

I'm so excited.

"Oh, praise Jesus,

this is wonderful.

"Well done, baby.

I'm so happy for you.

And did you hear what happened

to your brother?"

I'm like, "No, what happened?"

"Oh, he's on the student council

at his school.

"Oh, I'm so excited.

"Both my boys are doing

big things in the world.

I'm so happy. Oh!"

[cheers and applause]

And I was like, "Yeah, some

things are bigger than others."

[laughter]

She's like,

"No, it's all the same."

I was like, "You say that,

but I mean, you know.

Come on, you know."

[laughs]

She's like, "Okay, fine, fine.

You were never student council.

So let's cheer for him."

I'm like, "What?"

It was a wonderful experience.

Changed my life completely.

Come into the U.S., feel like

people are smiling at me more.

Might just be my imagination.

'Cause I noticed at the airports

when I've been flying in,

probably a combination

of--of my job

and the fact that

the Ebola crisis is now past.

That was probably the worst--

the worst time ever

is flying into America

as an African

during the Ebola crisis.

It was the craziest thing

I've ever seen in an airport.

You'd walk in,

there'd be tension.

They'd usher everybody

into a special quarantine area.

Ask you questions, questions

that they don't normally ask.

The number one question they

always asked was,

"Sir, have you been in contact

with Ebola?"

They'd always ask, "Sir, have

you been in contact with Ebola?"

I love--I love the sincerity

of the question.

Like there was a chance

my answer could be, "Yes.

And next stop, Disney World."

[laughter]

[laughs]

Like, what kind of person

do you think I am

that I'd still be embarking

on a journey

having knowingly been in contact

with the most deadly disease

on the planet?

Like, who do you think I am that

I'd be there like,

"[coughs]

"I don't care!

"Booking.com has

a zero refund policy.

"I'm going to Disney World

even if it kills me,

"Mickey Mouse,

and everybody else.

I'm going!"

"Have you been in contact

with Ebola?"

And they always say that

like Ebola was like

a distant relative.

I love the phrasing. "Have you

been in contact with Ebola?"

"Yeah, I spoke to him last week.

He's doing well, eh.

Thank you very much for asking."

Ebola made flying a nightmare.

One of the worst flights,

I was coming from

Johannesburg, South Africa,

going to San Francisco.

Flew and then because

the distance of the flight,

you have to stop over

in Washington,

and they change over

your flight,

so you go on to another plane,

and then that plane

takes you to San Francisco.

And when we were

changing planes,

when we were switching over,

the air hostess

on the second plane

tells the passengers that

Africans are coming on board.

Right, and so because of this,

they're gonna be spraying the

cabin with a light pesticide.

Right. No, I understand.

Like, when people are afraid,

they do stupid things.

I get it.

But what I didn't understand was

why she told them this

as we were boarding the plane.

[laughter]

Have the decency

to speak behind our backs.

'Cause we're walking

onto the aircraft

and she takes

her little microphone,

she goes, "Ladies and gentlemen,

"please note we have

some passengers joining us

"from the South African flight.

They're coming from Africa.

"If everybody could please

stay in their seats

"as these passengers

find their place.

"We're gonna be spraying the

cabin with a light pesticide

"due to the Ebola crisis.

"And feel free to cover your

nose, eyes, ears, and mouth.

"The pesticide shouldn't be

harmful, but it may be.

"So if everybody would

just cover up, and we'll be

"coming down shortly

as everybody takes their place.

Thank you very much."

She says this

as we board the plane.

This is our introduction,

"Ebola crisis."

And we're there like,

"Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hello, hello, hi."

Do you know how hard it is

to find a seat in a plane

with people that think

you're bringing them death?

Do you know how hard it--

Like, you're sitting there

and everyone, you go--

It almost felt like that scene

from "Forrest Gump."

Like, as I'm walking

down the plane,

people were like, "Mnh-mnh.

You can't sit here, no space."

You're just walking down trying

to find your Jenny.

[laughter]

Finally, everyone's seated.

We take off,

plane heads out

to San Francisco.

And it was by far

the most tense flight

I have ever been on.

I coughed once.

[laughter]

The plane shook.

It wasn't even a bad cough.

It was just like

a little tickle.

I was just like,

[coughs]

The guy opposite me was like,

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