Trevor Noah: Lost in Translation Page #8

"No, it's all challah.

"You can eat it.

Don't worry, you can eat it.

"You can eat it.

[indistinct]

Stupid."

There's a small chance

that could happen.

And that's why I do it.

[cheers and applause]

I'll do anything

that makes my flying experience

a little bit more comfortable.

Ah, you guys are fun, man.

You really are.

Thank you very much

for coming out.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[cheers and applause]

I really appreciate it.

It means the world to me.

And I mean that, literally,

it means the world to me.

Stand-up comedy changed my life

forever.

I don't think I would have ever

had the opportunity to travel.

Grew up in Soweto

in South Africa.

[cheers and applause]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I didn't choose it,

but thank you.

[laughter]

I don't say it in like a--

like a sob story way, you know.

'Cause everyone was poor

in Soweto,

which was cool, you know.

Like, when everyone's poor

together, it's cool.

It's fine, yeah.

'Cause you don't feel it

as much.

It's not like anyone can tease

you and be like,

"Ha ha, you are poor."

"Yeah, so are you."

"Ah, this sucks."

But I would--I probably never

would have traveled the world

were it not for stand-up comedy,

you know.

I'm the first person

in my family

to ever board an airplane.

First person in my family to

ever get kicked off an airplane.

I would have never--I would have

never learned about America.

I would have never come out to

places like Washington, D.C.

I would have never learned

to travel

on the other side of the road.

I would have never learned about

charming racism

had I not come to

this beautiful country, yeah.

Probably something

that changed my life forever,

charming racism.

Classic American

charming racism.

[laughter]

I never knew there was

such a thing, growing up.

And I thought

I knew all about racism.

I was, you know,

coming from the home

of some of the best racism

in the world.

No, and I don't mean to brag,

but South Africa is, by far--

Like--like we've got--we've got

top quality racism out there.

Like, it's handcrafted.

You don't get racism like that

anymore.

Like, I've seen racism

all over the world.

To be honest,

the standards have dropped.

It's not what it used to be.

Like, I'm--I'm talking about

quality racism, you know.

Now, it's cheap

and mass-produced,

probably made in China now.

I'm talking about real racism.

And America showed me,

showed me a wonderful, new type.

You know, I've always considered

myself a racism connoisseur.

I appreciate the finer racisms

in life.

Not all racisms,

don't get me wrong.

I have my favorites.

I have my not-so-favorites.

You know, like, blatant racism,

I love.

I love blatant racism.

You know exactly where you stand

with the person.

It's often old people that

exhibit blatant racism.

Yeah, they tell you

exactly how they feel.

"This is what I think

about you."

And you're like, "Yeah,

and you're gonna die soon."

I love this.

We shared.

There's racisms I don't

particularly care for,

like subtle racism I don't like.

Really don't like subtle--

You know where people don't tell

you they're racists.

They just leave a series

of clues,

hope you'll figure it out

for yourself.

I hate that,

who'll say things like,

"We don't need your people

around here."

"Who?"

"Your people."

"Tall people?"

"No, damn it, your people."

"Friendly people?"

"No, I'm talking about your--"

"Well, I'm not gonna help you.

Say it.

"If you believe it so much,

say it.

"Have the balls, stand behind

your convictions. Say it.

"Don't leave a series of clues,

and now I'm working this out.

"What is this, racism sudoku?

Are you serious?

Just--just say it. Be proud."

But don't justify it.

Rather embrace it, be blatant.

Or be American and be charming.

I discovered charming racism

in a place called

Lexington, Kentucky.

[laughter]

I don't know if you've ever

been, but you really need to go.

It's a beautiful place.

Old-school charming racism

with a smile

and the tip of a hat.

Everyone in Lexington had

this vibe, this smile,

the charm, the drawl--

Oh, the Southern drawl,

I love it so much, the way

they would speak out there.

The grammar's horrible,

but it's still beautiful.

Well, 'cause the sentences

don't really make sense.

They'd be like, "Y'all ain't

never done gone see none

of them out"--and it's like,

that's--that's--

That's not English.

Your autocorrect is broken.

I don't know what that is,

but it's--but it's beautiful.

You know, in fact,

when they speak really fast,

sometimes it sounds like

somebody's playing a banjo

inside their mouths, that's--

That's what it sounds like

to me.

I asked two men for directions,

and this--They started arguing.

It was the most beautiful sound

I've ever heard in my life.

The guy was like,

"Where you goin', boy?"

I said, "I'm going to the--to

the theater. Can you direct me?"

He said, "Y'all get on the

[indecipherable accent] road.

[indecipherable accent]

that way."

The friend was like,

"No, [indecipherable accent]."

"[indecipherable accent]."

"[indecipherable accent]."

It was almost--

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

It sounded like someone started

a Mumford & Sons concert

in their mouth, 'cause one

minute they were talking

and then they got into it

and the guy was like,

"[indecipherable accent]."

"[indecipherable accent]."

" [indecipherable]"

" [indecipherable]"

" [indecipherable]"

[continues singsong

indecipherable speech]

[indecipherable] that way

[cheers and applause]

N*gger.

[laughter]

[sighs]

The reason I'll never forget

Lexington, though,

is because I met a woman

out there.

A gorgeous, gorgeous woman.

I'll never forget her

till the day I die.

She walks into the lobby

of the theater

where I was standing

with some friends,

and she was absolutely stunning.

A classic Southern belle.

She had long, big blond hair,

giant b*obs.

[laughter]

She strutted her stuff

into the lobby,

pushing people out of the way.

She made her way straight

for me, straight for me.

Came to me, pointed me

in the face, and she was like,

"Excuse me, baby.

Excuse me, honey.

May I chat to you for a moment,

please?"

I said, "Yes, of course.

Hi, hi. How are you?

How are you, ma'am?"

She said, "Honey,

I just want to let you know

"that you are by far

the funniest

and handsomest n*gger

I done ever seen!"

[laughter]

And I was like, "What?"

I was so shocked.

'Cause isn't it "most handsome,"

not "handsomest"?

[laughter]

Their grammar

is just crazy, man.

No, you guys have been

too much fun.

Thank you so much

for coming out tonight.

I had a great time with you.

Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

[jazz music]

[cheers and applause]

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