Tripping The Rift: The Movie Page #4

shady nightclubs,

and homicidal maniacs,

the last few days have

been the worst of my life.

Seems somebody could use

a little R and R right now.

And as luck would have

it, check that out.

Chode, are you insane?

The others could be in that

things clutches for all we know.

Please tell me

you're not thinking

of actually visiting

this den of iniquity

at a time like this.

Am I out of my mind?

Look who I'm talking to.

Hey! Where are Gus

and Uncle Chode?

Do you think the

clown got them?

Who cares?

I think our intrepid captain

left us to take the fall.

No, wait. Look!

He's still looking for him.

Chode must have escaped.

There is no God.

Can you help a fella out?

I'm flat broke and in

desperate need of a lap dance.

Well, consider this

my random act of

kindness for the day.

Not from you, Mary.

Name's Bill.

Offered the girls this

in lieu of Kroenigs,

but had no takers.

I'll sell it to

you for 20 Kroenigs.

That should be enough

to throw a little

party in my pants.

What is it?

Well, they take you

to the Champagne Room

and do the old

bump-and-grind on your crotch.

I was asking about the

medallion, you horny toad.

I'm the only surviving

member of my expedition.

We were searching for the

treasure of the Pyridians...

Treasure?

It was stolen and hidden

somewhere in the jungle

many centuries ago.

The key to the treasure

is on this planet.

It not only reveals

the treasure's location,

but also allows access to it.

So where is thiskey?

That's the problem.

No one knows.

But this medallion

will lead you to it.

What kind of treasure

are we talking about here?

The finder would be so rich,

his toilet paper would

be made out of gold.

Wouldn't that chafe?

If this thing can

make you that wealthy,

why are you sitting

here bumming a 20

for a little tail-shaking?

I said it would

lead you to the key.

I said nothing about

it protecting you

from the danger that

lurks along the way.

Head for the third

sun on the right,

due east, and pray,

and hope that your

prayers are answered.

Mine have been.

Well, I've had my fun.

I hear my pillow

calling my name.

That's not your pillow,

that's the gold talking.

Danger, shmanger!

We can do this.

Am I going to have any success

getting your mind off this treasure

and getting you

back aboard the ship?

Have you ever noticed

you're the color of gold?

I don't think

this is due east.

Now you're sounding like Six.

What the hell does

due east mean anyway?

I swear that tree wasn't

there a second ago.

One too many at

the juice bar, Gus?

I only had one.

And by the by, what

kind of juice was that?

You don't want to

know, Gussie boy.

You don't want to know.

Umph! Okay, what's going on?

I think I just rusted myself.

This way!

Six is right.

Your sense of direction sucks.

Excuse me, Butch.

Sundance is afraid of...

You guys couldn't catch

herpes in a whorehouse.

Oh, sh*t!

Now what?

I beg your pardon.

I think I felt it move.

It didn't move.

Just shut up already.

No, that.

What the hell?

Maybe it's a lie detector.

It's some sort of

crystal compass.

You sure it's not Gaydar?

That guy Bill was

a chicken sh*t.

Get past those monsters,

and it's Froot Loops time.

Follow your nose, baby.

Nothing to be afraid of.

And I suppose that's

a Howard Johnson's.

Don't judge a book

by its cover, Gus.

It could be, like, a Vegas

theme hotel or something.

I don't remember an

Apocalypto hotel on the Strip.

Who did you say

was a chicken sh...

This place reminds me of

one of those ancient ruins

you'd see in the movies,

where there'd

be an epic battle

between two

ferocious monsters.

I'm not going to keep playing

if you keep throwing

paper every time.

Then throw scissors.

Then you'll do rock.

Geez, Walter, that's

the friggin' game!

Who there? Who there?

Hey! Dude!

Please, let this be it!

Well, 3PO, you're the one

with the tranlang

four-communicator module

combined with a

double A-1 Verbobrain.

What the hell does it say?

That's just a golden

robot stereotype.

Can you read it or not?

Yes. Then read it.

Out loud.

It says "Push

Button for Treasure."

This has got to be the next

piece of the puzzle, right?

Unless it's some sort

of nuclear device.

Can you at leastpretend

the glass is half full?

Okay. Now what?

What did Bill say?

Remember to pray.

God, Lord...

What should I pray for?

Treasure!

I pray for lots

of treasure. Amen.

That's funny. I could've sworn

I've seen something

like that before.

You have. It's the same shape

as the medallion, you idiot.

I know that. I was

just testing you.

Step forward, please.

Single file, no pushing.

What the hell

is going on here?

Please don't take

your anger out on me,

I'm just a temp, hired

to provide slaves.

Slaves?

Yes. Mr. Big didn't want

to get his hands dirty

with the day-to-day.

Mr. Big? Is that just a

nickname, or is he really...

He's the brains

behind this operation.

Aren't we losing

the plot here?

What about the treasure?

Actually, we just need you

for the discovery and

recovery of the key

that opens the vault

containing the treasure.

It was lost in one of

Pyridia's mines many moons ago.

Ha ha ha. Okay, you got me.

This is really one

of those stupid-assed

Fox reality shows, isn't it?

Consider what you've

been through today

as kind of like getting

into a good college.

Oof!

Dig!

There's no way I can

implement this tool

without some kind of gloves.

Hey Charlie, this

guy wants some gloves.

Yes, thank you.

That will do nicely.

Thanks for the update, Bob.

We'll stay down here

in case that psycho

decides to beam back aboard.

If Chode gets in touch,

tell him where we are.

Yeah, get some rest, kiddo,

'cause when you wake up,

you got a lot of

'splainin' to do.

Come on you little green

a**hole, we ain't got all day.

I'm thinking.

How do you manage

that without a brain?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You better be

spelling out "cunning."

What the hell was that?

Well, looky here!

Discovery!

We have a discovery!

Yes, Mr. Big, I've got

it in my hand. What now?

reward, right, Gus?

You'll get your

reward, all right...

in heaven!

Mr. Big said to throw them

back in the mine and seal it.

What the f... Hey!

Well, that's that.

You can kiss my

shiny ass good-bye.

If that doesn't make me want to

get out of here, nothing will.

Gus! Load all that

dynamite into a hovercart.

There's no way out!

Will you hear my

confession before I die?

Jenna Jameson's? Yes.

Yours? Not on your life.

Yecch! First time, shame on

you. Second time, shame on me.

Chode, let's get out of here.

The sun was in this direction.

Get a grip, Gussie.

There's something

we have to do first.

But I thought... Chode McBlob,

will you please tell

me what's going on?

Are you telling me

that you swapped it

for the key to the

lock on your porn stash?

Relax. I got a duplicate.

Besides, there's no way

I'm going to walk away

from all that treasure.

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