Tromeo and Juliet Page #6

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Ready for the big day, son?

Right this way, my boy.

You know, since we all

had dinner together,

she's becoming

a totally changed woman.

As a matter of fact--

You'll find that

after you're married

she'll become a docile

little bovine.

Now get on.

Padre, hurry!

Holy Mary, full of grace,

give this b*tch

the speed

of the holy spirit!

Hello, Juliet.

I wanted to stop by before

we got married to tell you that,

that I know

that you don't love me now.

But I feel that in the future--

-London.

-(Screams)

But I do.

I do love you.

No, no, no!

Oh, you're looking at my face,

aren't you?

What--what happened?

It's just acne.

Acne, Juliet.

That is not acne.

Did you see,

this is why I was so hesitant?

My father only let me

see you on good days.

Ugh!

Tell me you don't care, London.

Tell me your love for me goes

beneath the hide--I mean, skin.

Oh, boy.

I have to think about this.

Wait.

I have a special little present

just for you.

Surprise.

After all, you always said

you loved the crying game.

(Juliet giggling)

(Laughing)

Bye-bye.

CAPPY:
You!

Makeup.

You might as well have slipped

your hand into my pocket

and taken out

a billion dollars, girl.

God damn you--

You go ahead, Tromeo,

I'll take care of these goons.

F*** you!

Oh, God.

I'm going to kill you.

I'm going to kill you

and f*** you at the same time.

No!

Juliet!

You leave

your daughter alone.

(Indistinct shouting)

My love.

(Cappy shouting)

I need my bow,

my bow, my bow!

-Where is my bow?

-Here you go, sir.

Where is my--

Not my coat bow, stupid,

my crossbow.

Here, Mr. Capulet.

Crossbow, good, thank you.

Here comes William tell!

Sh*t.

I'm going to wipe you off

the face of the earth

like a piece of sh*t

from God's ass.

(Screaming)

JULIET:
I hate you!

You sick bastard.

Vicious mole of nature.

(Groaning)

I can't see anything.

TROMEO:
Come on, he's done.

You miserable f***ing

monkeys in heat.

Open that door.

Open that door now!

Swing it wide.

Swing it open!

Move in, out.

Get up there in one piece.

I'm gonna be the one

that's gonna break your bones.

Old Capulet brings

civilization to animals.

Look upon your

glass coffin, kids.

Look upon my work,

ye mighty, and despair.

Ozymandias,

Percy Bysshe Shelley.

Now!

My little pumpkins.

My little joy.

I'm going to open this door

and you're going

to follow me ever so quietly.

And go in ever so quietly

and do just as I say.

Key.

Open, open, open.

No, honey, don't!

I'm not Daddy's little

crenshaw melon any longer.

Don't! Don't, sweetie!

Well, looks like you are

off the hook, kid,

thanks to your friend,

the priest here.

He got a couple of very

legitimate signed confessions

out of these two lumps.

It's not my fault.

My father's an alcoholic.

And I'm a victim too.

Anyway, according to them

you acted in self-defense

against this

boofball Tyrone.

Thank you, Father.

What about

what we did to Cap?

Open and shut, obviously just

like you said, self-defense.

Matter of fact, I got a feeling

with Cap out of the way

things are gonna be a lot

more peaceful in Manhattan.

You guys are free to go.

You know, priest,

I like your style.

You ever consider coming

to work for a guy like me?

Do you ever get the chance

to work with kids?

Juliet.

Tromeo.

Come on, let's go,

she just wants me to stay.

Tromeo!

Oh, thank the lord

you haven't left yet, son.

I've been as bad

a father as I could be.

Dad, what are you

talking about?

Your father and I, we need

to tell you some things.

What's this?

It all started

when I was married to your dad.

Now Monty as everybody knew

was the triedest

and truest

of the sentimental fools.

So Cap concocted

a scheme to exploit

this trait to betray

Mont's nature

by simply twisting fate.

First, I fooled him

into thinking that the child

was his own and like

an old mother hen

he got attached

to the bone.

He thought never again

would he ever be alone.

Second.

I broke him the news

without remorse.

Hey, Monty jerk,

I want a divorce

and if you want

to know the truth,

this baby

don't belong to you.

These days they can

prove it in a lab

Cap is, you are not

the real dad.

So, hey, Monty,

I'm taking him away

and you got no legal right

to make him stay.

No, no! Don't! No!

INGRID:
Third. Cap told him

how he could keep the kid.

Sign right here.

INGRID:
He said.

On the dotted line,

this contract which makes

Silky Films all mine.

INGRID:
And so now Monty

signed like Cappy asked.

Cap agreed we'd never take

Tromeo back and we would never

breathe a word of the fact

that I was your mom and Cap,

he was your dad.

And I never have,

that is to say until today.

So we got what we wanted.

Silky was won,

but I never forgave myself

for losing a son.

So we're--

Son, perhaps you haven't

noticed but I'm black.

I wondered about that.

But, Dad, why didn't you

tell me about my mother?

Because I don't want

that b*tch whore

to have nothing,

nothing to do with your life.

So you are my brother?

See, kids, that's why

you can't be together.

Well?

Well?

Sweet are the uses

of adversity

which like the toad,

ugly and venomous,

wears yet a precious

jewel in his head.

Let every eye negotiate

for itself and trust no agent.

What are you guys talking about?

F*** it.

We've come this far.

Oh, no!

LEMMY:
Epilogue,

six years later,

"Tromaville, New Jersey,

in the new world."

Hey, hey.

Monty.

How is my favorite

daughter-in-law?

Kids!

Grandpa's here!

KIDS:
Grandpa! Grandpa!

Grandpa!

(Child crying)

Little Murray's

causing trouble again.

Hey, what's the matter, kid?

Need someone to play with?

Daddy will play.

Hold on.

LEMMY:
So this is the dawn

of the 21st age

where love ever rules

and all is insane.

And all of our hearts free

to let all base things go.

As taught by Juliet

and her Tromeo.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

-Yeah. Oh, yeah.

-Troma!

-That is good.

-Hey, now I don't have to read the play.

Yea!

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