Tripping The Rift: The Movie Page #5

Now, all I have

to do is figure out

how this key is going

to lead me to it.

Probably got some kind

of magical element.

An ancient spell...

Hey! Look! There's a

little red button here.

I just got chill bumps.

Here you are, sir. The

key to the treasure.

This isn't the key to the

treasure, you dunderfuck!

What are you

waiting for, Chode?

Stick it in.

Gus, promise you'll never

say that to me again.

Two minutes till the

annihilation of Pyridia.

Holy sh*t! The f***ing

thing's booby trapped!

The treasure! The

f***ing treasure!

It's all yours!

Sh*t!

Good news, Chode.

The radio is back

up and running,

and I've made contact

with the others.

We'll join them

in next to no time.

Don't be so depressed.

You may have missed

out on the treasure,

but you'll always have

us, you faithful crew.

You really know how rub salt

in the old wounds, don't you?

Where were you two?

On your honeymoon?

Don't ask. Any

sign of that clown?

I think we've given it

the slip, Uncle Chode.

And what the hell were

you doing on my ship?

I beamed myself aboard.

The dude at the

transporter boutique

wasn't in much shape

to do it himself.

I don't get it.

Who is that crazy clown,

and why is he trying

to kill Uncle Chode?

You're not going to

believe me if I tell you.

Try us, kid.

The other night,

my folks were in bed talking.

I was listening by the wall.

My dad had just...

Do you always listen

to your parents

when they're in bed,

you little pervert?

Well, I...

Hey! Do you want to

hear my story or not?

Yeah. Button your pie hole,

T'nuk. Let the kid speak.

Like I said, my

dad had just...

Were they talking dirty?

You know, using words

like cornhole, ream, suck?

Listen up! My dad had just

returned from Bobo's mansion,

he'd been there answering

a domestic dispute call.

You little slut!

I should have had you

fixed the day you were born.

You're going to get

rid of it, or else.

Shove it, Pop!

Don't tell me to shove it,

or I'll put my size

How could you have

done this to me?

You, you harlot!

Okay, okay, cool it, you two!

We've been getting complaints

from all over this zone.

Relax, Commander.

My husband's just trying

to bond with his daughter.

And you can keep

your trap shut!

I blame you for all of this.

Your daughter can't

help being a tramp.

It runs in your family!

All right, what's

this all about?

It seems our daughter'sgone

and got herself pregnant.

You don't know

the worst of it.

That dirty purple sh*t

Chode is responsible.

When I get my hands on him,

I'll ram a party

favor down his throat

and blow it out his anus!

When did this alleged act

of penetration take place?

A couple of months ago

at Chode's birthday party.

I don't want to hear any more!

She got drunk and did it

with him in a washroom stall.

When I think of that

disgusting pile of excrement

with my little girl.

And now she refuses to

terminate the bastard.

If you don't mind

me saying, Bernice,

you're taking

this pretty well.

That's because, unlike

my loser husband,

I've taken steps to ensure

the vile act of copulation

never takes place.

Wh...What? What do you mean?

Remember that combat android

you constructed last year?

The Arnie 1000. Sure I do.

The first time I programmed

it to fight the Gleopadians,

some grunt lobs a grenade

at it and destroys it.

News bulletin, bonehead.

It wasn't destroyed.

Seems for once in your miserable

life you exceeded yourself.

The thing's indestructible.

Well, where is it?

Right now it's two

months in the past.

I hope you didn't use a

Federation Time Displacer.

That's not allowed.

So's doing my daughter!

The b*tch refuses to

terminate Chode's spawn,

so I've programmed

it to terminate Chode

before he does her.

Bernice, that was

sneaky, underhanded,

cold-blooded, and vicious.

I knew there was some

reason I married you.

Cut the sh*t! You married

me for my Kroenigs!

Aw, shut your gob, you b*tch!

b*tch, b*tch, b*tch...

So you've also transported

back from the future.

Is that why you're naked?

You can't use the Federation

Time Displacer wearing clothes?

Not really. It's

gratuitous nudity.

Tell me about it.

You gotta help me.

You have to get Bernice

to call that thing

off, I'm begging you.

If you promise not

to screw Babette,

I'll return to the

future and tell Bernice.

I'm sure she'll deprogram it.

I promise.

Okay. Wish me luck.

Wait, I hadn't finished.

I promise to

stick it to Babette

until her eyeballs pop.

Chode, are you crazy?

That android will kill you.

But you heard the kid.

Bernice will call it off.

And if you guys think

I'm going to pass up

this opportunity to

drive Bobo up the wall,

you're the crazy one.

Besides, that Babette's

one sweet piece of ass.

Chode, what if Adam 12

can't convince Bernice

to stop that thing?

She's not exactly

Miss Congeniality.

Yeah, you might have a point.

I suppose it wouldn't

hurt to lie low

for a little while

until the party.

Right?

My name is Alice Marie.

Nothing strange has

ever happened in my life.

That is, until recently.

That was when I

went in to my bedroom

and retrieved an old revolver

that hadn't been

used in years.

Goddamn f***ing piece of sh*t!

Alice certainly had

a beautiful funeral.

Yes. Yes.

Except when that whore Deirdre

grabbed her husband's ass.

I'm really going to miss her.

She had so many

good qualities.

I'll even miss

Alice's bad qualities.

Remember she tended to

be a little paranoid.

And she was bigoted.

And a snob.

And irrational.

A funny thing

happens when you die.

Your body is gone,

but you can still see

and hear everything.

What a bunch of b*tches.

Hey, there's that

strange family

that moved in next

to Alice's place.

They've sure been

keeping to themselves.

Where do you

think they're from?

Probably Africa.

They've brought their

wildebeest with them.

This may sound weird,

but I've been without,

um, male companionship

for so long,

even that disgusting

fat, purple one

is beginning to look good.

I hear you, sister.

My dear old hubby spends

so much time working,

I'm ready to date a banana.

No wonder that broad

next door shot herself.

This place is so boring.

I agree.

The flesh-burning puss swamp

controlled by the

scab-infested anus rapers

on Planet Vomiteria

look good right now.

Only a complete idiot could

be happy living in this 'burb.

Wow! There's some really

cool video games here.

I just broke the

all-time record

for hours logged on to

Universe of War Craft.

I rest my case.

I like to be here

Here on the sidewalk

Watching you,

baby, move it so sexy

I can feel the desire

You look at me

Your eyes are on fire

Chode, what are you thinking?

I'm thinking that if

I'm ever reincarnated,

I'd like to come

back as that car.

Chode, don't even consider

fooling around

while we're here.

We don't want to draw

attention to ourselves.

Or do you want to

end up as a corpse?

Or a prison b*tch

for 30 years?

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