Tropic Thunder Page #2

It's always the yellow frog that

brings them black frog on Fridays, man.

Hell, no, I didn't pee on that girl.

No, I didn't pee on her,

listen, listen, listen, listen. No, no.

The story is this. She was in the way

when I was peeing, she walked past.

What the f*** is going on here?

On three, baby. One, two, breathe.

Look, do me a favor. I don't want to do

a countdown before I do the scene.

- No countdown?

- No countdown.

- Okay.

- Can we just do it off of "Action"?

Just... In your own time.

- Good...

- I'm not a rocket ship, okay?

- All right, dude.

- And action!

Whatever floats your boat, baby.

F***! Don't die!

Erika, get me a VitaminWater!

You know what it is, Damien? I'm sorry.

Not to get into his thing, but if

I'm crying, should Osiris be crying, too?

- No, it's everyone cry...

- We cutting or we crying?

- No, no, no, we're crying!

- Just call it, man!

- Kirk, you can cry. Tugg, you can cry.

- Thanks!

- Everybody cry...

- You know what?

- You see how agitated he is now?

- I know.

- Let's make lemonade. Let's go to work.

- Okay. Still rolling!

This is Falcon One. We have the ridge

in sight, approximately two miles out.

Dieter, these jets

are about to crest this ridge line.

They got about 200 pounds

of sh*t your pants.

I need to know if we're ready to go.

- You're my... You're my...

- I am your...

See, that's what I think it is, Damien.

I think it's the line.

Yeah?

I don't know if Four Leaf

would say that... Four Leaf?

Were you crying

when your hands blew up?

No. See, he didn't.

Yeah, I mean, just that's what...

So now we in re-writes, right?

- Where you going?

- Let's re-write it!

Action Jackson can't cry.

That's what's going down.

You know what, Kirk?

I'm ready to do the scene!

What scene? The scene is

about emotionality. Where is it?

- Now it's time to flip the script!

- Kirk...

Be here till Chinese New Year

waiting for my man to cry.

You're tangling me,

you're f***ing tangling me.

You're tangling me, God damn it!

- Kirk, no!

- Stop tailgating me, you pasty tea bag!

I'm going potty.

You want to hold my dick?

Sh*t! What are you f***ing both doing,

Good Lord!

We're getting this in a wide shot, right?

Of course we're getting it

in a f***ing wide.

What, do you think

I'm a dick or something?

Get that f***ing food...

Here they come!

- The planes are inbound!

- Sh*t! Sh*t!

Sh*t, sh*t, cocksucker, bollocks.

Tropic tits!

That's the signal! Go, go, go, go, go!

Let's go freaking Tet here!

Goddamn sh*t-picking cock!

That's my sh*t!

Mother Nature just pissed her pantsuit!

- Sweet.

- Oh, mama!

Bungle in the jungle.

More bad news from the Vietnamese set

of Tropic Thunder,

where a $4 million explosion

charred the Asian location

and the camera wasn't even rolling.

Financed by hotheaded mega-mogul

Les Grossman,

the film is already rumored to be

one month behind schedule

just five days into shooting.

The reason?

Fingers are pointed at rookie director

Damien Cockburn,

who, insiders say,

can't control a star-studded cast,

including flatulent star of the popular

Fatties franchise, Jeff Portnoy.

Let me tell you something.

A lot of people are disrespecting me.

They say that the movie's

just about farts. It's about family,

and... you! You can't do what I do.

Fresh from his most recent arrest

for heroin, glue and crack possession,

Portnoy was almost uninsurable.

Also in the mix is Booty Sweat-hocking

hip-hop hyphenate Alpa Chino.

I'm so excited, you know what I'm

saying, about doing Tropic Thunder.

Hey, drink Booty Sweat, baby.

Drink Booty Sweat.

But the real heavyweight on the set

is five-time Academy Award winner

Kirk Lazarus.

Is five-time Academy Award winner

Kirk Lazarus.

The brilliant Australian

known for his bad boy antics off-screen

is famous for his total immersion

into any role he portrays.

Well, being an actor is no different

than being a rugby player

or a construction worker,

save for the fact that my tools

are the mechanisms

that trigger human emotion.

Lazarus underwent a controversial

pigmentation alteration procedure

in order to play

the platoon's African-American

sergeant, Lincoln Osiris.

Yeah!

Trying to hold his own onscreen

with Kirk

is action juggernaut Tugg Speedman.

Once the highest grossing star

in the world,

lately his Scorcher films

have lost their heat.

Recently, Speedman opened up to Tyra.

You have no real family.

You're on the wrong side of 40.

You're childless and alone.

Somebody close to you said,

"One more flop and it's over."

Somebody said they were close to me?

It's been a tough year for Tugg.

The disappointing buddy comedy

Chitlin' & the Dude

was followed by an ill-advised venture

into serious dramatic territory.

Simple Jack,

the story of a mentally impaired

farmhand who can talk to animals,

was a box office disaster

that many critics called,

"One of the worst movies of all time."

I ain't got a good brain.

I think you've got a fine brain, Jack.

You make me happy.

But now the question is,

can Speedman make audiences happy

in what's being called

the most expensive

- war movie never made?

- Rick Peck.

Wishing Tugg all the best on that one.

Rum-Tum-Tuggernauts, it's the Pecker.

You got time for your agent?

- Rick?

- Hey, buddy,

guess who I'm staring at right now.

- What?

- I'm looking at your ugly mug

on the back cover

of Vanity Fair magazine,

holding a cute, cuddly panda

from Cutesville.

It is insane, bro. You are a rock star.

Hey, did you get the gift basket I sent?

From Rick.

Yeah. Yeah. It's cool, man. Thanks.

All right,

that is a real satellite phone, bro.

Do not re-gift.

Hey. You see

that Access Hollywood piece?

Yeah, I did.

It was like pistol-whipping a blind kid.

I mean, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,

Tugg. You are a huge star, all right?

But right now,

you're like that kid on the playground,

you know,

the one who has lice that none

of the other kids want to play with?

- What do you mean?

- I mean we gotta shave your head

and get you back

on the monkey bars, right?

What?

How did the crying scene go?

Horrible. Lazarus started crying.

Then he starts drooling and dribbling,

and it wasn't even in the script...

Stop right there!

You gotta buck up here, Tuggboat.

Who cares how much more talented

he may be than you?

If he cries, you cry harder, man.

Didn't your dog have, like, leukemia

or something

when you were a kid?

I mean, think of that.

Boom! End of story.

They hook up the TiVo yet?

Good gosh.

- What?

- The TiVo, they hook it up?

- No. The guy didn't come.

- What?

For f***'s sake, that is unacceptable.

They have digital cable, but,

I mean, it's okay.

No, no, no. Come on, man. It's not okay.

It is not okay, Tugg!

And you don't need to explain to me

why you need TiVo

or clean water, clean sheets,

food, shelter.

I mean, I fought for that in your contract.

How's the adoption thing coming,

buddy?

Not too great.

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