Tripping The Rift: The Movie Page #6

Nix the prison b*tch talk.

Here come the local natives.

Hi, there, neighbors.

We noticed you moving in.

I'm Sue Anne.

I'm Danielle.

And I'm horny.

Sue Anne, Danielle, Horny.

I'm Ch...

Chance.

I'm Chance.

They're a bunch

of nobody-losers

who cannot hold any

possible interest for you.

Chance, I was wondering.

Have you seen my p*ssy?

No, but the night

is still young.

Chance!

Here it is.

Chance? What do you

think of my hooters?

They're magnificent.

Chance!

No, silly, up there.

Hey! Want to see my ass?

You have a donkey?

No. An ass.

Why don't you all kiss it!

Whoa! I've seen smaller

cracks on a fault line.

I virtually threw myself

at that miserable

mauve motherf***er,

and he still hasn't

come sniffing around.

Perhaps I was too subtle.

Yeah.

"Have you seen my p*ssy?"

Really subtle.

If you insist on

jumping his bones,

why don't you throw

a "welcome to the

neighborhood" party?

Hey, that's a great idea.

Where? When?

Why not here, tonight?

I have an idea.

Ron always liked my

Lobster Thermador.

All I need is 3 pounds

of cheddar cheese,

nutmeg, six bottles

of dry white wine,

a dozen lobsters,

and 30 gallons

of boiling water.

Is it any wonder

why her husband

had a f***ing heart attack?

I hear the dead woman's

husband next door left town.

Smart guy.

Aren't you curious as to

why she killed herself?

We should take a look around.

Geez, why don't you

marry a Spice Girl

and sign for the L.A. Galaxy?

Oh, dear. Now I'll have to climb

over the fence

and get it back.

If I stay around

here much longer,

I'm going to kill something.

If you don't stay,

you might be the

one getting killed.

I'm willing to re-enter

the civilized world

and take my chances.

There's no way that

assassin will ever find me,

and if he does,

I'll kick his ass!

It's the babe from

across the street.

Hello again, Chance.

I've just dropped

by to invite you

over for a welcoming party.

One moment.

I'll consult my friends.

Please, Six!

Let me go. I'll be good.

I promise. Please!

It'll be safer

if we come along.

Thank you.

Are my friends invited?

If they're not, who cares?

I'll just tell them they

are and ditch them later.

Of course they're invited

except for the ugly fat

one with the big ass.

Deal! What time

should we be there?

Anytime you're ready.

The front door is always open,

or you can go

around to the back

and enter that way.

And don't worry.

We're harmless.

"They are all stupid, shallow,

"and I believe quite insane.

I fear for my life."

Holy sh*t!

Those crazy

housewives killed her!

Hey, you'll never...

Damn!

Don't forget to

use your aliases.

Hi, neighbors.

Glad you could make

our little party.

Come on in.

And no hanky panky.

I promise.

Are you crossing your fingers?

Of course not.

So! Throw a party

and not invite me?

Well, nobody kisses

off Deirdre Clit

and gets away with it.

Yes. I think I have.

Look who's here, everyone.

Our new neighbors.

Hi, Chance.

We didn't catch yournames.

Hi, ladies. I'm Wally.

Who cares?

I'm Seven.

We all lie about

our ages, honey,

but aren't you

stretching it a bit?

And I'm Guffman.

I'm a 500k model.

You shouldn't sell

yourself short, Guffman.

Danielle used to be a model,

and she'd charge a

lot more than 500K.

I beg your pardon.

I'll get it!

Can I get you guys a drink?

Tie me to the bedpost.

That's vodka,

rum, melon liquor,

and sour mix, right?

No, tie me to the

bedpost. Really.

I'm looking for my friends.

I don't believe

you were invited.

Oh, my God! I'm too late!

What have you done,

you crazy b*tch!

Get a grip, Cujo!

What are you talking about?

Quit blowing smoke up my ass.

I heard a scream.

It's the lobsters.

I just put them in the water.

Yeah? Then where's Chance?

Strange. He and Sue Anne

were here a moment a...

Chance? You

better not be doing

what I think you're doing.

Whoa!

Come on, get 'em off,

you sexy orb of

purple Play-Doh.

I'm trying!

But you'll have to

remove that finger first.

Chance? Where are you?

I can't be found like this!

What is it with that woman?

She's just jealous.

I mean, who could blame her.

Quick, think up a story.

Where is he?

I don't know what you mean.

I just came in

here for a lie-down.

My menstrual cramps

hurt like hell.

Hey, sweetheart.

Looking for a little action?

Chode? Is that you?

Forget Chode, baby.

He can't do with his

tongue what I can.

Whip! You're drunk.

Not that drunk.

And this was me at the

office a few years ago.

I was high up on

the corporate ladder.

You were a window cleaner?

That was before John

suggested that I quit

and become a full-time

housewife and mother.

How considerate.

After all, those are the most

precious days of a woman's life.

I hated the bastard for it,

and I wish he'd been

run over by a bus.

I couldn't agree more.

And these are the twins.

They are so adorable.

No, they're not.

They're ignorant, stupid,

and don't do a

word I tell them to.

Have you tried disciple?

Why, Guffman, you naughty boy!

And...that's how

you do the fox trot.

Now, the waltz is something

completely different.

Not so rough!

Quick! We have to

get out of here!

They killed their neighbor,

and we could be next!

I don't believe it.

Less than two hours to

go to my birthday bash,

and Six insists

I mow the lawn.

Soft fleshy snatch,

silicone snatch.

So what? Women

are all the same.

Not getting into Chance's

pants was bad enough,

but lobster three times

a day for the next month?

Give me a break. What's

going on over there?

Oh, my Lord! It's

a man with a gun!

And he's pointing

it at Chance!

He's kinda cute.

Damn! Here comes

that whore Deirdre.

I saw him first.

Back off, b*tch!

This one's mine.

Stop scratching! There's

enough here for all of us.

That's it. I've had enough.

We're out of here.

Look at them.

They'll screw

anything that moves.

But they didn't kill me,

and I wasn't referring

to them in my journal.

I was talking about

that bunch of foreigners

who moved in next door to me.

My friends are right.

I am a paranoid,

bigoted, irrational snob.

And yes, I shot myself.

I mean, who wants to live

next to stupid

a**holes like that?

I just got charged 200

at the door for admission.

What a rip-off!

This party sucks!

I said charge everybody

Except that sexy

little clown over there.

Her drinks are free.

I want her nice

and loosey-goosey.

Thanks, Babette. For what?

For the birthday bang you're

going to give me tonight.

Dream on, you

bloated sack of sh*t!

That's what you think.

What?

I said have another drink.

What do you mean

you have no intention

of deprogramming that android?

Read my lips. Chode is toast.

But he promised not to f...

Have sex with Babette.

Yeah, and he better not.

But if you think I'm going

to call off the Arnie,

you're out of your

friggin' minds.

Why should I?

This is my chance to get rid

of Chode once and for all!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I just gotta check out

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